Category: other

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.”Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the first candidate.”Yes. You have no ears.” He quickly eliminated the first candidate.”Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the second candidate.”Yes. You have no ears.” He quickly eliminated the second candidate.”Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the third candidate.”Yes. You’re wearing contacts.”Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, “That’s correct. How did you know?””You can’t wear glasses if you don’t have ears.”

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates
Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around
where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he’s in luck; there’s a pizza place that just opened,
and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he
goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, ”What the heck did you put on this pizza?”
The delivery man bows deeply and says, ”We put on the pizza what you ordered,
pepper only.”

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast when he got roped into testing chili:

“Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges and (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild!

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that ugly bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning

my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t

feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not

getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: (editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.

Un gringo presumido se hab�a tatuado en el pene el nombre de su novia. Cuando lo ten�a fl�cido se le�a ‘Wy’ y cuando estaba en erecci�n dec�a ‘Wendy’.

El gringo se fue una vez de vacaciones a Jamaica, y estando en un ba�o p�blico lleg� un negro y se puso a orinar al lado. El americano vio que el pene del jamaiquino dec�a ‘Wy’ y, entonces, por pura curiosidad, le pregunta:

“�Tu novia tambi�n se llama Wendy?”

El negro, molesto, contesta con un no rotundo. El gringo insiste:

“Yo me tat�e el nombre de mi novia en el pene, y cuando est� en reposo se ve ‘Wy’ como el tuyo”.

El negro le informa:

“No, en el m�o cuando est� erecto dice:

“Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day”.

What do a moped and a fat lady have in common?

They are both fun to drive, and you wouldn’t want your friends to see you
on one.

El tipo llega a su casa a las 18 horas, cansado, hecho pelota, y a las reputeadas. Le dice a su esposa que tiene una reuni�n a las diez de la noche, a la que no piensa ir. Que su jefe es un negrero explotador, que no tiene l�mites, que le parece un abuso que lo tenga diez horas laburando como un perro, y encima le pida que vuelva a las diez de la noche porque quiere invitar a cenar a no se que gerente de no se cual empresa.

La mujer, preocupada por su marido, lo convence de que el trabajo es importante, y de que vaya a esa reuni�n.

Entonces, el marido se va a pegar una ducha, y piensa en silencio lo f�cil que fue enga�arla.

La esposa – como toda mujer – cuando el tipo entra a la ducha, le revisa la billetera, el malet�n, los bolsillos de los pantalones y del saco, y le encuentra un papel que dice: “Mi amor: Te espero esta noche para comer el pavo con salsa blanca que tanto te gusta”.

La mujer coloca el papel donde lo hab�a encontrado, se saca toda la ropa, se pone apenas una bata, se pinta los ojos y los labios, se ba�a en perfume importado, y cuando el marido sale del ba�o, se encuentra a su mujer hecha una potra. El tipo se pone como loco, y sin perder un minuto de tiempo, le pega una cepillada de aquellas.

Cuando terminan, el tipo medio muerto, se queda dormido. A las 21.30 la mujer lo despierta, y le avisa que tiene media hora para vestirse y llegar la reuni�n.

El tipo se viste, y sale de raje a la casa de su amante.

Al llegar, todav�a cansado del polvo anterior, le dice a su amante que hab�a trabajado mucho y que solo tomar�a un ba�o y descansar�a un poco.

Al entrar el tipo al ba�o, la amante – como toda mujer – le revisa la billetera y los bolsillos de los pantalones y del saco, y encuentra un papel que dec�a:

“Ah� te mando el Pavo. La Salsa Blanca… qued� toda por ac�.”

Se encontraba Jes�s junto a Pedro caminando por las calles de Jerusalem… cuando repentinamente un grupo de ni�os comienza a lanzarle piedras al Salvador.

Pedro enfurecido por la accion de los ni�os grita:

“�Hijos de la grand�sima puta que se creen, muestren respeto al Hijo de nuestro se�or!

A lo que Jesus le dice con toda serenidad: “Pedro, dejad que los ni�os se acerquen a mi.”

“Pero, mi se�or, esto no puede ser as�.”

“Pedro, dejad que los ni�os se acerquen a mi… y cuando est�n bien cerca, los dos les sacamos la puta a los huevones estos…”

• “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
• “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
• “I was working smarter – not harder.”
• “Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
• “Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
• “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
• “I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
• “I was trying to remember where that difficult “Z” Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead.”
• “I’m in the management training program.”
• “I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
• “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
• “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
• “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
• “Uh, hey, whaddaya expect… the coffee machine is broken…”
• “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
• “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
• “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
• “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
• “I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”
• “The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”
• “Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)
Print it out and hang it over your work station…I dare ya!

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it
to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me
at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use
of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I
am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere
to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact,
save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your
life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to
know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay
so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have
been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m
not here for the money anyway.

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy’s products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support. 2. Both barf all over themselves regularly. 3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won’t help. 4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them. 5. At first release they’re relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year. 6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one. 7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation. 8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release. 9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work. 10. For at least the next year, they’ll suck.

Patrick O’Brien is knocking on the door of Maggie Sullivan. Maggie opens the door and Patrick says, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you Maggie, your husband John has just fallen into a vat of beer down at the brewery and has drowned.”

Maggie says, “I hope he went fast, did he?”

“Well not exactly, he came out three times to pee.”