Category: other

For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram.”O.K,” I said, “let’s do it.””Stand up here real close” she said, (She got my boob in line,) “And tell me when it hurts,” she said, “Ah yes! Right there, that’s fine.”She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter’s in a vice!My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin.Excruciating pain I felt, Within it’s vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!”Take a deep breath” she said to me, Who does she think she’s kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.”There, that’s good,” I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) “Now, let’s have a go at the other one.” Have mercy, I was praying.It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides. I’ll bet SHE’S never had this done, To HER tender little hide.Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled.If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone “ker-pow!”This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I’d like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out.

Un borracho decide pasar la noche en la esquina de la calle.

En eso pasa una persona muy r�pido y pocos segundos despu�s pasa un polic�a y le pregunta al borracho:

“�No vio quien dobl� la esquina?”

Y le responde el borracho:

“Ah no s�, cuando yo llegu� ya estaba as�.”

What is a waterfall that goes upwards?…Viagrafalls

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis. “The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says.”Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!” says the pro.

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, ‘I don’t really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but I don’t see anything really bad either.”Tell you what,’ St. Peter says. ‘If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed you did in your life, I’ll let you in.’The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘OK, well there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of ’em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang members formed a circle around me.’So, I ripped the leader’s chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron,’ the guy says. ‘Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!’St. Peter, duly impressed, says ‘Wow! When did this happen?”Just a couple of minutes ago.’

Un d�a en que Jes�s y todos sus ap�stoles estaban reunidos en la mesa, y habiendo consumido los sagrados alimentos, sus disc�pulos advirtieron que Jes�s estaba muy triste y decidieron preguntarle la raz�n de su estado de �nimo, a lo que �l les respondi�:

“Hijos m�os, la verdad es que me duele saber que uno de ustedes me va a traicionar.”

Sin saber que decir, uno de los ap�stoles se atrevi� a preguntar:

“�Acaso ser� yo Se�or?”

“No hijo, respondi� Jes�s, no eres t�.”

Y as� siguieron preguntando de uno en uno.

Cuando le lleg� el turno a Judas, �ste, con una voz temblorosa, pregunt�:

“�Acaso ser� yo Se�or?”

A lo que Jes�s le contest�:

“�YO NO HABLO CON CULEROS, WEY!”

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.

It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.

The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, “Well, was the pig a male or a female?”

“A female, of course,” shouted Farmer Brown!. “What do you think I am…some sort of queer?”

La maestra le pregunta a los ni�os:

“A ver ni�os �qu� es la luz? Aj�, Pedrito dime.”

“Bueno, maestra la luz es una fuente de energ�a.”

“Muy bien. �Alguien m�s? S�, Pepito �qu� es la luz?”

“Bueno, maestra la LUZ SE COME.”

“�Se come? �C�mo es eso? Expl�cate.

“Bueno, maestra, la luz se come porque ayer o� a mi pap� dici�ndole a mi mam�:

“Apaga la luz que hoy te la comes todita.”

Un t�o llega a un Hotel, y le pregunta al recepcionista:

“�Tiene habitaciones libres?”.

“La �nica que me queda tiene que ser para un levantador de pesas.”

“�Por qu�?, responde el t�o.

“Porque tiene que sujetar con las manos la litera en la que duerme su compa�ero!”

There was this middle-aged couple playing golf The wife whacked the ball in the wrong direction and the ball went soaring into a nearby bungalow’s window The two ran to the bungalow and there they found a man with a turban on his head, sitting next to a broken vase They apologised for breaking the vase and the man in the turban said “You have done me a great favour – I am a genie and you have released me. For this you can both have one wish each” The wife wished to be a pro-golfer – the Genie said “In the morning you will be better than Tiger Woods” The husband wished for a Million dollars – the Genie said “In the morning you will be a Million dollars richer.” The Genie then said “But, in order for the wishes to come true, I will have to make love to your wife”. They decided (as being a pro-golfer and million dollars richer) it was a reasonable price to pay for the wish to come true.. The Genie took the wife to the room and started really screwing her with passion and speed. But suddenly, halfway through he stopped.”How old is your husband”, the genie asked the wife.”46″ the wife replied.”And he still believes in Genies…..??”

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.”That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “But what made you decide to be a minister?””Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

No Beating Around The BushGee Miss., I know I haven’t know you for a very long time, and I shouldn’t be asking this so soon. But, I really do need it very badly. I haven’t had any in a very long time. I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me, no one would ever need to know. I an sure you can satisfy my needs and I’d be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and really need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but, I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking all the juices out until it’s dry. It has been on my mind all day and, Well, I’m not going to beat around the bush no more… Can I have a piece of your gum?