Category: other

En el convento del pueblo estaba como interna una monjita que era demasiado grosera; siempre que estaban platicando con sus compa�eras de cualquier cosa ella decia muchas groser�as. Las dem�s ya estaban cansadas de ella y en una platica que tuvieron llegaron a la conclusi�n de que cuando la monja grosera dijera una de sus groser�as la dejar�an sola en el lugar en que estuvieran.

En una ocasi�n estaban platicando de la guerra y sus consecuencias, y una de ellas dijo:

“Si yo pudiera mandar�a un cami�n lleno de alimentos para toda esa pobre gente que no tiene que comer.”

Otra dijo:

“Si yo pudiera mandar�a un cami�n lleno de medicinas para los pobres enfermos.”

Y en eso dice la monja grosera:

“Si yo pudiera mandar�a un cami�n lleno de putas para todos esos cabrones.”

Y de repente todas las monjas se paran de sus lugares y se dirigen a la puerta y la monja grosera les dice:

�ESPERENSE, PENDEJAS TODAVIA NO LLEGA EL CAMION!

why did the jelly baby go to school?

A: coz he wanted to b a smartie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Lord:So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card.However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more of Your help after that.Amen…..

What is the difference between a school bus and a cucumber?With a cucumber, all the little pricks are on the outside.

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop
stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a
book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for
fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused.
The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and
holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying
and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing
his head off.
“What’s so funny?” they asked him.

“It was great,” he said. “I farted and my neighbor’s house
blew up.”

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says “Hello”. The voice at the end of the phone says “Hello Mr. Hussein, it’s Paddy here. I’m just ringing to let you know that we’ve declared war on your country.” SH smiles to himself, “Come on Paddy”, he says, “there’s no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn’t stand a chance.” Paddy replies, “No, no, we’ve had ourselves a meeting, and we’ve decided to declare war on you.” So SH says, “OK Paddy, now listen, I’ve got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It’d be over in no time.” So Paddy says, “Well my lad’s got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport.” Hussein laughs, “Oh come on, you’ve not got a hope”. “Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, “, Paddy says, “we’ll just have a quick meeting.” So off he goes and has a quick meeting. “Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we’ve had our meeting, and we’ve decided that we’re still going to declare war.” So SH says, “Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we’ve also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that.” “Well,” Paddy says, “I’ve got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor.” “Get real, ” says SH, “that’s no match at all.” So Paddy says, “Hold on, I’ll just go and have another meeting.” “Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we’ve had our meeting, and we’ve decided that we’re still going to declare war.” SH thinks this is just amazing, “Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?”. “Well,” says Paddy, “there’s me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there’s Bill down the road…. I reckon I could get together about 30.” Laughing openly now SH replies, “Come on Paddy, I’ve got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you’d better go and have another meeting.” “I will”, says Paddy, “I will.” “Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we’ve had our meeting, and we’ve decided that we’re not going to declare war on you after all.” “At last, ” replies SH, “What made you change your mind?” “Well, it’s those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can’t declare war on you because we’ve not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!”

Three nuns died and went to heaven. Outside the Pearly Gates, St. Peter
said, “I am sorry, I know you are nuns, but before I let you in, I have
to ask you each one question, if you answer correctly, you can enter.”
“That’s all right,” they said.
“Okay,” St. Peter said, he asked the 1st nun “Who was the first man on
Earth?”
The first nun replied, “That’s easy, Adam.”
Bright lights came on the chimes sounded, and the Gates opened. The
first nun entered.
Peter asked the second nun “Who was the first woman on Earth?”
The second nun replied, “That’s easy, Eve.”
Bright lights came on, the chimes souned, and the Gates opened. The
second nun entered.
Peter asked the last nun. “What were the first words that Eve ever said
to Adam?”
The last nun replied. “Oh, that’s hard…..”
Bright lights came on, the chimes souned, and the Gates opened.

Manual pr�ctico para entender el espa�ol de los hombres

Si un hombre dice:

Tengo hambre = Tengo hambre.
Tengo sue�o = Tengo sue�o.
Estoy cansado = Estoy cansado.
Hablemos = Estoy tratando de impresionarte, para que pienses que soy un hombre profundo y accedas a tener sexo conmigo (comprobado).
Pareces tensa, �te doy un masaje? = Primero te meto mano, despu�s quiero sexo contigo.
�Me concedes esta pieza? = Quiero un agarre y despu�s sexo contigo.
�Te gustar�a ir al cine conmigo? = Quiero sexo contigo.
�Quieres cenar conmigo hoy en la noche? = Quiero sexo contigo.
�Te puedo llamar el viernes? = Quiero sexo contigo.
�Te quieres casar conmigo? = Quiero que sea ilegal para ti acostarte con otro hombre que no sea yo.
(De compras) s�, s�, mi amor, te queda bonito = Ag�rralo de una vez y v�monos ya �carajo!
Qu� bonito ese vestido = �Qu� buena est�s!
S�, s�, est� bien tu nuevo corte = Te quedaba mejor el anterior.
S�, te queda bien el nuevo corte = 100 soles… �pa’ la basura!
Pero, �cu�l es el problema? = No entiendo la tragedia.
�Qu� te pasa? = �Qu� trauma psicol�gico auto-inventado te afecta hoy?
�Est�s molesta? = Me imagino que esta noche, nada de sexo.
Estoy aburrido = Quiero ir a emborracharme con mis amigos.
Te amo = Necesito sexo… �ya!
Yo tambi�n te amo = Ok, �est�s contenta? �Podemos comenzar con el sexo?

Three girs went to God just before they went down to earth and told him how they wanted to be when the came down. The First girl said, “I want to be samrt.” So God sent her down as a Red Head. The second girl said, “I want to be smart and pretty” so God sent her down as a burnett. The third girl said I want to be pretty and self absorbed. So he sent her down as a man.

Eating with Children

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host’s three-year-old girl stared at her father’s boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, “My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don’t want to miss it!”

A young boy on his way home from school must pass a group of hookers.
Every day as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say ‘Hi there, little boy.’

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies.

She replies, ‘Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be… it is just a joke.’

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, ‘Hi there ladies!’

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a
long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell
Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God,
we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone
people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was
done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this, let’s say we have a man
making contest.”

To which the scientist replied, “OK, great!”

But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old
days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a
handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”