Category: other

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the
pilot announced, “Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy
fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.”

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one… a semi-retired
minister…

“Now, now, keep calm, folks” he said. “Let’s all bow our heads and pray.”

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray… except fellow near the
back.

“Why aren’t you bowing your head to pray?” the minister asked.

“Well, I don’t know how to pray,” replied the passenger.

“Well, just do something religious!” piped up another well meaning passenger.

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat…

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of
Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one
of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
Looking at the opening screen may recognize the Georgia edition.

It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed
on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note:

Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:

Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and
duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff that does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation
marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:

tiperiter…………….A word processor
colering book…………a graphics program
addin mershene………..calculator
scratch paper ………..notepad
jupe-box …………….CD Player
inner-net…………….Microsoft Explorer
pichers………………A graphics viewer
IRS………………….M/S accounting software
IRS2…………………M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog……………..American kennel club records
fishin……………….Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA………………….National Rifle Association
shot gun …………….Remington Arms price list
riffel……………….Winchester price list
pisstel………………Smith & Wesson price list
truck………………..Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code
house………………..Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car …………………same as truck, just need two lists in Texas
cuzzins………………family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records…………..usually an empty file
shells……………….ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file
bud………………….list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
racin………………..NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations
that carry the race car n’ truck
Parts…….nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc …………………veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the
Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

“Well…” the man drawled, “not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old.”

“My goodness Jack, and at your age too.” the doctor said. “I hope you took at least some precautions.”

“Yep. I may be old, but I ain’t senile yet doc. I gave ’em all a phony name.”

We’ve all seen him, the party drunk/asshole. He has too much to drink, makes an ass out of himself, barfs all over the rug, then passes out on your bed.We had a guy on the boat (I’m in the USN sub force) who would get so drunk when we pulled into a liberty port the asshole had to be carried back and dumped in his rack. We didn’t want the MP’s to snag him because that makes the boat look bad and our dickhead CO might have secured everyone’s liberty.To take care of this once and for all, we brought him back one night, out cold of course, and placed him in his rack on his side with his ass pointing to us. One person pulled down is pants and underwear while another person ran to the freezer and Doc’s office. The second person came back with a frozen hotdog and a condom.Here is how you do this little stunt:1. Unwrap the condom and place it over the frozen hotdog. A lubricated one works best.2. Shove the device up the guys ass and leave it there for a second or two. The condensation from the hotdog will allow it to be removed from the condom while leaving the rubber in the asshole.3. Pull the victims pants up and leave them unbuttoned and unbuckled. (OPTIONAL)The less people involved the better. When our victim woke up and went to the head we all had to leave to keep from cracking up. When he was done with his shit, shower, and shave, he came to the mess decks for chow. He sat next to a friend of mine who was involved with the shen and asked, “Hey man, what happened last night?””I was going to ask you the same thing. You started drinking with some dork from a skimmer and the next thing we knew you guys were off to the bars out in town. Why?”He had a mortified look on his face.”Uhh, just wondering.”He never got trashed again while on that deployment.

One day a little old nun was going 35 miles and hour down the highway. The cop pulled her over because she was so slow and asked her why she didn’t go any faster.

She pointed at the sign that said highway 35 on it and said that was the speed limit. The cop corrected her and told her that it was highway 35.

The cop looked in the back and saw two scared nuns. He asked them what was wrong and they said, “We just got off highway 130!”

why did super man dip him self in mustard and wrap him self in cheese? HE WANTED TO MAKE A HERO SANDWHICH

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialised in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.”He looks like he’d be a pretty good attack dog,” said the buyer.”Well, he’s not bad,” replied the owner, “but I have a different one in mind for you.”They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.”Ah,” said the buyer.”This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.””Well, no.” said the owner.”I have something better in mind for you.”The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men’s approach.”This is the dog I had in mind for you,” said the owner.The buyer was flabbergasted.”You’re joking!” he exclaimed.”This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn’t even act like an attack dog.””I know he appears tame now,” said the owner.”But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.”

An Irishman goes into a pub in London with a little man, 6 inches tall, in his shirt pocket. He says to the barman, “I’d like a pint of Guinness for meself and a thimble of Guinness for me friend.”The barman says, “Cor blimey, what’ve you got there, Paddy? Is it a little Irish leprechaun?”Paddy answers, “No, it’s an Englishman with the shit kicked out of him.”

This one guy goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says “Hello, sir, what are you here for?”

The man replies “Doc, for a week I have had an orange dick!, it started scaring me so I came here”

The doctor then asks him “What have you been doing all week?”

The patient thought and replied “I have just been sitting around watching porno�s and eating Chee-Toes”

Q. Why do Mexicans drive lowriders?

A. So they can pick cabbage and drive at the same time.

A group of Aussie gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank. After a lot of thought, they all agree on the way to go about it.In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately. The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, are more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.The first safe’s combination is cracked and inside the robbers find only a bowl of vanilla pudding.’Well,’ says one robber to another, ‘at least we get a bit to eat.’They open up the second safe and it also contains nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continues until all the safes are opened and there is not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found. Instead, all the safes contain containers of pudding.Disappointed, each of the mobsters makes a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.The following morning, a Sydney newspaper headline reads, ‘Australia’s largest sperm bank robbed early this morning.’

Yo’ mama so fat, her doctor said she had a flesh-eating disease and told her
she had 13 years to live!