Category: other

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialised in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.”He looks like he’d be a pretty good attack dog,” said the buyer.”Well, he’s not bad,” replied the owner, “but I have a different one in mind for you.”They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.”Ah,” said the buyer.”This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.””Well, no.” said the owner.”I have something better in mind for you.”The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men’s approach.”This is the dog I had in mind for you,” said the owner.The buyer was flabbergasted.”You’re joking!” he exclaimed.”This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn’t even act like an attack dog.””I know he appears tame now,” said the owner.”But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.”

An Irishman goes into a pub in London with a little man, 6 inches tall, in his shirt pocket. He says to the barman, “I’d like a pint of Guinness for meself and a thimble of Guinness for me friend.”The barman says, “Cor blimey, what’ve you got there, Paddy? Is it a little Irish leprechaun?”Paddy answers, “No, it’s an Englishman with the shit kicked out of him.”

Una pareja asiste a una exposici�n ganadera y entra a la subasta de toros de crianza. El subastador anuncia el primer animal que ser� subastado:

“Este es un magn�fico ejemplar. Este toro se reprodujo 60 veces en el �ltimo a�o”.

La esposa le pica las costillas al marido reproch�ndole:

“�Ves, son m�s de cinco veces en un mes!”

Anuncian el segundo astado:

“�Otro fino semental, esta maravilla se reprodujo 120 veces el �ltimo a�o!”

Otra vez la mujer le dirige al marido:

“�O�ste, son diez veces al mes! �Qu� te parece eso?”

El hombre empieza a sentirse molesto con la comparaci�n cuando anuncian la subasta del tercer semental:

“�Y este extraordinario ejemplar se reprodujo 360 veces en un a�o!”

La esposa golpea al marido en el brazo y espeta:

“�Una vez por d�a, todos los d�as del a�o! �Qu� dices a eso?”

El marido ahora est� realmente furioso y grita:

“�Seguro, una vez al d�a, pero preg�ntale al subastador si todas las veces fueron con la misma vaca!”

What do you call a dog with brass balls? SPARKY!

The Van Gough Family

His obnoxiou brother… Please Gogh
His dizy aunt… Verti Gogh
His brother who ate prunes… Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked in a convenience store… StopN Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia… U Gogh
The brother who bleached his cloths white…Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois… Chica Gogh
His magician unlce… Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin… Amee Gogh
His Mexican cousin’ American half brother… Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage…Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle… Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt…Tan Gogh
The bird loving uncle… Flamin Gogh
His nephew who was a psychoanalyst E Gogh
His fruit loving cousin… man gogh
The aunt who taught positive thinking… Wayto Gogh
The little nephew… Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco… Ahgo Gogh
His aunt who travels the country in his van… Winnie B. Gogh

An American earned some bonus from his work and he thought he deserved a
hunting trip to Canada. When he came to Canada he popped in a hunting store for
renting a hunting dog. Before he left, he asked the boss what the dog’s name
was, the boss told him the dog’s name is “Sales”.

During the hunting, Sales was so great, he barked when he saw quarries. He
never stopped chasing them until he got them. No need to say, the American
really got a bunch of quarries when he’s done this hunting trip.

Couple years after then, this American earned another big bonus again. So he
thought about the Canada hunting trip again. Of course he went to the same
hunting store to rent that dog named Sales as soon as he arrived Canada.
However, the boss told him they didn’t call him Sales any more. Just because of
his excellent performance, they called him “Manager” now. At the very same
moment, the boss pointed to one corner of the store and told the American, �Now
he does nothing but barks at that corner everyday.”

En el sal�n de clases de Pepito, un d�a la maestra les dijo:

“Si se portan bien y aprenden la lecci�n, ma�ana vengo con minifalda.”

Al dia siguiente la maestra iba en minifalda, y esta vez les dijo:

“Si se portan bien y aprenden la lecci�n, ma�ana vengo cubierta solamente con hojas de �rbol.”

Lo cumpli� y al d�a siguiente iba vestida s�lo con hojitas. Lleg� la hora del recreo y Pepito era el �nico que segu�a en el salon. Entonces la maestra le pregunt�:

“Pepito �por qu� no saliste?”

Y �l respondi�:

“Porque como hoy comienza el oto�o, estoy esperando a que las hojas se caigan…”

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

The WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get catgut?

4. In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI’s first name?

8. What colour is the purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

ANSWERS…….

1. 116 years from 1337 to 1453.

2. Ecuador.

3. Catgut comes from sheep and horses.

4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5. A camel’s hair brush is made from squirrel fur.

6. Comes from the latin phrase, Insularia Canaria–Island of Dogs

7. Albert–Took throne in 1936. Respected the wish of Queen Victoria that
no future king be called Albert.

8. A definite crimson.

9. New Zealand.

10. 30 years of course. From 1618-1648.

Un abogado se muere y se va al cielo, llega y toca la puerta. En eso sale San Pedro y le dice: “�T� quien eres?”

“Yo soy abogado y me han mandado al cielo”, responde al abogado. “�No, no! t� no puedes entrar ac�.”

“�Pero c�mo que no puedo entrar?, �t� quien eres para decirme que no puedo entrar?”

“�Como?… yo soy San pedro, el que decide si entras o no.”

“A ver, �d�nde est� tu t�tulo que dice que eres San pedro, el �nico que puede dejar o no entrar al cielo?”

“Un momento,” dice San Pedro, y se va corriendo a buscar a Jes�s y le cuenta lo que pasa con el abogaddo.

Entonces sale Jes�s: “Bueno, hombre, al parecer t� no puedes entrar al cielo porque ya no tenemso espacio, y ya… ya no pues.”

“�C�mo que no hay sitio, t� qui�n eres para que no me dejes entrar?”

“Yo soy Jesus el hijo de Dios y te digo que ya no puedes entrar al cielo.”

“�C�mo que hijo de Dios? �Cu�l Dios?, a ver, ense�ame tu partida de nacimiento donde dice que eres el hijo de Dios.”

Entonces Jesus va a buscar a Dios…

“Pap�… all� afuera hay un abogado que quiere entrar al cielo, primero le pidi� su t�tulo a San Pedro, luego me pidi� partida de nacimiento para ver si soy hijo de Dios… �qu� hago?”

“Ya, ya, ya… d�jalo entrar, �no vaya ser que me pida partida de matrimonio!”

Cierto domingo por la ma�ana, un tipo se encuentra en el confesionario:

“�Padre, confieso que… Mmmmm… �He robado!”

“�Mal, muy mal, hijo!”, le reprende el sacerdote. “Como penitencia, adem�s de rezar diez padrenuestros y quince avemar�as, sin olvidar, claro, un credo, le dar�s 100 pesos a la primera persona que veas al salir de la iglesia”.

“Est� bien”, contesta el arrepentido pecador.

Al salir se encuentra a una chica:

“�Ten 100 pesos!”

“�Son 150!”, exige la mujer.

“No, no, son 100”, se aferra el tipo.

“�Qu� no, son 150!”, reclama la joven con una cara de molestia.

Desesperado, el tipo explica:

“Mira, el padre me dijo que eran 100”.

“�Al padre s� porque ya es cliente!”

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through
a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and
a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant
three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the
love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”