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A Russian scientist an American scientist and a Polsish
scientist were eating lunch together, the russian scientist said
we are going to land on the moon, the American scientist says we
are going to send droids to mars, and the Polish scientist said
we are going to land on the Sun. The two other scientists say
thats impossible!! how are you gonna do that?
The polish scientist says” we got that figured out, were goin at
night”
A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the man complained to the doctor that they didn’t produce the desired results.
“Have you been taking them regularly?” the doctor asked.
“What do you think I’ve been doing,” the man said, “Shoving them up my ass?”
It seems that historical religious leaders (between moments of dispensing wisdom) had also learned software programming.
One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.
After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day’s event: Jesus and Mohammed.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out.
After a moment it came back on – just in time for the clock to indicate that the last competition was over.
The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he’d lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen.
After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.
When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:
Jesus saves.
Don’t hate yourself in the morning – sleep till noon.
A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial airliner. The airliner had 4
engines, which is quite normal. About an hour into the flight, a loud BOOM
occurred.
The flight attendant came over the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen,
we have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. We still have three
engines, I repeat, we still have three engines.”
Everyone stayed calm.
About another hour later, another boom.
The flight attendant comes over the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, we have
blown another engine, but there is no need to worry! We still have two more
engines to go!”
The people stayed calm.
An hour later, the same situation. Now only one engine remained.
Then, the Polish man stood up and said out loud, “Man! If this keeps up, we
could be up here all day!”
Esto si es ser un amigo:
Cuando est�s triste… Nos iremos de parranda y te ayudar� a planear la venganza contra el cabr�n(a) que te puso as�.
Cuando sonr�as… Sabr� que por fin te acostaste con alguien.
Cuando est�s asustado… Te dir� con todo mi coraz�n: �No mames, cabr�n, eso se quita con una pomada!
Cuando est�s preocupado… Te dir� mir�ndote a los ojos: �Ni pedo, compa, todo por andar de caliente!
Cuando est�s confundido… Platicaremos y te har� ver que te debes quedar con la m�s buena.
Cuando est�s enfermo… No te acerques a m� hasta que est�s mejor. �No quiero que me contagies!
Cuando caigas… Me reir� de ti y de lo idiota que eres.
Este es mi juramento… y lo seguir� hasta el final. Tal vez te preguntar�s �por qu�?
�PORQUE SOY TU AMIGO!
Intenta mandarlo a diez de tus m�s cercanos amigos y depr�mete porque s�lo tienes dos, y uno de ellos no te habla en estos momentos porque est� encabronado contigo.
This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings. They’re still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 . When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. “We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.”
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
“Kill All That You Can Kill”
“Shower With Men”
“Knock Up Foreign Broads”
“All The Grits You Can Eat”
“Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler”
“Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters”
“Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H”
“Cubicles Are For Wusses”
“Napalm Means Serious BBQ”
“Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!”
“Totally Beefcake and Proud of It”
“Beat Up Sailors”
“We Won””t Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will”
“Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942”
“Don”t Ask, Don”t Tell, Don”t Accessorize”
�Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!”
“Play Doom� For Real!”
“Sure Beats Lurnin””!”
“Because Terminators Are Real”
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The father replied, “Sure, do that before I kill them!”
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, “We are in BIG trouble!”
The older boy asked, “What do you mean, BIG trouble?”
His brother replied, “God is missing and they think we did it.”
Dos compadres quieren llegar hasta el �ltimo piso de un edificio. Adentro del elevador los compadres miran a un negrote grandote todo sudado que se encargaba de operar el elevador.Lo peor del caso es que los compadres eran unos mexicanos bajados de la sierra a tamborazos y chanclazos (con suela marca “Firestone”) que se soprendieron al ver a la gente entrar y salir del elevador.
Uno de los compadres, asustado, le dice al otro: “Mira g�ey, entran 2 personas y salen 4, no manchis mejor me voy por las escaleras”.
El otro compadre le dice: “No te asustes, compa, no creo que nada malo pase”.
As� que los compadres se llenaron de valor y entraron al elevador. Cuando los compadres estaban dentro del elevador, lo primero que el negro les pregunta es: “�A cual piso?”
Uno de los compadres mira la puerta cerrarse y le dice al otro: “Ya ves g�ey te dije, ni que fueramos gallinas.”
Y ese mismo compadre le contesta al negro:
“�A mi compadre primero!”
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.”This will look nice on my mantelpiece,” he decides, and takes it home with him.While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.”I wish for an ice cold diet pepsi right now!” He gets his pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.”I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.” Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”POOF!He’s back in his government office.
What does an Armenian firing squad look like?
10 guys in a circle.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo