Category: other

Jhon woke up after a hard night of parting at his annual office party.Due to his major hangover, and the lack of memory of the night before, he figured it had probobly been pretty bad. He walked into the kitchen where his wife was making coffe, and said “last night was pretty bad huh” “you have no idea” she replied ,”you made a complete fool of yourself in front of your boss”
“oh piss on him” he yelled angrily
“you did, he fired you” she said
“screw that bastard”ha spat
“I did, your back to work on monday” she replied, and served him his morning coffe

1.) “I was kidding about being sterile, you
know.”

2.) “Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?”

3.) “How come it’s so BIG in there?”

4.) “You’ve done this with a lotta guys before…right?”

5.) “Next time I come over, don’t bother with the underwear, OK?”

6.) (Sniff, sniff) “Is that CAT food?”

7.) (Yelling) “OK guys, it’s a wrap, cut, and print it!!”

8.) “You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!”

9.) “My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better.”

10.) “Do you know what a ‘douche’ is?”

11.) “Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.

12.) “I want you to try some of MY deodorant.”

13.) “I’m not into relationships. Can’t we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?”

14.) “Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!”

15.) “I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!”

16.) “I’ve been getting these little blisters lately…….”

17.) “You wanna do those dishes before you leave?”

18.) “You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. “Aye, so I have. It’s Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…” Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.” Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!”

this man is driving down the road in his new car, and he see’s an old man trying to thumb a ride, and the old man has a dog with him. he feels sorry for the old man, so he pulls over and roll’s the window down and says to the old man, hey buddy i can give you a ride, but i cant put a dog in this new car. the old man says, oh thats no problem, the dog will keep up with us. the man thinks to himself yea right, and they take off. he gets up to forty mph. and looks over at the old man and says, hows the dog doing? the old man says he’s right here by the door. so he speeds up to sixty mph. and says hows the dog doing? the old man says he’s still here by the door. the man speeds up to ninty mph. and says hows the dog doing now? the old man says, he’s still here by the door the man slams on the brakes and comes to a sliding halt, and says theres no way that dog is still there, he runs around to the other side of the car, and sure enough the dog is still there. the man says, my gosh he really is there, but whats that ring around his neck? the old man says, well he’s never stopped that fast before, that’s his butt hole.

Un d�a caminaba un se�or por uno de los pasillos del Hospital Psiqui�trico con el doctor de turno. Mientras caminaba, ve a un hombre en una silla de ruedas muy melanc�lico y desolado que lloraba afanadamente y se quejaba exclamando una y otra vez: “�Ay Lol�!, �por qu� me dejaste Lol�!”

Entonces el se�or le pregunta al doctor:

“Doctor �y a ese hombre qu� le pas�?”

“F�jese usted que ese se�or se iba a casar, ya ten�a todo lo de la boda listo y planeado y justo en el momento de la boda, la novia no apareci� y lo dej� plantado. Desde ese d�a ha estado as�.”

Siguen caminando el se�or y el doctor. M�s adelante pasan por otro de los pasillos y ve el se�or que va con el doctor a un hombre con camisa de fuerza que se pegaba una y otra vez contra la pared, entonces el se�or le pregunta al doctor:

“Doctor �y a ese qu� le pas�?”

“�Ah no, pues ese fue el que se cas� con Lol�!”

Q.How do you occupy an idiot.

A.Write turn over on both sides of a piece of paper then give it to the idiot.

10 Words That Don’t Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’trus) adj. Possessing the ability to
turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a
dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of
confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it,
assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering
for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the
room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the
rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling
the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has
to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant
whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if
they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a
dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of
always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it
up, even when you’re only six inches away.

Did you hear about Polish woman that
wanted to trade her menstral cycle for a Honda.

Una vez un mexicano, un franc�s y un estadounidense estaban discutiendo acerca de quien era el hombre m�s rapido.

El franc�s les dijo: “Yo me subo a la torre Eifel y lanzo dos huevos, bajo corriendo, salgo y los cacho”.

Luego el estadounidense dice: “Yo soy m�s r�pido. Subo a la Estatua de la Libertad, lanzo un billete de d�lar, bajo corriendo, abro la bolsa de mi pantal�n y el dolar cae dentro.”

Despu�s el mexicano dice: “Yo me subo arriba de la Torre Latinoamericana, saco el culo, cago tres mojones..”

Y lo interrumpe el franc�s: “No me digas que bajas y cachas tu mierda.”

Y le dice el mexicano: “No, pendejo. �Bajo y me veo el culo!”

How do you know if an aboriginal’s riding a motorbike?

You can hear…gin gin giiiiin

Se encuentran dos amigos en un bar y uno le dice al otro:

“Vamos a hacer un negocio, �Cu�nto me das si te vendo a mi suegra?”

El otro responde:

“Por tu suegra, ni un centavo.”

“Okay, trato hecho.”

• You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
• You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
• Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
• You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
• You tune into the easy listening station…on purpose.
• You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large ….In that order.
• You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• You start video taping daytime game shows.
• At the airport, they ask to check your bags…and you’re not carrying any luggage.
• You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
• Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar…a month at a time.
• At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
• Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
• When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out… and it stays out.
• One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
• Conversations with people your own age often turn into “duelling ailments.”
• It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
• You discover the words, “whippersnapper”, “scallywag” and “by-crikey” creeping into your vocabulary.
• You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
• You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
• You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
• You look both ways before crossing a room.
• Your social security number only has three digits.
• You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
• You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden.
• You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep.
• The waiter asks how you’d like your steak…and you say “pureed.”
• At parties you attend, “regularity” is considered the topic of choice.
• You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
• You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.
• You refer to your $2500 stereo system as “The Hi-Fi.”
• You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
• You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
• Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
• Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
• The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.
• All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.
• The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
• You have more hair in your ears and nose than your head.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.