Category: other

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her bum?
Olive.

There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890’s whose worn-out body began to
surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to
relax her.

However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her
mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the
kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several
sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted
to leave them any words of wisdom.

“Oh, yes,” she replied. “Never sell that cow!”

I heard that O.J. lost his Hertz Rental Car endorsement contract, but he has a new endorsement offer.

Taco Bell has hired him to “Run for the Border.”

You know you’ve had too much coffee when…

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

Instant coffee takes too long

You chew on other people’s fingernails

You answer the door, before people knock

You sleep with your eyes open

You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore

You’re the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don’t even work there

You help your dog chase its tail

You lick your coffeepot clean

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

You’re so wired you pick up FM radio

You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens kept in the
hen house out in the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about
ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest
suspected that this was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So he
decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, “Has anybody got a cock?” All the men
stood up.

“No, No,” he said, “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”

All the women stood up.

“No, No,” he said, “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn’t belong to them?”

Half the women and a quarter of the men stood up.

“No, No,” he said, “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?”

All the altar boys stood up.

Did you hear the one about the Indian who slept in the hotel lobby because
he didn’t have a reservation?

Yo’ mama so old, she took her driver’s test on a T-Rex!

She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.

She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.

She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.

She’s turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.

She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.

She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.

She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

She’s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.

She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s Cube.

She’s spent more time under men than barstools.

She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

She’s had more turnovers than the International House of
Pancakes.

She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

She’s had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.

Her body has been declared a national recreation area.

Her diaphragms come with a service contract.

She has an IUD with a beeper.

She uses industrial strength douche.

Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike
contest.

Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.

Her pantyhose has a pet door.

She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook
her for the Holland Tunnel.

An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, ‘Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C’est magnifique!’ and continued to watch, remembering good times.Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, ‘Mais… Sacre bleu!! Ze woman – she is dead!’ and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, ‘Albert… Albert zere is zis man zis woman .. . naked in Farmer Gaston’s field making love.’The police chief smiled and said; ‘Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L’amour! Zis is okay.”Mais non! You do not understand – ze woman she is dead!’Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.’Pierre, Pierre… this is Albert. I was in Gaston’s field… zere is a young couple naked ‘aving sex.’To which Pierre replied, ‘Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural.’Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, ‘Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!’Hearing this Pierre shouted, ‘Mon dieu!’ grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field. Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said, ‘Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.’

This lady read in a magazine that milk baths are good for your skin. She left a note for the milkman to leave her 15 gallons of milk. The milkman thought she made a mistake. He knocked on the door and asked, “Do you really want 15 gallons of milk?” She explained that they were good for the skin and was going to take a bath in it. The milkman asks, “Do you want it pasturized?” She said, “No, just up to my neck will do!”

Durante un vuelo a Nueva York iba un se�or de aspecto muy distinguido sentado junto a una dama que luc�a muy profesional. Este hombre era de aquellos, a los que les resultaba imposible estar a la par de alguien sin entablar conversaci�n de forma que la inici� mas o menos como a continuaci�n les relato:

Hola… �viaja usted a Nueva York?

S� se�or -dijo ella- sin mostrar inter�s alguno por continuar la charla.

�Qu� interesante! -exclam� �l en tono muy grave – y sin darse por vencido prosigui� �va de vacaciones?

No se�or voy en v�as de trabajo.

�Que interesante!… �y usted a que se dedica?

Como a todos nos pasa, sinti� el agrado de poder elevar el ego, -soy Psic�loga, poseo un master en Sexualidad Humana -dijo simulando indiferencia.

�Qu� interesante! -replic� �l – supongo que en Nueva York tiene su oficina de trabajo.

No, me dirijo para all� dado que esta semana se celebra el Congreso Mundial de Sexolog�a y yo soy una de las expositoras.

�Qu� interesante! – volvi� a decir mientras su entusiasmo iba claramente en aumento – �puedo saber de que trata su c�tedra?

Desde luego – afirm� ella interesada ya en la pl�tica – voy a dictar una conferencia magistral sobre el tama�o del pene de los hombres, presentar� una evaluaci�n retrospectiva preliminar de los diferentes grupos �tnicos, he dedicado mi vida a esta investigaci�n.

�Qu� interesante! – contest� el hombre subiendo el tono y agravando la voz delatando su entusiasmo – y cu�nteme… �qu� ha podido determinar usted?

Pues le dir�, contrario a lo que usted est� pensando en este momento no son los hombres de raza negra los que tienen el pene mas largo.

�Qu� interesante!… y entonces �qui�nes son?

Son los Apaches se�or, pero no son ellos los que lo tienen mas grueso.

�Qu� interesante!… Supongo que ah� si entran los negros.

No se�or, los Jud�os, son ellos quienes lo tienen mas grueso.

En este momento el avi�n ya hab�a llegado a la manga de la terminal a�rea, lo que hac�a necesario concluir tan cient�fica tertulia, por lo que ella concluy� diciendo:

Que gran gusto fue para mi conocerlo soy la Dra. Pria Po, me gustar�a invitarle a escuchar mi conferencia �con qui�n tuve el gusto?

Doctora Po, el gusto ha sido m�o, �mi nombre es Toro Sentado Rosemberg!

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.””Well then, why don’t you? “Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”