Category: other

My daughter called me at work to say I received a call from “Josh” at the bank
regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh’s
last name was and I explained that he hadn’t left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn’t know.

“There are 1500 employees in this building, ma’am,” she told me rather
sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

“Danielle,” she said.

“And your last name?” I asked.

“Sorry,” she replied, “we’re not allowed to give last names.”

what do you call a bus full of black people?

a rotten banana

Aburrido, como choque de tortugas.

Bueno, como Lassie medicado.

Enredado, como pelea de pulpos.

F�cil, como la tabla del uno.

Falso, como billete de 3 d�lares.

In�til, como limpiaparabrisas de submarino.

Ocupado, como plomero del Titanic.

Peligroso, como cirujano con hipo.

Resbaloso, como tel�fono de carnicero.

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.”She’s incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.”, said one doctor.”Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!”The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!”Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, “Oh my gosh!” said the first doctor, “I just realised I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

El borracho llega casi arrastr�ndose al edificio de apartamentos, pulsa uno de los botones del intercomunicador de la entrada y le contesta una se�ora:
“�Qu� desea?”
“Se�ora, �Ud. es casada?”
“S�.”
“�Y su esposo est� ah�?”
“S�.”
“Pues exc�seme.”
Presiona otro bot�n, y le contesta otra se�ora:
“Se�ora, �Ud. es casada?”
“S�.”
“�Y su esposo est� ah�?”
“S�.”
“Pues exc�seme.”
Pulsa otro bot�n, y le responde otra mujer:
“�Qu� desea?”
“Se�ora, �Ud. es casada?”
“S�”
“�Y su esposo est� ah�?”
“No.”
“�PUES BAJE, A VER SI SOY YO!”

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn’t quite remember the address to the house. ”I’m sure this is the one,” said the driver. ”Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.” Replied one of the others, ”I’ll go knock on the door, and check. If it’s the wrong house, at least I’ll get to a toilet!” So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He rings it again…..Still no answer. So, he thinks, ”This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.” So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he’d just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can’t find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger’s house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ”Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don’t believe me!” ”So YOU’RE the guy!” The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ”HONEY!?!…HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!”’

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to a private Catholic school to rectify the situation.

Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy’s grades were straight A’s, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school.

“Oh, it’s all right, I guess,” he replies.

“They must be teaching you some new tricks!”

“Not really.”

“Then what do you think is making the difference in your math grades?”

“Well”, he says, “as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!”

One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush.

“What are they doing, Dad?” asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them.

“They, um, they’re making a puppy” said the boy’s father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly. A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom.

As he walked by his parents’ room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way. His father looked up and saw his son – instantly, both mother and father froze. As the boy’s mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom.

“What were you doing to Mom, Dad?” asked the little boy, who still wasn’t sure what he saw. “Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby – you know, maybe a brother or sister for you” said the boy’s father, now confident that this would satisfy his son’s curiosity.

“Oh” said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. “Y’know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please – I’d rather have a puppy”.

En una encuesta reciente a los avispados encuestadores se les ocurri� plantear, entre otras, la siguiente pregunta:

�QU� ES MEJOR, EL CHOCOLATE O EL SEXO?

Pues la respuesta fue, para sorpresa de todos, abrumadoramente favorable hacia la ingesta de chocolate. Para tratar de entender lo que ocurr�a, se realiz� una nueva encuesta, donde se solicit� enumerar las razones de tal preferencia. Las principales respuestas fueron las siguientes:

1. El chocolate es mejor porque si no est� duro, satisface de la misma forma.

2. Uno puede comer chocolate en el coche sin ser interrumpido por los polic�as.

3. Usted puede comer chocolate delante de su mam�.

4. Si usted muerde con fuerza, el chocolate no grita ni reclama.

5. Dos personas del mismo sexo pueden comer chocolate juntas, sin ser insultadas.

6. El chocolate no reclama si usted se lo comi� muy r�pido.

7. El chocolate no deja pelos en la boca.

8. Usted no necesita mentirle al chocolate.

9. Al chocolate no le importa si usted es virgen o no lo es.

10. Uno puede comer chocolate cualquier d�a de la semana.

11. Uno nunca es muy joven o muy viejo para comer chocolate.

12. Cuando usted come chocolate los vecinos no escuchan.

13. El tama�o del chocolate no importa, lo que importa es el placer que proporciona.

14. El chocolate siempre tiene buen olor.

15. No duele comer chocolate por la primera vez.

16. El chocolate no transmite el SIDA.

17. No es necesario usar cond�n para comer chocolate.

18. Nadie termina un matrimonio por falta de chocolate.

19. No es necesario esperar casi una hora para comerse otro chocolate.

20. Despu�s de comer nadie necesita quedarse abrazado del envoltorio.

YOU MOMMAS SO FAT SHE JUMPED IN THE OCEAN ,THE OCEAN JUMPED OUT AND SAID WAIT YOUR TERN

Est� Fidel Castro ba��ndose en la playa y de pronto comienza a ahogarse. Tres ni�os que lo ven, van inmediatamente a darle ayuda y lo salvan de una muerte segura. Fidel, agradecido, les dice a los ninos que pidan lo que deseen. Marinita pide una mu�eca que camine y hable. Raulito pide una bicicleta con cambios de velocidad autom�ticos, pero al preguntarle a Pepito que desea �ste le dice:

“Gracias Fidel, yo no quiero nada.”

Como es de esperar, Fidel insiste en que no lo deja ir si no pide algo entonces pepito se decide y pide un ataud. Fidel, muy extranado, le pregunta para que quiere un ataud y Pepito le responde:

“Es que cuando mi pap� se entere que le salve la vida me va a matar.”

A brit, an irishman, and a scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. they each
find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. the brit says, �bartender, can i
have a spoon?” and quietly removes the fly from his brew. the irishman says,
�get out of there!” and flicks the fly away with a finger. the scot picks up the
fly with his fingers and says, �alright ya wee f*****. spit it out! now!”