Un viejito llega a la panader�a y le dice a la joven que lo atiende:
“Che�orita me puede dar 500 piezas de pan.”
“Oiga se�or, pero eso es mucho pan para usted solo. Se le va poner duro.”
“De echo che trata mija.”
Category: other
�Cu�les son los tres animales
�Cu�les son los tres animales que le gustar�a tener a una mujer en su vida?
Un vis�n en el armario, un tigre en la cama y un jaguar en la puerta.
�Y cu�les son los que tiene?
Un zorro en el armario, un cerdo en la cama y un panda en la puerta.
Una se�ora decide darle una
Una se�ora decide darle una sorpresa a su marido y le espera en la cama a oscuras y con un tanga fosforescente min�sculo que apenas le tapa la raja.
Entra el marido en la habitaci�n y se pone a gritar:
“�Mar�a, Mar�a, tienes una luci�rnaga en el co�o!”
Estaban dos borrachines discutiendo:
Estaban dos borrachines discutiendo:
“Mira Jos�, te digo que se muri� el viernes”.
“�Ah! Te estoy diciendo que Jes�s se muri� el jueves”.
“�Oh! �Qu� no entiendes? Fue el viernes”.
Para salir de dudas, recurren a un tercer borracho:
“Oye Pablo, �cu�ndo fue que se muri� Jes�s, el jueves o el viernes?”
“Pos yo la verdad no s� si se muri� el jueves o el viernes, pero eso s�, el mi�rcoles amaneci� muy grave”.
Aging
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it “Closed for remodeling.” **caution – leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Va el le�n caminando por
Va el le�n caminando por la selva, cuando de pronto se encuentra con el burro el cual est� llorando y leyendo la biblia.
El le�n al verlo as� decide preguntarle:
“�Por qu� est�s llorando?”
Y el burro contesta:
“Mira, es que aqu� dice: Con la misma vara que mides te van a medir…”
Cheap HMO
Top Twenty Signs You’ve Joined A Cheap HMO
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an “unauthorized experimental procedure”
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of “War and Peace”
4. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
5. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You can get your flu shot as soon as “the” hypodermic needle is dry.
8. “Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?”
9. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
10. “Take two leeches and call me in the morning”
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on a celebrity’s doorstep.
14. Recycled bandages.
15. “Pre-natal vitamin” prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “take a left when you enter the trailer park”
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is “an apple a day.”
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
Frosty
Q: Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants?
A: He saw the snow blower coming!
Small Towns
The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what life’s like there. My hometown was so small…
- the clinic was called Joe’s Hospital and Grill
- long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy
- the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight
- in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened
- instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols
- you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter
- during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter
- the local Motel 6 sleeps six
- during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner
- the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages
- the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council, & street sweeper
- we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up
- the municipal water system’s pump was supplied by Water Pik
- before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home
- there was no town idiot — everybody had to take turns
Pope and Camera
One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection. Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.
“Doctor, this should not be possible,” he said, “I’m the Pope, and I’m celibate! I haven’t had one of these for 30 years!”
The doctor’s reply was, “Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time”.
The Pope exclaimed “But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isn’t going away!”
The doctor replied “You have two options … either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself.”
Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknown to him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away. The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up.
The paparazzo shouts out, “Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?”
Upon refection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying “Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world.”
Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, “But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, I’ll lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!”
The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. “Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?”
Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peter’s, with the offending camera around his neck. Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:
“Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope,” says the man, “how much you pay for it?”
“Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie,” he replies, “I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it.”
“Ah,” says the Japanese gentleman, “look like someone saw you coming!”
Black joke
Sorry i shouldn’t be making fun of black people so much ya know, i have black in my family tree and all. Yep there still hanging there to this day
Un conejo est� corriendo por
Un conejo est� corriendo por la jungla cuando ve a una jirafa que est� liando un churro de mota. El conejo se detiene y se dirige a la jirafa:
“Amiga jirafa, no te fumes eso. Mejor ven a correr conmigo… �Ya ver�s que sano es!”
La jirafa lo piensa y decide tirar el churro y se va detr�s del conejo sude y sude; corre y corre. Los dos est�n corriendo por la selva, cuando descubren a un elefante a punto de esnifarse una raya de coca. El conejo se acerca al elefante y le reprende:
“Amigo elefante, deja de meterte esa porquer�a y vente a correr con nosotros. �Ya ver�s que bien te vas a sentir!”
El elefante lo medita; tira su espejo con la raya y decide seguirlos. Est�n los tres corriendo como locos cuando, de pronto, se encuentran con un le�n que est� a punto de inyectarse una dosis de hero�na. El conejo se detiene y se arrima al le�n:
“Amigo le�n, deja el pico y ven a correr con nosotros. �Ya ver�s lo bueno que es!”
El le�n se aproxima al conejo y le pone una tremenda paliza que casi lo mata. Los otros animales, escandalizados, le reclaman:
“�Por qu� has hecho eso? �El conejito s�lo quiere ayudarnos!”
“�Es que este m�ndigo conejo me hace correr como loco cada vez que se toma una tacha!”