Category: other

How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None — they don’t want to be enlightened!

A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married.

Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel tile wedding, it’d be fine by him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they’d been honest with each other.

They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy’s naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor.

After she came to, the guy asked,
‘I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?’

The girl said,
‘You told me it was just like a baby.’

The guy replied,
‘Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.’

How many Osamas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They don’t have light bulbs in caves.

Perfil psicol�gico de los h�roes televisivos:

Batman: Un tipo millonario que vive con un joven que no es de su familia. Viste de mo�o durante el d�a. Su pasatiempo es salir a pelear, por las noches, ataviado con ropa ce�ida al cuerpo y medias de mujer. Cada vez que se le acerca una mujer, sale despavorido con la excusa de mantener en secreto su otra identidad.

Perfil psicol�gico: Maric�n, con personalidad m�ltiple y tendencias sadomasoquistas.

Superman: Otro que se viste con medias; adem�s, vuela y se cambia de ropa en casetas de tel�fonos p�blicos en plena luz del d�a. Tambi�n manifiesta reacciones ante qu�micos verdes (kriptonita verde) y la neutraliza con otro qu�mico rojo (kriptonita roja). Le huye a una bella mujer que lo persigue.

Perfil psicol�gico: Homosexual, exhibicionista y f�rmaco dependiente.

El incre�ble Hulk: Doctor en qu�mica y en medicina y sabe Dios en que m�s, que cuando se enoja se vuelve incontrolable y lo rompe todo. Adem�s, las sustancias que ha consumido lo ponen verde. Tambi�n fomenta el consumismo de prendas de vestir, ya que cada vez que se transforma hace pedazos la ropa que lleva puesta.

Perfil psicol�gico: Doble personalidad, drogadicto, psic�pata agresivo y esquizofr�nico.

Pedro Picapiedra: Personaje que no puede llegar a casa sin gritarle a su mujer; con un apetito que le permite comer cosas que pesan m�s que su familia entera. Constantemente abusa de su ‘mejor amigo’ solamente porque aquel es enano. Perdedor por naturaleza y con un jefe que abusa de �l como si no existieran leyes laborales.

Perfil psicol�gico: Perfecto fracasado, egoc�ntrico; con un alto nivel de inseguridad y potencial golpeador.

Popeye: Un marinero con un solo ojo que se la pasa peleando por el amor de una mujer que, adem�s de que es flaca y fea, le pone los cuernos con su archienemigo Brutus y, adem�s, cada vez que est� en problemas recurre al uso de una yerba milagrosa que muchas veces la consume a trav�s de su siempre presente pipa.

Perfil psicol�gico: T�pico cornudo, drogadicto y man�aco-depresivo

Shaggy (amigo de Scooby Doo): Un tipo cobarde y amanerado, que se pasa todo el d�a comiendo y con golosinas, y no engorda ni un gramo; adem�s, su perro le habla.

Perfil psicol�gico: Maric�n, bul�mico, anor�xico (o ambos) y delirante.

Bugs Bunny: Conejo bastante inteligente que, para salir de problemas, no tan s�lo recurre a la violencia, sino que tambi�n se viste de mujer y puede llegar a besar a otros hombres. Le gusta jugar con su zanahoria, lo que puede interpretarse como un s�mbolo f�lico, dado que sus besuqueos con seres del mismo sexo lo muestran como un homosexual que asumi� su rol.

Perfil psicol�gico: Bisexual, travest� y psic�pata abusivo.

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology”.

The town’s fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
“Hysteria and Posteriors”.

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
“Schizoids and Hemorrhoids”.

No go, so they tried:
“Catatonics and High Colonics”.

Thumbs down again, so they tried:
“Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive.”:

Still not good, so they tried:
“Minds and Behinds”.

Still no go. Nor did:
“Analysis and Anal Cysts”,
“Nuts and Butts”,
“Freaks and Cheeks” or
“Loons and Moons” work either, so they finally settled on:

“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”

Se encontraba un matrimonio viendo noticias en la tv cuando escucharon un zumbido extra�o. El marido se asoma y ve descender un ovni. Asombrado, le dice a su pareja, “Mira flaca, un ovni.” Del aparato bajan una pareja de extraterrestres de 1.40 m, y el matrimonio los invita a pasar a su casa. Despu�s de varios tragos y mucha charla deciden experimentar un cambio de parejas, total que nadie lo iba a saber…

Al d�a siguiente se van los e.t. y la pareja los despide, ella feliz y �l ojeroso. Ya que se han ido, el marido le pregunta a su mujer c�mo le fue y ella feliz le dice: “Mira, se quit� la ropa y veo una pichita chiquita, m�s que la tuya, pero empieza a jalarse la oreja hacia un lado y empieza a hacerse anchota, se la jala para abajo y se empieza a hacer larga larga y vieras qu� rico y eterno se me hizo.

El hombre, todo consternado, le dice: “Con raz�n la marciana se dedic� a jalarme las orejas toda la noche.”

Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God…

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send
you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting
a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly
Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let
you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will
help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?” Bill asked.

“I’ll leave that up to you,” God replied.

“Okay then,” said Bill, “let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters
and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and
frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very
pleased. “This is great,” he told God. “If this is
hell, I really want to see Heaven.”

“Fine,” said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds,
with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as
enticing as ell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God.

“Fine,” replied God, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he
was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall,
screaming amongst hot flames in dark carves, being burned and tortured by
demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma, no matter how loud he
screamed.

“How’s everything going?” He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented
disappointment. “This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two
weeks ago. I can’t believe this is happening. What happened to that other place,
with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”

“Oh,” God said, “that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95.”

This black dude gets home and he’s strutting around the house all big and bad.

His wife says, “Whachu strutting around fer like you is someone?”

The black dude says, “The doctor say I is impotent, and if you is impotent, you gots to act impotent!”

Qu� sexo es m�s f�cil de complacer…

�C�MO HACER FELIZ A UNA MUJER?

Hacer feliz a una mujer es f�cil, s�lo se necesita ser:

Amigo
Compa�ero
Hermano
Maestro
Educador
Cocinero
Mec�nico
Plomero
Decorador de interiores
Estilista
Electricista
Sex�logo
Gineco – obstetra
Psiquiatra
Terapeuta
Audaz
Simp�tico
Atl�tico
Cari�oso
Atento
Caballeroso
Inteligente
Imaginativo
Creativo
Dulce
Fuerte
Comprensivo
Tolerante
Prudente
Ambicioso
Capaz
Valiente
Decidido
Confiable
Respetuoso
Apasionado
Y sobre todo… �Muy solvente!

De la misma forma, hay que poner atenci�n en:

No ser celoso, pero tampoco desinteresado.
Llevarse bien con su familia, pero no dedicarles m�s tiempo que a ella.
Darle su espacio, pero mostrarse preocupado por d�nde estuvo.

Y muy importante es:

No olvidar las fechas de cumplea�os, aniversario de novios, de boda, graduaci�n, santo, menstruaci�n, fecha del primer beso, cumplea�os de la t�a y del hermano o hermana m�s querida, cumplea�os de los abuelos, de la mejor amiga.

Desgraciadamente, el cumplir al pie de la letra estas instrucciones no garantiza al 100% la felicidad de ella, porque podr�a sentirse inmersa en una vida de sofocante perfecci�n y fugarse con el primer desgraciado vividor que encuentre.

Dios dijo: �Amadlas! PERO NUNCA DIJO QUE HAB�A QUE ENTENDERLAS.

�C�MO HACER FELIZ A UN HOMBRE?

Hacer feliz a un hombre es f�cil, s�lo se necesita:

Sexo
Comida

�Somos o no somos una ganga?

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?”

The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m
not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL
SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft
Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the
McJobs I’ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the
lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them
badly.

I’M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You’re probably looking for
someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I’m never at my desk.

I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I’m outta
there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I’m a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don’t throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I’m gonna hold my breath
waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me
luck in my future career.

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.

There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

“Where ya been?” he slurred.

“I don’t know,” gushed the other guy, “but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing