Yours Fun Portal !
En un restaurante, un comensal le ordena al mesero:
“Mesero, d�me un huevo duro”.
El mesero lo atiende y le lleva el huevo. Tiempo despu�s, el tipo grita enojado:
“Mesero, este huevo est� blando”.
El mesero se acerca a la mesa, mira al huevo y exclama:
“�C�llate, huevo hijo de puta!”
En una entrevista a un viejo lobo de mar:
“Capit�n, de sus muchas aventuras por el mundo, �cu�l recuerda como la m�s terrible?”
“�Hombre! Fue en 1977, tras un largo viaje por los mares de China y Jap�n. Aquella vez, al regresar a mi casa, se me ocurri� botar las cenizas de mi cigarrillo en el piso que acababa de fregar mi mujer, y… �para qu� contarle!”
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?”
He replied, “1 second.”
The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?”
And God replied, “A penny.”
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?”
And God replied, “Just wait a sec.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
There is black boy, Malcolm; a white boy, James; and a Mexican girl
Jaunita in a spelling bee at school.
To win the spelling bee the student must spell the word correctly and use
the word in a sentence.
Teacher: James, spell dictate.
James: d-e-c-t-a-t-e
Teacher: Sorry that’s wrong.
Teacher: Juanita spell dictate.
Juanita: d-i-k-t-a-t-e
Teacher: Sorry that’s wrong.
Teacher: Malcolm spell dictate.
Malcolm: d-i-c-t-a-t-e
Teacher: Correct Malcolm. Now use it in a sentence.
Malcolm: Juanita, how my dic tate las nite?
The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party.
“John,” she said, “did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?”
“No,” the man replied happily, looking at his wife, “I don’t think anyone ever did?”
“Well,” she snapped, “then where did you ever get the idea!!!”
One day the norse god Thor was looking down upon the earth and was watching couples amking out in a park. He decided that this looked like fun, so with a clap of thunder, Thor was walking around the park as a human man. He came upon a young beautiful girl sitting alone and asked if he could join her. The girl replied “For THURE” and Thor gathered that the girl had a lisp but figured as good as she looked, what the heck, so he sits down and soon they were making out like the other couples. As her passions grew, she finally said, “wait a minute, wait a minute, lets go back to my plath!” so the left and went into her apartment and let nature take its course. After about 18 hours of nonstop sex, she says “hold up, i gotha go pith!” and she gets up to go use the bathroom. While she’s gone Thor lies thinking to himself, “surely by now she realizes that I’m no mere mortal man, I should tell her who I am”. So when she re-enters the room, Thor is standing on the end of the bed, pounding his chest and declares “I’m THOR!” the exhausted girl lokks at him and yells “You’re Thor, I’m tho thore that i cant even pith!!!
This pregnant woman is in a bank getting some money when a maked gun-man runs in and robs the bank, on the way out he shoots the woman three times. She is rushed to hospital and the doctor assure her she and the babies are fine and the bullets are best left in her. The birth was indeed normal and she was blessed with three children.
–14 Years Later–
The first daughter walks up to her Mum and says “Mum, something odd just happened, I passed a bullet” The Mum was shocked by this but explains what happened to the girl.
–Later that day–
The second daughter walks up to her Mum and says “Mum, something odd just happened, I passed a bullet” The Mum was less shocked by this but explains what happened to the girl.
— Later that evening–
The son walks up to her Mum and says “Mum, something odd just happened” The Mum now expecting this said “Let be guess you just passed a bullet ?” The boy looks shocked by this and says “No, I was having a wank and I shot the dog !”
Porque hacen pip� en cualquier lado.
Porque s�lo se entienden con los de su raza.
Porque hablan otro idioma.
Porque ‘ladran’ pero no ‘muerden’.
Porque s�lo piensan en comer.
Porque se van detr�s de cualquier perra.
Porque lloran cuando los dejan solos.
Porque se ponen felices cuando los sacamos a pasear.
Porque uno los echa y siempre vuelven.
Porque son f�ciles de distraer.
Porque se dejan llevar solo por sus instintos… �No piensan!
Porque hay variedad de razas y colores.
Porque a veces estorban.
Porque entre m�s cansada est� una m�s remolones se ponen.
Porque cuando eructan creen que es una gracia.
Porque los perros comen cualquier cosa.
Porque son m�s bonitos cuando peque�os.
Porque hay que vacunarlos contra la rabia.
Porque manejan tan bien como un perro.
Porque todo hay que dec�rselos y repet�rselos 20 veces.
Porque hay que gritarles para que entiendan.
A guy (we’ll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman’s home.
As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette.
Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing.
He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there.
Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
“Aaron, The carpet looks wonderful!” she exclaimed. “Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my cellphone?”
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.
As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.
Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.
“That’s the first time I’ve ever seen carp-to-carp walleting,” remarked one of the fisherman.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A man travelling on a train ask the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria. “This train doesn’t stop at Victoria, its the express”
“Your joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria”
“Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria”
“There must be something you can do”
“Well there is one thing”
“What, anything, I need to get off”
“Well, I’ll get the driver to slow down and I’ll dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform”
“my god! will that work”
“Its worth a try”
The train approaches the platform at 50 mph. The ticket collector hangs the man in mid air out the door, The man starts running! The man is running in mid air. “Run faster! Run faster!”
The ticket collector lowers the man down. The mans feet touch the platform! Smoke flies of his shoes and his heel comes off. The man is running for his life! The ticket collector lets go. The man is running at 30mph!! He’s made it, he begins to slow down He’s still running at 20mph along side the train as the other passengers watch in amazement
As the last carriage goes by a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts him back onto the train. As he’s being pulled into the carriage he hears a voice say….. “Your lucky I was here to help, this train doesn’t even stop at Victoria!!!!”
IF MEN REALLY DID RULE THE WORLD…Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.Birth control would come in ale or lager.Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.”Sorry I’m late, but I got hammered last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.Tanks would be far easier to rent.Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”Valentine’s Day would be moved to 29 Feb so it would only occur in leap years.On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.”Cops” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.The only show opposite Mon. Night Football would be Mon. Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.Every man would get four real “Get Out of Jail Free” cards per year.When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.People would never talk about how fresh they felt.Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.