Category: other

Estaba la mujer maravilla estrenando su casa e invita a todos los super h�roes.

A la una de la ma�ana todo el mundo estaba borracho, en eso sale la mujer maravilla al balc�n y se encuentra sentado en un rinc�n a Flash, y le dice:

“�Qu� haces ah� sentado si todo el mundo est� disfrutando de la fiesta?”

Entoces �l le responde diciendo:

“Cre� que eran mis amigos y todo ha sido mentira…”

“�Por qu� dices eso?”

“Porque cuando me estaba yendo al ba�o escuch� que Batman le dec�a a Robin: Oye Robin tom�monos una foto, pero sin Flash…”

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on iron deficient blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked.

• The population of this country is 237 million.
• 104 million are retired.
• That leaves 133 million to do the work.
• There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
• Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
• This leaves 19 million to do the work.
• Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
• Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
• There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
• Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you’re sitting there reading jokes on your email!!!

what do you call black people in swimmming pools?

coco pops

25. “My plan to find the real killers” by OJ Simpson
24. “To all the men I’ve loved before” by Ellen DeGeneres
23. “The Book of Virtues” by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
16. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
15. Detroit – A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
13. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
6. “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log.

The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

“Why did you do that?” asks a passing giraffe.

“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.”

“Wow, what a memory!” says the giraffe.

“Yes,” says the elephant. “Turtle recall.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Un tipo mezquino, que le ha prometido a su hija un viaje en avioneta como regalo de cumplea�os, est� negociando con el piloto:

“�Cu�nto me cobra por dar un paseo de una hora?”

“Quinientos pesos”.

“Uf, eso es mucho dinero. �Y si s�lo es media hora?”

“Por media hora, doscientos cincuenta”.

“�Chin, doscientos cincuenta! �No tiene nada m�s barato?”

“Pues mire, podemos hacer un trato: si usted se sube a la avioneta y es capaz de estar completamente callado durante todo el vuelo, no le cobro un peso”.

“Trato hecho”.

Se suben los tres al aeroplano, y el piloto comienza a hacer malabarismos: rizos, ca�das en picado, el avi�n panza arriba, panza abajo. Sin embargo, el taca�o permanec�a mudo. Por fin, el piloto se cansa y aterriza.

“�Oiga, me tiene usted asombrado. Mire que hice cosas peligrosas con la avioneta y usted no pronuncio ni una palabra!”

“Si quiere que le diga la verdad, estuve a punto de gritar cuando se cay� la nena”.

Little Johnnie sees his Daddy’s car passing the play-ground and go into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a ‘Passionate Embrace’.

Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy..”

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and…

“…then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by blueindiansquaw

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved then. but he always had a very embarassing and somewhat lively reaction to them. Then, one day, he met a girl and fell in love with her. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she is a sweet and gentle girl and will never go for this kind of carrying on. So, he made the supreme sacrafice and gave up the beans.

The were married thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country, he called her and told her that he would be late getting home because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any effects before reaching home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he had eaten three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, he put-putted and after arriving, felt reasonably sure that he had putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed: Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight. She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow that he would not touch the blindfold until she returned. Then she went to answer the phone.

Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him. Things had just about returned to normal, when he felt the urge come on again, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again.

This was a true prize winner. While keeping his ear on the phone, he went on like this for 10 minutes, until he knew the phone farewell indicated the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling contently to himself was the perfect picture on innocence.

When his wife returned she asked if he had peeked and he said no. At that point, she removed the blindfold and revealed his surprise.

Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a birthday party for him.

A man on his deathbed called for his worthless lawyer and his doctor to stand on each side of his bed. When they arrived, he simply closed his eyes and waited.

The doctor, impatient, asked what he had in mind.

Well, Jesus died between two thieves. I thought I would do the same.

Yo mama’s house is so dusty the roaches ride around in dune buggies.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a
problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but
I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you.”

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an
enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All
in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and
more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a
ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in
the sack.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But,
you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

How many average canadians does it take to change a light bulb? 7

One to stand on a table to push the light bulb up,
Four to spin the table clockwise,
One to run counterclockwise to make sure the table movers don’t
get dizzy,
And one to keep the window open for some curent