Category: other

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is
not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than
a little peeved that his status in the party isn’t enough to get him a good room
anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth
bunk in a 4-bed dorm – he’ll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but
eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets
a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his
room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they
are having a fairly wild party and they’re very drunk. They also ignore him
totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he
realizes he can’t stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He
stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a
microphone he says: “Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room
immediately!”

The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as
the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In
about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our
Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly. The next
morning, however, as he’s checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk
calls after him: “By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he
appreciated your little joke last night!”

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.

�As a doctor, you�ll need to develop two key skills,� the professor begins. �The first is stoicism. You can�t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.�

The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse�s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.

�Now do the same,� he instructs.

The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver�s anus and then sucking on it.

When everyone has finished, the professor continues, �The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger.”

“Pay attention!�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

“My God! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.”I got in a tiff with Riley.””Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said, surprised. “He must have had something in his hand.””Aye, that he did,” Kelly said. “A shovel it was.””Dear Lord! Didn’t you have anything in YOUR hand?””Aye, that I did – Mrs. Riley.” Kelly said. “She gave me her purse, but it wasn’t much use in a fight!”

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year.

After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can’t decide who to lay off.

Finally, one manager decides that they lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water.

One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.

Manager: “Jane, I need to talk to you. I’ve got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off…”

Jane: “Well, Jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse
could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.

First we state that girls require time and money, so
Girls = Time x Money

As we also know that “Time is Money”
Time = Money

Therefore
Girls = Money x Money = Money^2 (“^” indicates an exponent)

And since “Money is the root of all evil,”
Money = *Evil* (* = a sqaure root)

Therefore
Girls = (*Evil*)^2

And we are forced to conclude that
Girls = Evil

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.”Listen,” said the CEO, “this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.”Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

You’re so old that you fart dust.

jokes

You know your ugly when . . .
Your dog humps your leg with its eyes closed.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?. Same time next month?.

Q: Why wasn’t JESUS born in Puerto Rico ?????????
A: Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, ”Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. ”Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, ”and make several low-level passes.” ”Why?” asked the nervous pilot. ”Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. ”I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.” The pilot replied, ”You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”