Category: other

40. Oh I just couldn’t. Hell, she’s only sixteen.
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30. Wrestling�s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
24. Whose Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the argali and radicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fianc�e, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
05. I don’t have a favorite college team.
04. be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I’m driving tonight.

Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads ‘Here Lies My Wife- Cold As Ever’.”

“Yeah” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband-Stiff At Last.'”

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection. Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.
“Doctor, this should not be possible,” he said, “I’m the Pope, and I’m celibate! I haven’t had one of these for 30 years!”

The doctor’s reply was, “Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time”.

The Pope exclaimed “But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isn’t going away!”

The doctor replied “You have two options … either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself.”

Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknown to him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away. The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up.

The paparazzo shouts out, “Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?”

Upon refection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying “Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world.”

Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, “But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, I’ll lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!”

The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. “Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?”

Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peter’s, with the offending camera around his neck. Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:

“Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope,” says the man, “how much you pay for it?”

“Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie,” he replies, “I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it.”

“Ah,” says the Japanese gentleman, “look like someone saw you coming!”

Sorry i shouldn’t be making fun of black people so much ya know, i have black in my family tree and all. Yep there still hanging there to this day

Un conejo est� corriendo por la jungla cuando ve a una jirafa que est� liando un churro de mota. El conejo se detiene y se dirige a la jirafa:

“Amiga jirafa, no te fumes eso. Mejor ven a correr conmigo… �Ya ver�s que sano es!”

La jirafa lo piensa y decide tirar el churro y se va detr�s del conejo sude y sude; corre y corre. Los dos est�n corriendo por la selva, cuando descubren a un elefante a punto de esnifarse una raya de coca. El conejo se acerca al elefante y le reprende:

“Amigo elefante, deja de meterte esa porquer�a y vente a correr con nosotros. �Ya ver�s que bien te vas a sentir!”

El elefante lo medita; tira su espejo con la raya y decide seguirlos. Est�n los tres corriendo como locos cuando, de pronto, se encuentran con un le�n que est� a punto de inyectarse una dosis de hero�na. El conejo se detiene y se arrima al le�n:

“Amigo le�n, deja el pico y ven a correr con nosotros. �Ya ver�s lo bueno que es!”

El le�n se aproxima al conejo y le pone una tremenda paliza que casi lo mata. Los otros animales, escandalizados, le reclaman:

“�Por qu� has hecho eso? �El conejito s�lo quiere ayudarnos!”

“�Es que este m�ndigo conejo me hace correr como loco cada vez que se toma una tacha!”

Milagroso san Alejo,
con gran devoci�n te pido
que me quites lo pendejo
porque esto me trae jodido.

Trabajo con la ilusi�n
de ser rico antes que viejo,
pero no falta alg�n cabr�n
que me chingue por pendejo.

Mi familia muy contenta
gasta un dineral en casa
y no me hab�a dado cuenta
que por pendejo me pasa.

Uso amuletos confieso,
me hice ‘limpias’, no me quejo,
es muy cierto que progreso,
pero s�lo en lo pendejo.

Que tan pendejo me siento,
que al dormir como una roca
si se me sale alg�n viento
me levanto a ver quien toca.

Esc�chame, san Alejo,
esta oraci�n milagrosa,
porque s� que el que es pendejo
ni siquiera de Dios goza.

T� bien sabes cu�nto lucho
por sanar de mis complejos
quiero triunfar como muchos
que nom�s se hacen pendejos

Ni crean que es milagrosa esta oraci�n…

La ignorancia si es curable, la pendejez es cr�nica.

1. Best imitation of the boss wins everything in the supply room contest.

2. Lock-jimmying contest, immediately followed by a charity raffle of
executive office furniture.

3. The battle begins for the coveted “Solitaire, Minesweeper, Tetris” Triple
Crown.

4. Use boss’ computer to send suggestive emails to the local chapter
of NOW.

5. Visit local nude beach for daily “staff” meeting.

6. A rousing game of “Pin the Secretary’s Tail on the Boss’ Desk.”

7. Staple that dweeb from accounting to the wall.

8. Take pictures of his favorite coffee cup in the toilet. Save for
resignation day.

9. Purchasing vs. Receiving: Let’s Get Ready to Rummmmbllllle!

10. Wagering on intern lip lock endurance matches in the file room.

11. “Performance reviews” given by a whimsical painted face on the shipping
clerk’s bare ass.

11. Convincing the boss’s daughter be your intern.

Tres amigos se mueren en un accidente. Llegan al cielo y ven una pared con un mont�n de relojes colgados. Los amigos extra�ados preguntan a San Pedro que son esos relojes y San Pedro responde: “A cada persona muerta le corresponde un reloj y �ste refleja el n�mero de masturbaciones al d�a en promedio de cada uno.”

Juan: “�Aqu� est� el m�o! Cinco vueltas.”

Antonio: “�El m�o est� all�! 10 vueltas.”

Manolo: “Oye San Pedro, no veo el mio.”

Y San Pedro contesta:

“�El tuyo lo hemos puesto en el techo de ventilador!”

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus

10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.

9. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have relations with the opposite sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.

6. When you have a beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer.

4. You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.

3. There are laws saying beer labels can’t lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a beer.

1. If you’ve devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One morning as he looked into the mirror to admire his body he noticed that he was suntanned all over, with one exception, his penis, which he really decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other old lady, “There really is no justice in the world!”

The other little old lady said, “What do you mean by that?”

The first old lady said, “Look at that.”
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild and I’m to old to squat.

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out
to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded
me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but
I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Adam?” comes the reply from the heavens.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
‘woman’ for you.”

“What’s a ‘woman,’ Lord?”

“This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent
that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be
so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to
make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.
She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will
be the perfect companion for you”, replies the heavenly voice.

“Sounds great.”

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?” Adam replies.

“She’ll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle.”

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, “Uh, what can I get for a
rib?”

The National Science Foundation announced the following study
results on corporate America recreation preferences:

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the
smaller your balls.