Category: other

Una ni�a campesina camina por la orilla del camino tirando de una hermosa vaquilla. Cuando pasa cerca del p�rroco, �ste la saluda:

“Hola, Teresita, �ad�nde vas con esa hermosa novilla?”

“La llevo para que la monte el toro”.

El cura, ruborizado y molesto, le reprende:

“Hija, eso deber�a hacerlo tu padre”.

La ni�a insiste: “No, tiene que ser el toro”.

There’s this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison …”

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good
fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered . . .

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4.Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…

9. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

10. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the
bathroom.

11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

12. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play
chess?

13. It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

14. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

15. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him scribbling furiously on a notepad.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn’t have to worry about writing a will.

He said, “Will, will,… WHAT WILL? I’m making a list of people I’m gonna bite!!”

Los pap�s de Pepito, al entrar a la rec�mara siempre cuentan hasta 10, que significa:

1- Se quita la ropa la se�ora.

2- Se quita la ropa el se�or.

3- Apagan la luz.

4- Se acuestan.

5- La penetra.

6- Lo saca.

7- Prenden la luz.

8- Se visten.

9- Se dan un beso.

10- Se salen del cuarto.

Pepito, al enterarse de esto, invita a una amiga a su casa; se meten a su cuarto, cierra la puerta, se quitan la ropa y dice:

5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6…

Why did they kick all of the midgets out of the nudist colony?

They kept getting in everyones hair.

How do you circumsize a redneck?
You kick his sister in the chin!

Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and
shouldn’t, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right”.

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: “Go! You might meet somebody!”

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her – believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, ‘Will this matter one year from now? How about one month?
One week? One day?’

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just
might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it’s not that important.

13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Tantilazing

There was an Irishman, a New Zealand man and an American man standing on the roof of a building, with an awning below them.

The American said to the Irishman: “I bet I could jump off this roof, land on the awning and bounce back off.” So he jumped off, hit the awning, and was soon back on the roof. “There. Now you try.” he said to the Irishman.

So the Irishman jumped off, and fell SPLAT on the ground.

The New Zealander said to the American : “Jeez, Superman, you are a real jerk sometimes!”

A man took his old duck to the Veterinarian, concerned because the duck wouldn’t eat. The Vet explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills, and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it’s food.”What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down, even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck’s nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it’ll drown.”The man goes about his business and about a week later the Vet runs into his patient.”Well, how is that duck of yours?” the Vet inquires.”He’s dead.” declared the heartbroken man.”I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn’t he?” insisted the Vet.”No.” lamented the man.”I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice.”

Q. What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?

You’d make a lovely corpse!

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

You’re a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits…huh?

Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?

You love nature in spite of what it did to you?

I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?

I wish I’d known you when you were alive.

If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner’s luck!

What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.

Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.

Every time I’m next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.

I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.

Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis