Category: other

Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?

A: Someone stole the book.

OLD” IS WHEN….. Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

“OLD” IS WHEN….. Your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. An “all nighter” means not getting up to pee!

An old wizard was walking through a park when he came upon two statues. One statue was male and the other was female. They were positioned on opposite ends of the park, facing each other with their arms extended out as if to embrace. The wizard stood there for a long time examining their sad facial expressions until he got an idea. He immediately opened up his bag of tricks and cast a spell on the statues to bring them to life. Once the statues realized they were human, they quickly ran up to him. The wizard, being very pleased with himself, told the statues that they could finally be together as a couple but there was one condition. He said, ”Go off and experience with each other whatever you’ve wanted to do for all these years but you must be back within a half an hour before the spell wears off.” Wasting no time, they quickly ran off into the bushes. The wizard, with great pride, sat down on a park bench and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later the two statues came walking back to him. The wizard, with great shock exclaimed, ”For over a hundred years you both have bore your passions and now that you have your chance, you come back after only fifteen minutes? Go back to the bushes and continue what you were doing before you lose your only chance!” With that in mind the female turns to the male and exclaims, ”The old man’s right. But this time you hold down the pigeons and I’ll crap on them!”

A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.

P.S: Sure is hot down here.

Una pareja va al cine; en la entrada una mujer se les acerca:

“�Quieren un ramo de flores para la se�orita?”

“No, gracias”.

“�Quieren algunos dulces? Son baratos”.

“No, gracias, no queremos nada”.

“�Tal vez un paquete de palomitas de ma�z? Est�n reci�n hechas”.

“�No, no, no! �No queremos NADA!”

Entonces, maliciosamente la mujer suelta:

“�En esta pel�cula el asesino es el chofer!”

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim. Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes. After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, ”I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

A un m�dico se le descompone el coche en una noche de tormenta en medio de una ruta perdida. El hombre ve una lucecita a lo lejos y va hacia all� a pedir ayuda. Cuando llega, encuentra dentro un mont�n de gente llorando:

“�Que se nos muere la ni�a, que se nos muere la ni�a!”

As� que el galeno va a examinar a la ni�a, que era una recia mocetona, y pide que los dejen solos para auscultarla. Al salir, emite su diagn�stico:

“Lo que esta joven tiene es una tremenda calentura, y si no se la folla alguien enseguida, se va a morir”.

La familia, por supuesto, arma un gran esc�ndalo; pero como el m�dico no se mueve de su diagn�stico y el tiempo apremia, llaman al novio de la moza, que viene y se pasa foll�ndola toda la noche.

A la ma�ana siguiente, la joven se levanta fresca como una rosa, y la familia no sabe c�mo agradecerle al doctor. Le ayudan a reparar el coche y �ste sigue su camino.

Un a�o despu�s, el doctor pasa por la misma ruta, se acuerda de la familia y va a saludarlos y ver c�mo va todo. Al entrar en la casa, se los encuentra a todos de luto.

“Es que se nos ha muerto el abuelo”, le explican.

“�Y llamaron a alg�n m�dico? �Le dieron alg�n tratamiento?”

“�Pues claro! Se lo foll� todo el pueblo, pero no hubo caso…”

*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader’s lines, and didn’t know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

* No word in the English language rhymes with month.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

* Cat’s urine glows under a black light.

* Back in the mid to late 80’s, an IBM compatible computer wasn’t considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft’s Flight Simulator.

* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* No NFL team which plays it’s home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl

* The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver”.

* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured

* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright’s son.

* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers –they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

* The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan”

As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car?”

Manejaba un hombre por un pueblo de gente conocida como muy poco inteligente junto a cuatro amigos en un viejo Renault 4. En medio de un puente se encuentran con un operativo caminero, un oficial los detiene y los interroga:

“Se�ores”, dice el oficial, “necesito ver la documentacion del veh�culo”.

“No hay problema, aqu� tiene.”

Despu�s de observar los papeles el oficial comenta:

“Bueno se�or, tendr� que levantar una infracci�n”.

“�Por qu�? Si todos los papeles est�n en orden.”

“�Claro que no, aqu� dice Renault 4 y ustedes son 5 pasajeros!”

“Pero oficial… el 4 es el modelo del automovil, no tiene nada que…”

“�Basta de discutir! �Aqu� solo pueden viajar 4 personas!”

“Pero es una locura que…”

“�BASTA HE DICHO! �Baje del veh�culo ahora mismo!”

“�Est� bien! �Est� bien! �Pero exijo hablar con el jefe del operativo!”

“Bueno, pero va a tener que esperar que termine de discutir con los dos pasajeros del Fiat Uno.”

1. You stand in “line-ups” at the movie, not lines.
2. You’re not offended by the term, “Homo Milk”
3. You understand the phrase, “Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine”
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4’s mean “Party at the camp, eh!!”
8. You don’t hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
9. You can drink legally while still a ‘teen.
10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12. You don’t know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it’s just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
14. You’re not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don’t want to know if he has!
15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield – that is some small town in Quebec!
19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and “taste like soap”.
22. You know that Mounties “don’t always look like that”
23. You read rather than scanned this list.

What’s really good on cherry pie and really bad on pussy?

Crust!

Submitted by Curtis
Editted by yisman