Category: other

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there’s an accident.

Pat calls Mike’s wife, Mary, and says: “Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there’s been an accident down at the Guinness.”

“Saints Preserve us,” says she, “is Mike alright?”
Pat responds, “I’d like to tell ya that, but it’d be a lie!”

“Ya don’t mean that me Mike’s been hurt?” says Mary.
“Sure, an it’s worse than that,” says Pat, “he’s fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!”

“Oh, well” says Mary, “At least it was quick, ya know he couldn’t swim a lick!”
“Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that,” says Pat, “but it’s be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!”

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.5. The Female is never wrong.6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.8. The Female can change her mind at any time.9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a
long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell
Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God,
we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone
people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was
done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this, let’s say we have a man
making contest.”

To which the scientist replied, “OK, great!”

But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old
days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a
handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”

What do you call a pollock with half a brain?

Gifted

Una se�ora ten�a dos perritos gemelos. Era tanto el parecido que decidi� ponerles de nombre Teta1 y Teta2.

Un d�a de domingo la se�ora decide llevar a los perros con ella a la iglesia, cuando ve salir a un feligr�s y le pregunta: “Se�or se�or �usted cree que me dejen entrar a misa con mis dos Tetas?”

Y el se�or le responde:

“�Claro, a mi me dejaron entrar con mis dos huevos!”

Suena el tel�fono del lujoso departamento de la emperifollada, Marilolis de los Monteros:

“�Est� la se�orita de los Monteros? “

“S�, pero ahorita esta cagando”, responde la f�mula.

“�Oh, disculpe!”

D�as despu�s se encuentran las amigas:

“�Ay, manita, t� ser�s muy fina y de mucha alcurnia pero tu sirvienta es de lo peor!”

“�Por qu� me dices eso?”

“Es que hace unos d�as te habl� y me contest� una vulgaridad. Me dijo: bzzz, bzzz, bzzz… �Te imaginas cuando te llame tu prometido, el millonario ese?”

“�Ay, no!”

De regreso a su departamento, rega�a a la criada.

“�Lencha, cuando vuelvas a contestar y yo est� en el ba�o, di que estoy en una reuni�n!”

“S�, se�orita”.

Al rato, suena el tel�fono:

“�Me comunica con Marilolis, por favor?”

“Ahorita no puede contestar, acaba de entrar a una reuni�n”.

“�Y tardar� mucho?”

“Pos yo creo que no, porque ya iba por el pasillo pedorre�ndose”.

There were two best friends ever. One was very religious, the other one not so. One day they got into a car accident and both of them died. The religious one went to heaven and his best friend went to hell.Months passed by, then the one in heaven began to miss his best friend, so he asked God if he could go visit his friend in hell. God said yes, but you can only go for three days and If you are a second late you can’t get back in. He says okay and grabbed whatever he needed for three days and went to visit his friend in hell.A month later while partying all day and night, he knocked on the heaven’s door, God opened the door and told him that he couldn’t get back into heaven because had broken the rule, he said that’s okay, I just came to get the rest of my stuff.

John grew up on a remote dairy farm in Minnesota, and finally decided it was time to get some experience with women.

So he drove the pick-up into the nearest city and managed to find a prostitute who was more than willing to initiate him into the mysteries of sex.

Undressing, the hooker lay down and proceeded to instruct him carefully.

“Stick it in, honey…..all the way……now pull it out….. okay, back in, slowly………more, oooh, more……now back again.”

“For Christ’s sake,” interrupted the sweating farm boy, “could you make up your mind??”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim. Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes. After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, ”I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

A un m�dico se le descompone el coche en una noche de tormenta en medio de una ruta perdida. El hombre ve una lucecita a lo lejos y va hacia all� a pedir ayuda. Cuando llega, encuentra dentro un mont�n de gente llorando:

“�Que se nos muere la ni�a, que se nos muere la ni�a!”

As� que el galeno va a examinar a la ni�a, que era una recia mocetona, y pide que los dejen solos para auscultarla. Al salir, emite su diagn�stico:

“Lo que esta joven tiene es una tremenda calentura, y si no se la folla alguien enseguida, se va a morir”.

La familia, por supuesto, arma un gran esc�ndalo; pero como el m�dico no se mueve de su diagn�stico y el tiempo apremia, llaman al novio de la moza, que viene y se pasa foll�ndola toda la noche.

A la ma�ana siguiente, la joven se levanta fresca como una rosa, y la familia no sabe c�mo agradecerle al doctor. Le ayudan a reparar el coche y �ste sigue su camino.

Un a�o despu�s, el doctor pasa por la misma ruta, se acuerda de la familia y va a saludarlos y ver c�mo va todo. Al entrar en la casa, se los encuentra a todos de luto.

“Es que se nos ha muerto el abuelo”, le explican.

“�Y llamaron a alg�n m�dico? �Le dieron alg�n tratamiento?”

“�Pues claro! Se lo foll� todo el pueblo, pero no hubo caso…”

*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader’s lines, and didn’t know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

* No word in the English language rhymes with month.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

* Cat’s urine glows under a black light.

* Back in the mid to late 80’s, an IBM compatible computer wasn’t considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft’s Flight Simulator.

* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* No NFL team which plays it’s home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl

* The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver”.

* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured

* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright’s son.

* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers –they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

* The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan”

One day a blonde called the fire station to report a fire.the
guys said “how do you get there the blonde said “Durrr with the
truck.”