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One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter
took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn’t happy about that: “When are you going to learn to be polite?”
Bill: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?”
Tom: “The smaller piece, of course.”
Bill: “What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want,
right?”
A Brief History of Medicine
“I have an earache….”
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial! Here, eat this root.
Un tipo que estaba a punto de morir pensaba: “Creo que en esta vida he sido muy malo y San Pedro seguramente no me dejar� entrar al cielo; ya s�, cuando vaya a presentarme donde San Pedro le llevar� un saco lleno de nances para sobornarlo y as� me dejar� entrar”.
Entonces un �ngel oy� el vil pensamiento de aquel hombre y fue y lo acus� con San Pedro.
Cuando al tipo le lleg� la hora de presentarse ante San Pedro �ste ya sab�a de su plan y le dijo: “Ahora por haber pensando en sobornarme en castigo te pondr� que te metas todos esos nances uno por uno por el culo.”
Por all� estaba el pobre hombre detr�s de una nube meti�ndose los nances, cuando ve al �ngel que lo hab�a acusado cagado de risa. Y entonces el mae le dice: “Claro pendejo, como no eres t� el que est�s en esto te cagas de risa.”
A lo que el �ngel le contesta: “Yo no me estoy riendo de t�, me r�o porque all� veo venir a otro con un saco lleno de cocos.”
What did the termite say when he walked into the bar? Where is the bar tender?
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
“Nice bike,” the cop said. “Did Santa bring it to you?”
“Yep,” the little girl said, “he sure did!”
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, “Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.”
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?”
“Yes, he sure did,” chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, “Next year tell Santa the huge dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn’t have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk.
In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, “Well, OK, I guess you can come in – just don’t start anything.”
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl
in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked
for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we
just have half of the aisles left to go through – don’t be upset. It
won’t be long.”
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout
for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother
said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and
then we’ll be checking out.”
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began
to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering
there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll
be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home
and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with
little Monica,” he began.
The mother replied, “I’m Monica – my little girl’s name is Tammy.”
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three goddamn years I’ve spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me”
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to varnish the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor’s office, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament. The man asked, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before ?””Well, yes.” The doctor replied.”But never framed.”
Cada ma�ana, un mariquita (homosexual) se presentaba en la iglesia para escuchar misa con la misma ropa chillona: Calcetines rosas, pantalones verdes, corbata amarilla chillona, chaqueta rojo fucsia, etc…
Y esto desconcentraba fuertemente al cura. Y en esto que iba a pronunciar la oraci�n pensando en la rara vestimenta del mariquita:
“Porque Jes�s, con 5000 panes y 3000 peces aliment� a 4000 personas!” dec�a convencido.
“�Toma y yo!”, gritaba el mariquita.
“�Ya me he vuelto a equivocar!”, pensaba para sus adentros el cura.
Al d�a siguiente todo se repite igual: el homosexual aparece en la iglesia con su rara ropa, se sienta en primera fila, y espera. Y el cura pronuncia las palabras:
“�Porque Jes�s, con 5000 panes y 3000 peces aliment� a 4000 personas!”
“�Toma y yo!”, saltaba el maric�n.
Y al tercer d�a, el cura antes de salir pens�: hoy no me equivoco, hoy no, hoy no…
Y dijo gritando mas que nunca:
“�Porque Jes�s, con 5 panes y 3 peces aliment� a 4000 personas! �Te jodes maric�n! �Hoy no me equivocado!”
“�Yo eso tambi�n lo hac�a!”
“�Ah s�?, �y como lo har�as?”, inquiri� el cura.
“�Joder, pues con lo que sobr� de ayer y de antes de ayer!”
If your ass was any more jiggly, Bill Cosby would have to stick a spoon in it.
Un individuo que viv�a en Inglaterra recibe un telegrama, el cual decia: “Pap� muri�, vuelve a casa”.
El pobre empe�a hasta el ultimo clavo para tomar el avi�n y regresar a M�xico a recibir su herencia.
Cuando llega se lleva la tremenda sorpresa de que su mam� hab�a heredado todo.
Pasan cinco meses y recibe otro telegrama: “Mam� test�, vuelve a casa”.
Empe�a todo y vuelve a viajar para cobrar ahora s�, su herencia.
Al llegar a reclamar la herencia, la familia le dice:
“�De qu� hablas?, el telegrama dec�a: M�mate esto, se vuelve a casar.”