Category: other

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the
gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you,
what would you like to hear them say about you?� asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor
of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and
school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…. LOOK!!! HE’S
MOVING!!!!”

Una vez un tipo extremadamente racista estaba en un bus bastante ocupado. El asiento a su lado estaba libre. Al llegar a la siguiente parada el hombre ve a una negra de 220 kilos con pelos debajo de los brazos, dos metros de estatura, llena de sudor. El hombre sin pensarlo dos veces pone un peri�dico en el asiento de al lado.

La negra se sube y el hombre le dice que el asiento est� ocupado pero �sta le arrebata el peri�dico se lo lanza y toma asiento.

El hombre, lleno de rabia, se tapa la cara con el peri�dico y empieza a refunfu�ar: “�NEGRA, SUCIA, HEDIONDA, PELUDA, SUDADA, COCHINA…!”

La mujer le toca un hombro interrumpi�ndolo y le dice: “Si lo que est�s haciendo es un crucigrama sin duda alguna la respuesta es CUCA.”

TEST:
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DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you’ll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.
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1) pick a number from 1-9
2) subtract 5
3) multiply by 3
4) square the number (multiply by the same number — not square root) and if it’s negative make it positive.
5) add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6 4= 10= 1 0=1)
6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7) multiply by 2
8) subtract 6
9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc…
10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
11) take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter
12) think of the color of that mammal

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DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE

Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you’ll be sorry…
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You have a grey elephant from Denmark!

Un hombre y una mujer que no se conoc�an, coinciden en el mismo compartimiento de coche cama de un tren. A pesar de la obvia incomodidad que provoca la situaci�n, y de las protestas de la mujer ante el guardia del tren, quien le explica que el convoy va lleno y no dispone de otro camarote, ambos finalmente ocupan el camarote y sus respectivas literas, el hombre en la superior y ella en la inferior. A media noche el hombre despierta a la mujer y le dice:

“Lamento molestarla pero tengo un fr�o tremendo, �podr�a alcanzarme una de las mantas que est�n apiladas junto a la puerta?”

La mujer se asoma entre las cortinas de la litera y gui��ndole el ojo a su compa�ero de camarote le dice:

“Tengo una idea mejor, s�lo por esta noche supongamos que estamos casados… �te gustar�a?”

El hombre, sin poder creer lo que oy�, exclama:

“�Pero claro, mi vida, claro!”

Y la mujer responde:

“�Pues entonces… b�jate y agarrala tu, pinche huev�n!”

Unable to attend his father’s funeral, a distant son called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.”

Later, he got a bill for $200, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

“Well,” said the other brother, “You said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A man was happily walking down the street when he noticed a huge black gorrilla running after him. He was understandably terrified so immediately started running for his life. He ran over hills through rivers down hills across valleys but everytime he looked behind him he saw the huge gorrilla until it got to a point after several hours of running he could no longer go on. He said to himself. I cannot go on any more I am just going to have to let the gorrilla catch me and tired and terrified he stopped running and accepted his fate.The gorrilla got closer and closer until it caught up with the man and said tic.

A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, “I’ll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away.”

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened….not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, “Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?”

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn’t possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking minister’s wife answered, “Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I’m sure you’ll be glad to greet her.”

You’ve a face like a million dollars
all green and wrinkled.

Two midgets split a lottery ticket and end up winning the jackpot.

To celebrate, they get two hookers and adjoining motel rooms.

That night, the first midget sits on the bed, staring at the girl, but he has no idea of what to say or do.

The situation gets worse by the sounds he hears coming from next door: “Unh! Oh! Unh! Oh!

The next morning, the first midget walks dejectedly to breakfast. “Last night was terrible,” he admits to his friend. “I didn’t know what to say to the hooker.”

“You think that’s bad.” the second one says, “I couldn’t even get up on the bed!”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by calamjo

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn’t measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, “we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long”.

Hab�a una vez en un concurso de quien miraba mas lejos, participaban un mexicano, un gringo y el t�o chema por Guatemala.

Empez� por el mexicano quien dijo: “De aqu� a Italia hay un se�or fumando…” y fueron a ver y era cierto.

Le toc� al gringo y dijo: “Mi ver de aqu� a la China, que un chino estar cay�ndose de su bicicleta… “y fueron a ver y era cierto.

Le toc� al t�o Chema y se qued� escudri�ando el horizonte: una hora, dos horas, tres horas, al final un juez le pregunt�:

“T�o Chema �qu� est� viendo?”

Y el t�o Chema contest�:

“Me estoy contando los pelos que tengo en el culo…”

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping!”