Category: other

A teacher asks her class of 3rd graders to use the word “fascinate” in a
sentence. She calls on a small boy sitting in the front row.
“I saw an air show. And it was very fascinating.”
“Good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.'” She
then calls on a girl sitting off to the left.
“I saw some monkeys. They were very fascinating.”
“Good, but I wanted you to use the world ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.'”
Billy’s hand shoots up into the air and she calls on him.
“Teacher, teacher! I got one!”
“Go ahead, Billy.”
“My sister’s shirt has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only
fascinate.”

Era un m�dico que no trataba muy bien a sus pacientes, ya que los remedios que daba no eran muy buenos; un d�a Juan, Luis y Jorge traman un plan. El plan consist�a en decirle al doctor que sufr�an una enfermedad muy extra�a para que el doctor no pudiera dar ning�n remedio.

Ese d�a entr� primero Luis y el doctor le pregunt�:

“�Qu� le pasa a usted?”

“Pues es muy extra�o, si como ensalada cago la ensalada intacta; si como arroz tambi�n lo cago igualito que cuando me lo com�”.

“Pues coma mierda para que cague mierda”.

Y Luis se fue furioso; luego entr� Juan y dijo:

“Doctor, tengo un dolor de cabeza a veces s�, a veces no, a veces s�, a veces no”.

“Pues aqu� tiene estas pastillas, t�meselas a veces s�, a veces no, a veces s�, a veces no”.

Y Juan se fue furioso. Entr� Jorge y dijo:

“Doctor, tengo algo adentro que me sube y me baja”.

“Eso es un peo indeciso”.

“�C�mo es eso?”

“�Bueno, que con la cara de culo que tienes no halla si salir por abajo o por arriba!”

Big Daddy’s Rap – The Lord’s PrayerYo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heavenYou be chillin – Hallowed be thy nameSo be yo hood – Thy Kingdom comeYou be sayin’ it, I be doin’ it – Thy will be doneIn this here hood and yo’s – On earth as it is in heavenGimme some eats – Give us this day our daily breadAnd cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespassesSos I be doin’ it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against usDon’t be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptationand keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil’Cause you always be da Man – For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.aiight

25> Party’s Over

24> U Suk*Pak Up

23> Buh-Bye Now

22> UR SOL! :-O

21> Go2 Jobs.com

19> Dear X-Worker

18> Adieu2Yieu

17> Door/Ass/Out

16> SleepIn4evr!

15> U R SO Scrwd

14> Got boxes?

13> Sux2BeU2day

12> URWeakestLnk

11> NanaHeyHey..

10> SenorLastDay

9> DontGoPostal

8> CUwldntwnaBU

7> L8er, LUser

6> HopeULikeTV

5> CUL8R…NOT!

4> # D Pavement

3> U R Toast

2> Stee-rike 3!

1> URTrmn8d,Fkr

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

If those old pickup lines aren’t working for you like “did it
hurt, (she says) what. When you fell from heaven. Then read
these pickup lines I guarantee at least one will work for you.

1.Are my undies showing? [“No.”] “Would you like them to?”
2.Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?
3.Can I borrow a quarter? “What for?” I want to call your mother
and thank her.
4.Congratulations! You’ve been voted “Most Beautiful Girl In
This Room” and the grand prize is a night with me!
5.Damn, I thought “very-fine” only came in a bottle!
6.Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
7.Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write
down my number?
8.Do you know the essential difference between sex and
conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
9.Excuse me, do you think you might possibly have a mutual
friend who could introduce us.
10.For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.
11.Gee, for a fat girl you sure don?t sweat much.
12.Have you heard the latest piece of medical knowledge saying
that Sex is a real killer? Do you want to die happy?
13.Hi, are you here to meet a nice man or will I do?
14.Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me
down; go ahead say no.
15. Hi, I’ve been undressing you with my eyes all night long,
and think it’s time to see if I’m right.
16.Hi. You’ll do.
17.How do you like your eggs cooked? [Why?] Well I just wanted
know what to make for you in the morning!
18.I don’t know what you think of me, but I hope it’s X-rated.
19.I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!
20.I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you
are!!
21.I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
22.I seemed to have lost my way, would you mind taking me with
you.
23.I lost my number can I have yours.
24.I was going to tell you a joke that’ll make your tits fall
off. But it looks like somebody beat me to it.
25.I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you
are?
26.If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
27.If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it
against me?
28.If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
29.I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your
apartment?
30.I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t
deserve.

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.”
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
You want to choke a person when he or she says “Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”

Una mujer acompa�a a su marido a la consulta del m�dico. Despu�s del chequeo, el galeno llama a solas a la mujer a su despacho y le expone:

“Tu marido tiene una enfermedad muy grave combinada con un estr�s horrible. Si no haces lo siguiente, sin duda morir�: cada ma�ana prep�rale un desayuno saludable. Se amable y aseg�rate de que est� siempre de buen humor. Prep�rale para la comida algo que le alimente bien y que pueda llevar al trabajo. Y cuando vuelva a casa m�s tarde, una cena especial. No le agobies con tareas, ya que esto podr�a aumentar su estr�s. No hables de tus problemas ni discutas con �l, s�lo agravar�s su estr�s. Intenta que se relaje por las noches utilizando ropa interior sexy y d�ndole muchos masajes. An�male a que vea algo de deportes en la televisi�n. Y, lo m�s importante, haz el amor con �l varias veces a la semana y satisface todos sus caprichos sexuales. Si puedes hacer esto durante los pr�ximos diez o doce meses, creo que tu marido recuperar� su salud completamente”.

De camino a casa, el marido pregunta a la mujer:

“�Qu� te dijo el m�dico?”

“Que te vas a morir”.

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.

The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks:
“I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother’s strudel.”
“No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.”
“I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?” the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. “Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother’s delicious strudel?” the old man plaintively queries?

“I’m very sorry,grandfather, she says you can’t have any, it’s for the funeral!”

En un pueblo de Espa�a viv�a la Pilarica, famosa por sus andanzas y en donde ya todo el g�nero masculino hab�a gozado de sus caricias practicando el sexo de todas las formas posibles.

En esos d�as llega por ah� un turista despistado, la conoce en un restaurante t�pico y la empieza a conquistar formalmente, trat�ndola como toda una mujer decente, ya que �l desconoc�a sus antecedentes de ramera. Al poco tiempo, todo el pueblo se entera de que va haber matrimonio y todos asisten a la boda, m�s por morbosidad que por otra cosa.

Se celebra la boda, y ese d�a la pareja decide pasar su primer noche en hotel del pueblo. Todos los lugare�os deciden, por malicia, espiar por una ventana del hotel para saber lo que va a hacer la Pilarica ante semejante situaci�n.

Empieza la funci�n y como en la ventana nom�s pod�a estar uno solo, �ste les va diciendo de uno en uno lo que va pasando:

“La est� besando”.

Y el otro le dice al otro y as� sucesivamente:

“La est� besando”.

“La est� desvistiendo”, y se pasa la voz.

“Ya le quit� las pantaletas”, le informa el mir�n al segundo y �ste al tercero y as� hasta llegar al �ltimo.

En eso, el novio le dice susurrante a la Pilarica:

“�Te lo voy a hacer por donde nunca te la han hecho!”

Y el que est� en la ventana empieza a gritar:

“�La va a dejar ciega, la va a dejar ciega!”

Esta pareja de recien casados est�n de luna de miel en L�bano. Paseaban por el mercado mirando la mercancia y cuando pasaron por una tiendita de sandalias oyeron un caballero que les dice: “Venid adendro de mi humilde diendita, baisanos.”

Los reci�n casados entraron y el hombre les dice que tiene unas sandalias especiales que los estimular�n a tener un sexo salvaje como gran “gamello del desierto.”

La esposa estaba realmente interesada en comprar las sandalias despu�s del comentario del Liban�s, pero su marido pensaba que no las necesitaba, siendo un hombre joven y viril, as� que le pregunt� al tendero, “Como podr�an esas sandalias convertirme en un monstruo del sexo?”

“S�lo dienes que brobarlas, Saiheeb.”

Despu�s de mucho acoso de su esposa, finalmente hace el intento. Tan pronto como desliza sus pies en las sandalias, se le ve una mirada salvaje en sus ojos; algo que su esposa no hab�a visto nunca, una potencia sexual del demonio.

En un parpadeo de ojos, el marido agarr� al Libanes firmemente por las nalgas, le baj� los pantalones y lo puso en cuatro listo para sodomizarlo.

El Liban�s comenz� a gritar, “�Bara, bara! ��Te las busiste al rev�s, te las busiste al rev�s !!”

Est� un se�or con el psiquiatra y le dice:

Llega a un bar y le dice al bartender:

“Por favor deme tres tequilas.”

El bartender mira atr�s del hombre y ve que no hay mas nadie, le da los tres tequilas y el hombre se los bebe, paga y se va. Al otro d�a el hombre llega al bar y pide nuevamente tres tragos, se los toma y se va. Al d�a siguiente llega y pide nuevamente tres tragos y el bartender le pregunta:

“Caballero �por qu� usted siempre compra tres tragos si usted es uno solo?”

Y el caballero responde:

“Lo que pasa es que yo bebo por mi y por dos hermanos m�os que esta� fuera del pa�s.”

El bartender le da los tragos el hombre los toma y se va. Al d�a siguiente el hombre llega al bar pero esta vez pide dos tragos y dice el bartender:

“Ay, �no me diga que muri� uno de sus hermanos?”

Y el hombre responde:

“No, lo que sucede es que dej� la bebida…”

These two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored.

So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone’s front lawn.

“Look,” he shouts “What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?”

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies “They are having sex. Don’t tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?”.

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.

So the passenger says “You have to try it. It’s pretty cool. Here’s what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position.”

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.

So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks “Well. How did it go?”

To which the driver replies “It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.!!!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis