Legal Laughs

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through
a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and
a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant
three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the
love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Un agricultor le dice un

Un agricultor le dice un d�a a un amigo: “Tengo un �rbol frutal que tiene el sabor de cuatro frutas diferentes”.

“Eso no puede ser cierto, es completamente imposible”.

As�, que se van a la finca a probar el fruto. Una vez all�, el amigo muerde de un fruto y exclama:

“Esto s�lo sabe a melocot�n”.

“Dale la vuelta, dale la vuelta”, insiste el cultivador.

Le da la vuelta y el amigo responde asombrado: “�Caramba, pero si es magnifico, tambi�n sabe a pi�a!”

“Dale la vuelta, dale la vuelta”, vuelve a insistir el plantador.

“�Esto es impresionante, ahora tiene el sabor del mel�n!”

“Pues dale otra vuelta y ver�s.”

Le da otra vuelta y el amigo queda estupefacto: “�Pero si esto es una bomba, sabe a mandarina, tienes que patentar este frutal!”

Al cabo de unos meses, se encuentran otra vez y el agricultor le dice al amigo: “Ahora tengo una fruta que da el sabor de las mujeres”.

“�Eso si que es imposible, no puede existir esa fruta!”

De modo que van a la finca y el amigo desprende una del �rbol.

“�Aaahhjj, pero si esto sabe a mierda!”

“�Pues dale la vuelta, dale la vuelta!”

Absolution

While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.The Pope asked, “What is your sin?””I hired people to break into the Watergate hotel.”The Pope replied, “Kneel down. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.” Next in line was Bill Clinton. “What was your sin, son?””I cheated on my wife.” The Philanderer in Chief replied. “Kneel down, my son. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.” A third person came up and the Pope asked, “What is your name?” “Monica Lewinsky.” The Pope stroked his chin. “Hmmmm….. Perhaps you should remain standing.”

Rejected Hallmark Cards

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder:…
— What was I thinking?”

“Congratulations on your wedding day!…
— Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“How could two people as beautiful you….
— have such an ugly baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love…
— After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life…
— I never believed in Hell until I met you.”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
— that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me…
— Like the need for therapy.”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!…
— I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Before you go,…
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
— You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married…
— but not to you.”

“You look great for your age…
— Almost Lifelike!”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me…
— Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend…
— So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time…
— What do you say we call it quits?”

“I’m so miserable without you…
— It’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
— Did you ever find out who the father was?”

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket…
— I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

De acuerdo con los �ltimos

De acuerdo con los �ltimos estudios realizados en la Universidad de Oxford por el doctor Alfred Ohmygod Fuckyourself, se demuestra que la dieta m�s efectiva para el ser humano, y m�s placentera, es la que a continuaci�n se detalla. (A lo largo de varios a�os y dilatadas y diversas experiencias el lector podr� comprobar la veracidad de los datos estad�sticos.)

El sexo es la manera m�s pr�ctica y divertida de perder peso. Vea cu�ntas calor�as se pierden en cada actividad.

QUITANDO LA ROPA

Con el consentimiento de ella: 12 calor�as.
Sin el consentimiento de ella: 187 calor�as.

ABRIENDO EL SOST�N

Con las dos manos: 8 calor�as.
Con una mano: 12 calor�as.
Con la boca: 85 calor�as.

COLOCANDO EL PRESERVATIVO

Con erecci�n: 6 calor�as.
Sin erecci�n: 315 calor�as.

PRELIMINARES

Intentando encontrar el cl�toris: 8 calor�as.
Intentando encontrar el punto G: 92 calor�as.

POSICIONES

Misionero: 12 calor�as.
69 tumbado: 78 calor�as.
69 de pie: 112 calor�as (Con ella de pie).
Carretilla: 216 calor�as.
De perrito: 326 calor�as.
Candelabro italiano: 912 calor�as.

TENIENDO UN ORGASMO

Real: 112 calor�as.
Falso: 315 calor�as.

POST ORGASMO

Quedarse en la cama abrazado: 18 calor�as.
Salir de la cama enseguida: 36 calor�as.
Explicar por qu� sali� de la cama enseguida: 116 calor�as.

CONSIGUIENDO LA SEGUNDA ERECCI�N

Si tiene entre:

20 y 29 a�os: 36 calor�as.
30 y 39 a�os: 80 calor�as.
40 y 49 a�os: 124 calor�as.
50 y 59 a�os: 972 calor�as.
60 y 70 a�os: 2916 calor�as.
M�s de 70 a�os: No hay datos (los voluntarios murieron tratando de hacerlo).
M�s de 10 a�os de casado: 4635 calor�as.

COLOCANDO LA ROPA

Con calma: 32 calor�as.
Con prisa por salir: 98 calor�as.
Con el pap� de ella golpeando la puerta: 1218 calor�as.
Con tu mujer golpeando la puerta: 3521 calor�as.
Con el marido de ella tocando la puerta: 4695 calor�as.

Restroom Trip Policy

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: EMPLOYEE RELATIONS DEPARTMENT
SUBJECT: RESTROOM TRIP POLICY (RTP)

An internal audit of employee restroom time (ERT) has found that this company
significantly exceeds the national ERT standard recommended by the President’s
Commission on Productivity and Waste. At the same time, some employees
complained about being unfairly singled out for ERT monitoring. Technical
Division (TD) has developed an accounting and control system that will solve
both problems.

Effective 1 April 1987, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) is established.

A Restroom Trip Bank (RTB) will be created for each employee. On the first day
of each month employees will receive a Restroom Trip Credit (RTC) of 40. The
previous policy of unlimited trips is abolished.

Restroom access will be controlled by a computer-linked voice-print
recognition system. Within the next two weeks, each employee must provide two
voice prints (one normal, one under stress) to Personnel. To facilitate
familiarity with the system, voice-print recognition stations will be
operational but not restrictive during the month of April.

Should an employee’s RTB balance reach zero, restroom doors will not unlock
for his/her voice until the first working day of the following month.

Restroom stalls have been equipped with timed tissue-roll retraction and
automatic flushing and door-opening capability. To help employees maximize their
time, a simulated voice will announce elapsed ERT up to 3 minutes. A 30-second
warning buzzer will then sound. At the end of the 30 seconds the roll of tissue
will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. Employees may
choose whether they wish to hear a male or a female “voice”. A bilingual
capability is being developed, but is not yet on-line.

To prevent unauthorized access (e.g., sneaking in behind someone with an RTB
surplus, or use of a tape-recorded voice), video cameras in the corridor will
record those seeking access to the restroom. However, consistent with the
company’s policy of respecting the privacy of its employees, cameras will not be
operative within the restroom itself.

An additional advantage of the system is its capability for automatic urine
analysis (AUA). This permits drug-testing without the demeaning presence of an
observer and without risk of human error in switching samples. The restrooms and
associated plumbing are the property of the company. Legal Services has advised
that there are no privacy rights over voluntarily discarded garbage and other
like materials.

In keeping with our concern for employee privacy, participation in AUA is
strictly voluntary. But employees who choose to participate will be eligible for
attractive prizes in recognition of their support for the company’s policy of a
drug-free workplace.

Management recognizes that from time to time employees may have a legitimate
need to use the restroom. But employees must also recognize that their jobs
depend on this company’s staying competitive in a global economy. These
conflicting interests should be weighed, but certainly not balanced. The company
remains strongly committed to finding technical solutions to management
problems. We continue to believe that machines are fairer and more reliable than
managers. We also believe that our trusted employees will do the right thing
when given no other choice.

A church had a man in the choir who couldn’t…

A church had a man in the choir who couldn’t sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir.The choir director became desperate and went to the priest. “You’ve got to get that man out of the choir,” he said. “If you don’t, I’m going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something.”So the priest went to the man and suggested, “Perhaps you should leave the choir.””Why should I get out of the choir?” he asked.”Well, five or six people have told me you can’t sing.”That’s nothing,” the man snorted. “Fifty people have told me that you can’t preach!”

Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to
a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red
lipstick, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He
opened his newspaper and started reading.
A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes
arthritis”?

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?”

“I don’t have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope
does.”