Category: other

El jefe est� teniendo una aventura amorosa con su secretaria. Una tarde en el motel, tras una intensa juerga, el hombre, poco acostumbrado a tanta actividad, se queda profundamente dormido.

Cuando despierta, a las 8:30 de la noche, se da cuenta de lo tarde que se le ha hecho para regresar a su hogar.

“�Ap�rate!”, le dice a la secretaria, “mientras me visto, lleva mis zapatos al jard�n del motel y emb�rralos de lodo”.

Sorprendida, la secretaria obedece. Cuando el tipo llega a la casa una hora despu�s y su esposa le reclama, el hombre dice:

“No puedo mentirte, querida. Me pas� la tarde con mi secretaria en un motel, despu�s me qued� dormido y se me hizo tarde para regresar a casa”.

La esposa, contemplando los zapatos del hombre, irritada le grita:

“�Vil mentiroso, otra vez te escapaste a jugar golf!”

Did you hear about the [ethnic] who was tap dancing?

He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

What do you call a black guy on a bike?

A thief!

Jesus and St Paul are in heaven talking about the pollution in
the seas and rvers of the earth. The Holy Son Says he is going
down to view the situation himself 7 Paul agrees to join
him.When they get there, Jesus discovers a huge metal pipe. Paul
explains to him that it taks the waste out to sea where it kills
the sealife. Jesus then walks out to sea on top of the waves
where Paul follows underneath the surface. He keeps walking on
in amazement of jesus skill to be able to walk on water but
finally asks for some help.
“Master, I will follow you anywhere but im am up to my neck in
freezing cold shitty water and i think im going to drown.
Jesus looks at paul and says “Why don’t you walk on the pipe
like me then you stupid twat?”

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay
for the haircut but the barber refused saying “you do God’s work.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused payment saying “you protect the public.” The next morning the
barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying “you serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

God says to Adam, “I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?” Adam says, “Tell me the good news first.” God says, “I’m going to give you a penis and a brain. You’ll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect.” Adam replies, “Wonderful! But what’s the bad news?” God says, “I’m only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time.”

Tres due�os de funerarias se re�nen para tomarse unos tragos. El primero les comenta a los otros dos que el caso m�s dif�cil para �l fue preparar a un hombre que le hab�an dado treinta pu�aladas.

“Eso no es nada, a m� me toc� preparar una persona que ten�a el brazo dentro del o�do y le sal�an los dedos por el cerebro”, afirma otro.

“Pues a m� me toc� preparar una viejita que la hab�an violado doce tipos…”, declara el tercero.

“�Y d�nde est� la dificultad?”, preguntan intrigados los otros dos.

“�En que me cost� mucho quitarle la cara de felicidad!”

Three couples went out camping.

The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.

At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, “Wow, unbelievable!”

Bill woke up and asked, “What’s going on?”

Bob said, “I’ve got to go to the other tent and find my wife.”

“How come?”

“To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I’ve ever had in my life!”

After a pause, Bill said, “Do you want me to come with you?”

“Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?”

“Because that’s my dick you’re holding.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

You haven’t been with a woman for so long, the last time you felt a breast
it came out of a KFC bucket.

Which of the following doesn’t belong?

(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blow job

(D) A blowjob, because its possible to beat your meat, your eggs or your wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

1. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah build the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something Really big.

3. Don’t listen to critics. Do what has to be done.

4. Build on the high ground.

5. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so was the snails.

8. If you can’t fight or flee–float.

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don’t sit there and complain–shovel!

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs & the Titanic was built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

16. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the other side.

18. DON’T MISS THE BOAT !!!!

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.