Category: other

You’ve a face like a million dollars
all green and wrinkled.

A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, “I’ll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away.”

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened….not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, “Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?”

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn’t possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking minister’s wife answered, “Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I’m sure you’ll be glad to greet her.”

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICEMy daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Why does a doberman lick his balls?

To get the taste of [ethnic] out of his mouth.

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered.

“They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘LeRoy,’ and they all come running in.”

“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘LeRoy, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.

“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”

There were two old people that are married and have been for fifty years. One day they went to a doctor because they recently had been forgeting things and they were afraid that they would leave the stove on. The doctor said, �There is no way medically, but you could always write notes to help you remember things.� That night, as the wife was getting up, her husband asked what she was doing. She replied, �I was just going to make some ice cream.� The husband insisted that he would make it. As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, �WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!� �Okay dear,� he replied. �And sprinkles too!� �Okay dear.� From the kitchen came sounds of banging pots and pans and nearly twenty minutes later he came back into the room with bacon and eggs. The wife said �Where’s the toast?�

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem.”Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.”I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!””A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.”Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.” “Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.

When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said,”Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!”

What are the three greatest lies?

1. The check is in the mail.

2. Small is beautiful.

3. I won’t come in your mouth.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, “Hi there…what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?” The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that’s why he was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. “What are you doing?” asked the rancher again. As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that’s why he had the bread. Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, “Hey, why are you dragging that car door?” “Well,” he said, “I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I’ll roll down the window.”

Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand gernade from the plane, then jump.

The Jew goes first – “This is for my country” and he throws the gernade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks “what’s the matter”? The boys says “my dog just blew up!”

The American tosses the gernade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him, “my cat just blew up!”

The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. “What so funny, asks the Pollock?”

The Redneck replies – “I just farted and my house blew up!”