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Mickey’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
“Hey, wait a minute!” Mickey interrupted.
“I haven’t added them up yet.”
One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist.”I am the pharmacist,” she informed him.”Oh, in that case forget it,” he replied and started to leave.”Young man,” the lady said to him, “my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven’t heard, so what is your problem?””Well,” the young man said reluctantly, “I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won’t go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?””I’ll have to go in the back and talk to my sister,” she informed him.About ten minutes later she came back.”Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $100 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy.”
A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high, voice,
“Could you please take me to Times Square?”
In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, “Hey siesta,
that�s kind a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?”
The nun says, “Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?”
The cabbie, “About dish celibacy thing, are you telling me you never think
about done’ it?”
The nun, “Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or
two. I am of weak human flesh you understand.”
The cabbie, “Well, would a ever consider, you know, don�t?”
The nun, “Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique
circumstance, I might consider it.”
The cabbie, “Well what would dose conditions happen to be?”
The nun, “Well he’d have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he
could d have no children.”
The cabbie, “Well, siesta, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why do you
se come on up here…I won’t even make you really break your vows. All you got
at do is go down on me.”
The nun looks around…they are awfully far away from where anyone would
recognize her…at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By
the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie
is milling from ear to ear.
As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh.
The nun inquires, �Why, my son, what is so humorous?”
The cabbie sneers, “Siesta, I got yaw, I’m Protestant, I’m married, and I got
four kids.
And from the back of the cab comes the nun’s low voiced response, “Yeah, well
m y name’s Dave and I’m on my way to a costume party.”
Morris, a 90-year-old man, lives in a retirement home and gets a weekend pass.
He stops at his favorite bar and orders a drink.
He notices a 70-year-old woman at the other end of the
bar and he tells the bartender to buy the lovely lady a drink.
As the evening progresses, Morris joins the lady and they eventually go to her apartment, where they get it on.
Two days later, the old man notices he is developing a “drip,” and he heads for the rest-home doctor.
After careful examination, the doctor asks the old man if he has engaged in sex recently.
The old man says, “Sure did!”
The doctor then asks if he could remember who the woman is and where she lives.
“Yes, but why?”
“Well you�d better get over there . . . you�re about to come.”
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Tantilazing
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”
The other cow replies, “Hell, I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”
On a winter day two ministers were driving down a road when they slid on a
patch of ice, hit a telephone pole and died.
They went to heaven but when they got to the pearly gates St. Peter told
them their heavenly condos were not ready yet. The two would have to spend a
little more time on earth. To make up for the Inconvenience, they would be
able to choose what they wanted to go back as.
The first declared that he wanted to go back as an eagle flying over
the grand canyon. The second declared that he wanted to be a “cool stud”.
A few months later, the heavenly condos were ready. St. Peter asked
an assistant to go retrieve the two.
The servant protested “But how will I find them?”
“That’s easy.” said St. Peter, “One of them is an eagle, and you will find him
flying over the Grand Canyon. The other is a snow tire in Detroit.”
what is similar between a black girl and a taxie
they have a realy big back seat
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the pilot and Gerry the co-pilot.
As they approached Dublin Airport, they looked out of the front window.
‘By Jesus,’ said Paddy, ‘will you look at how fookin short that runway is.’
‘Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy,’ replied Gerry.
‘This is going to be one of the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see,’ said Paddy.
‘Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy,’ replied Gerry.
‘Roit Gerry, when I give the signal, you put to engines in reverse,’ said Paddy.
‘Roit, I’ll be doing dat,’ replied Gerry.
‘And den you put the flaps down straight away,’ said Paddy.
‘Roit, I’ll be doing dat,’ replied Gerry.
‘And den you stamp on tern brakes as hard as you can,’ said Paddy.
‘Roit, I’ll be doing dat,’ replied Gerry.
‘And den you pray to Mother Mary with alla you soul,’ said Paddy.
‘Roit, I’ll be doing dat,’ replied Gerry.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms.
As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, rammed the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amid roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt 2 cm from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry, ‘Dat has gotta be to shortest fookin runway I have ever seen in my whole life.’
Gerry looked out the side window and replied, ‘Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too.’
Dear GodSo far today God,I’ve done all right I have not Gossiped, Have not lost my temper, Have not been Greedy, Grumpy , Nasty, Selfish or Over-Indulgent. I am really glad about that,BUT,In a few minutes God, I am going to get out of bed, And from then on I’m probably going to need A LOT MORE HELP!Thank You
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?””I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.””I don’t mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?””Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
Yo’ mama so fat she went on an airplane and turned it into a boat.
Va el le�n caminando por la selva, cuando de pronto se encuentra con el burro el cual est� llorando y leyendo la biblia.
El le�n al verlo as� decide preguntarle:
“�Por qu� est�s llorando?”
Y el burro contesta:
“Mira, es que aqu� dice: Con la misma vara que mides te van a medir…”