Category: other

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going
on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, “Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is
good.”

Well, he thought for a moment and said “Maybe I had better send down a male
angel; to get both points of view.”

So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the male angel returned he went to God and told him “Yes, the Earth was
in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.”

God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and
encourage them a little, something to help them keep going.
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Do you know what that E-mail said?
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Oh! You didn’t get one either huh?

Q: Did you see the polish submarine with a screen door?

A: Dont laugh, it keeps the fish out.

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colurful curse. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

You know how when your driving somewere down south and you see all those bumber stickers that say” The south shall rise again”” ?
Well the south has no were to go but up!

“

The following is an candid interview with Ernie, the best friend, roommate, and confidant to Bert. Some portions of this interview deemed explicit by the editor have been cut out, but we need to warn you that others graphic parts remain. Reader’s discretion is advised.

Interviewer: How long have you known Bert?

Ernie: Oh, over 20 years now.

Interviewer: Have you always lived together?

Ernie: Yes, for as long as I remember.

Interviewer: How has it been living with him?

Ernie: It has been really difficult.

Interviewer: Difficult? Can you elaborate.

Ernie: Well you see… um.. Bert is kinda has a dual personality… during the show, he’s a pushover and very geeky. But when the camera stops rolling he becomes a raging maniac.

Interviewer: Maniac.. how do you mean?

Ernie: Well he hurts me and stuff.

Interviewer: Why do you still live with him then?

Ernie: He says if I leave the apartment he’ll kill me and Rubber Duckie.

Interviewer: He can possibly be serious?

Ernie: He is, he is very capable of this. Once, me and Duckie tried to escape… He almost strangled me to death.

Interviewer: Why does he force you to stay?

Ernie: I think he needs company, you know when he overdoses and stuff, also he likes to touch me. He…

——CUT——

Interviewer: Here, here, please stop crying. (pause) Are you okay now?

Ernie: (sniff) Yes, please continue.

Interviewer: You mentioned overdosing… overdosing on what?

Ernie: Bert experiments with all kinds of stuff, L.S.D., Speed, Ecstasy, Heroin, Cocaine, Cannabis… he taught me all the names… I hate him most when he is high.

Interviewer: Why?

Ernie: It’s when he’s high when he makes me do stuff.

Interviewer: What kind of stuff?

Ernie: He makes me go to the Pigeon shed and…

——CUT——

Interviewer: What??!!

Ernie: Please I can’t talk anymore… I gotta go.

The Interview ended abruptly with Ernie hysterically shaking and in tears. We pursued no longer, this soul was already in too much pain.

Yo’ mama so fat she has to walk on the street instead of hogging the sidewalk!

A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.”If only you would pray with Him, place your right hand in the air, and place your left hand on the afflicted area, the Almighty Lord will heal you.”So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says “Gee honey he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!”

A Russian couple were walking down a street in Moscow one night when the man
felt a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No that felt like snow to me, dear,” she replied.
“No I’m sure it was just rain,” he said. They were about to have a major
argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor
communist party official walking towards them.
“Let’s not fight about it,” the man said. “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether
its officially raining or snowing.” As the man approached the husband said:
“Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”
“It’s raining, of course” he replied and walked on. But the woman insisted.
“I know that felt like snow!”
To which the man quietly said, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Q. How do you know when Asians have moved into the neighborhood?

A. Mexicans start getting car insurance.

A teacher asks her class of 3rd graders to use the word “fascinate” in a
sentence. She calls on a small boy sitting in the front row.
“I saw an air show. And it was very fascinating.”
“Good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.'” She
then calls on a girl sitting off to the left.
“I saw some monkeys. They were very fascinating.”
“Good, but I wanted you to use the world ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.'”
Billy’s hand shoots up into the air and she calls on him.
“Teacher, teacher! I got one!”
“Go ahead, Billy.”
“My sister’s shirt has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only
fascinate.”

Un asm�tico sube con problemas 5 pisos, llama a la puerta y le abren.

“Doctor, tengo mucha asma, �qu� me recomienda?”

“F�cil: no fume, no beba, descanse y c�mprese unos lentes”.

“Y �que tienen que ver los lentes con el asma?”

“Son para que encuentre la casa del doctor, que est� abajo, yo soy alba�il”.

Era un m�dico que no trataba muy bien a sus pacientes, ya que los remedios que daba no eran muy buenos; un d�a Juan, Luis y Jorge traman un plan. El plan consist�a en decirle al doctor que sufr�an una enfermedad muy extra�a para que el doctor no pudiera dar ning�n remedio.

Ese d�a entr� primero Luis y el doctor le pregunt�:

“�Qu� le pasa a usted?”

“Pues es muy extra�o, si como ensalada cago la ensalada intacta; si como arroz tambi�n lo cago igualito que cuando me lo com�”.

“Pues coma mierda para que cague mierda”.

Y Luis se fue furioso; luego entr� Juan y dijo:

“Doctor, tengo un dolor de cabeza a veces s�, a veces no, a veces s�, a veces no”.

“Pues aqu� tiene estas pastillas, t�meselas a veces s�, a veces no, a veces s�, a veces no”.

Y Juan se fue furioso. Entr� Jorge y dijo:

“Doctor, tengo algo adentro que me sube y me baja”.

“Eso es un peo indeciso”.

“�C�mo es eso?”

“�Bueno, que con la cara de culo que tienes no halla si salir por abajo o por arriba!”