Category: other

El iluso reci�n casado pregunta a su m�s que buen�sima mujer:

“Oye, mi reina adorada, �a�n conservas tu virginidad?”

“Claro que no, mi amor, �pero aqu� est� el estuchito en que ven�a!”

My answer to “What to do with Bin Laden?” Well, this sounds good to me. It
would be true poetic justice:
Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his
comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do
neither.
Let the Secret Service, Navy Seals, or whomever covertly capture him, fly him
to an undisclosed hospital, and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex
change operation.
Then we return “her” to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

There once was an Indian whose given name was “Onestone,” so named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!”

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day, a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone.”

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.”

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!!!

What is the moral of this story???

You can’t kill two birds with one stone!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

You’re so poor I went to your house and asked where the bathroom was and you said, ‘4th bottle to the left.’

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What else?”
The monkey motioned “kissing.”

“They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.”
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.

A man was invited to play at his friend’s course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved.

However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man’s anatomy protruding from around the tree.

“He’s certainly not my husband, I can tell, said the first lady, Disgusting”.

“I’m glad he’s not mine either,” said the second lady.

“It really is a damned cheek, said the third. That’s not even a club member!”

Two gay men were strolling arm-in-arm along the sidewalk when a really gorgeous blonde passed them by.

She was a stunning beauty with an absolutely perfect body.

One gay remarked to the other, “You know, there’s times when I almost wish I was a lesbian.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

A doctor called up a fellow and said, “Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.”

The guy says, “Yes, that’s right. Is there anything wrong?”

“Well,” the doctor replies, “here’s the thing. There’s another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife.

Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer’s.”

“Oh, my God,” the man said, “what will I do, doc?”

“Well, I’ve been giving this some thought,” said the doctor, “and here’s what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.

“Then what?” says the distraught man.

“Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DON’T FUCK HER!”

Un hombre llega a un bar con un pa�uelo negro por debajo de la mand�bula y atado en la cabeza; enseguida se le acerca un amigo:

“�Qu� te pasa?”

“�Que se ha muerto mi suegra!”

“�Y ah� llevas el luto?”

“�No, qu� va! es para no re�rme.”

What do you call a beautiful girl in Russia?
A tourist.

Q : What’s the difference between Malaysia & the US?

A : US’s got Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder; Malaysia’s got Mahathir, no cash, no hope and bloody wonder!

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen’s eggs for breakfast.One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, “In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg.”The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, “Now it’s my turn to punch you.”The Scotsman said, “Keep the lousy egg.”