Category: other

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.

This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.

It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: ‘keep off the grass.’

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, they fell asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and says, “Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” asked The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute, then says,”Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?” The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, sighs, then says,”Tonto, you moron, someone has stolen our tent.”

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!”

The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.

He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”

The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.”

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.

Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink. She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky voice say’s “Honey, would you like some of this?”The husband looks between his ageing wife’s legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, “HELL, NO! Look what its done to your underwear.”

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I have found at old age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of their faces.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Japnese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I thought about being rich and it don’t mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac.

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, “Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from.”

I have decided that nostalgia is the VCR of our minds.

Submitted by Sai1ram
Edited by Curtis

A man who smelled like a distillery, flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick,and a half bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say,Father, what causes
arthritis?”

“It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. “I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

El d�a de la �ltima Cena est�n todos los ap�stoles reunidos y uno de ellos dice:

“Bueno, como hoy es un gran d�a, vamos a celebrarlo meti�ndonos de postre estas maravillosas rayas de coca, especialmentre tra�das de la finca de mi abuelo para amenizar esta velada. As� que vamos all�”.

Se esparcen por la mesa unas rayas bien cargadas (unos 50 gramos m�s o menos) y de repende dice Jesucristo:

“Si no os importa, ya que soy el que preside la mesa empezar� a disfrutar del postre”.

“No hay problema”, responden todos.

J�s�s se acerca con cuidado al tesoro, aproxima el rostro al sembrado blanco, esnifa con buen estilo y, una vez que levanta la cabeza, titubea; de repente… �Atchisssssssss…! Tose de forma estrepitosa e incontrolada.

La coca que deber�a seguir en la mesa se volatiliza en una humareda blanca e intangible desapareciendo en el aire a los pocos segundos.

Todos enmudecen en una expresi�n digna de un cuadro expresionista, pero al instante Judas se levanta y exclama:

“�Me cago en D… No es para matarlo al cabr�n… No es para matarlo… Dec�dmelo!”

A preacher was completing a sermon on temperance. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis the preacher added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river, too!” The people clapped and said, “AMEN.” “And if I had all the whiskey in the world,” said the preacher, “I’d take it and throw it into the river!” As the reverend sat down, the song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'”

Two mexicans walk into a drug store (walgreens) and they are passing by the condoms section and one asked the other what this 6 pack of condoms was for and he says,”thats for us Mexicans” one for monday, one for tuesday,one for wednesday, one for thursday, one for friday, one for saturday, and never on sunday. He does the sign of the cross.Then there walking along again and then he sees an 8 pack and he asks him what that was for and he says thats for the black people ” one for monday, one for tuesday,one for wednesday, one for thursday, one for friday, one for saturday,and twice on sunday.Then they walk along again and one mexican sees a 12 and aked what that was for and the mexican says thats for the white people one for january, one for february,one for march………

Venancio le platica a Manolo muy angustiado:

“F�jate, Manolo, que siempre que bebo t� me duele el ojo izquierdo, y si bebo mucho, el ojo derecho tambi�n”.

“A m� tambi�n me dol�a antes, tal y como a ti te pasa en estos momentos, pero ya no”, le contesta Manolo con seguridad.

“�Cu�l fue el m�todo que usaste para que ya no te doliera?”, le pregunta con asombro.

“Muy f�cil, cuando termines de preparar tu t�, qu�tale la cucharita”.

what has two hands but don;t clap? a clock

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.

So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could.

When time for the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.

I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler…”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci