Category: other

Things that bother me a little…

When people say, “Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it
too.” Whatthafuck good is a goddam cake you can’t eat? What,
should I just let my fuckin cake sit there, and look and look
and look, and try to find someone else who has cake, and eat
their fucking cake instead? Fuck off.

When people say, “It’s always in the last place you look”. What
the fuck??? Of course it fucking is. Whythefuck would you keep
looking after you’ve already fucking found it? Whothafuck are
these people?

When people interupt you while you’re watching a movie, and say:
“Did you see that???!!!” No, dickhead, I pay $8fuckin50 to come
to the fuckin theatre to stare at the back of the fucker’s head
in front of me. Whatthafuck do YOU come here for?

People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give
me fuckin choice there, did ya, ya sorry fuck. Hey, do you mind
if I shoot you in the fuckin head? Ooops, sorry…

People who POINT at their wrist and ask, “Do you know the time?”
Hey, I KNOW where I wear MY fuckin watch buddy, where the fuck
do you wear yours? Up your fuckin ass, maybe? Should I point at
my fuckin crotch when I ask you where the bathroom is? Or maybe
I should just pull out my fuckin dick, and piss on your fuckin
leg, you mother fucker.

A cardiac specialist died.

At his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers.

When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”

“I was thinking about my own funeral,” the man replied.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“I’m a gynecologist.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions — age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex. ‘Oh,’ he mused, ‘It was 1945.’ ‘Isn’t that a long time to go without sex?’ the doctor asked.’I don’t think so. According to your clock it’s only 21:13.’

Why don’t Polish people kill frogs?

Because it’s their national bird.

Manolo es atropellado; mientras se encontraba en el suelo, decia con grandes gemidos:

“Incl�nenme, incl�nenme!” Y repet�a esta misma frase durante varios minutos.

Como es de suponer la gente le pon�a de un lado y luego del otro y Manolo segu�a:

“�Incl�nenme, incl�nenme!”

Por suerte su amigo Venancio pasa por ah� y le escucha. Entonces les dice a todos los que trataban de ayudarlo:

“�Ignorantes!… �qu� no ven que el pobre est� pidiendo que le internen en una cl�nica?”

Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex?

She can’t stand it to see her husband enjoy himself.

Yo Mamas so fat

Yo mamas so fat that the only thing keeping her from weightwatchers is the door.

Your mamas so fat that people mistaked her for the iceberg that sunk the titanic.

Your mamas so fat that when she goes to India instead of her riding the elephants the elephants ride her.

Your mamas so fat that when she hopped in the back of a car it flipped up and looked like it was doing wheelies.

Your mamas so fat that when she got crucified she crucified the wood.

Your mamas so fat that when she walks through the desert everywheres quicksand to her.

Your mamas so fat that when she said Im so hungry I could eat a horse, she wasnt lying.

Your mamas so fat that when she wanted to get baptized she had to get baptized in the pacific ocean.

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that
said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash. “Do you think,” said one clergy
to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”

Una mujer en el 25� aniversario de su matrimonio, cincuentona ella, con las carnes algo ca�das, pero con mucha ilusi�n, se viste de lencer�a fina, con medias, ligas y tacones de aguja incluidos, entra insinuante en la habitaci�n y se planta frente a su marido que est� tirado mirando la tele:

“Cari�o -dice la mujer- �te acord�s cuando nos casamos, un d�a como hoy,hace 25 a�os? Me dijiste: Te voy a comer los pechos hasta sec�rtelos. Te voy a tocar el culo hasta que se te caiga. Te voy a hacer el amor hasta que te vuelvas loca. �Y hoy no ten�s nada que decirme?”

El marido la mira de arriba a abajo y le dice:

“�Misi�n cumplida!”

Hab�a una ves un negro que todos los d�as ven�a a una estatua de San Marcos en la iglesia y siempre dec�a: “Est� cabr�n, est� cabr�n”.

Hasta que un d�a un padre vino y le pregunt� que porqu� siempre dec�a eso. El negro le contesto:

“Mire padre, yo soy negro, mi mam� es negra, mi esposa es negra, pero mis hijos son g�eros”.

El padre le respondi�:

“No, pos entonces s� est� cabr�n.”

You might be a redneck if you study for a blood test.

This woman has spent her whole adult life wanting a larger bust, but she just can not afford a boob job. She goes to see a new Doctor in town named Dr. Bob. He tells her that she really doesn’t need plastic surgery, that he has a sure fire way to help enlarge her chest. He tells her to rub her chest every day and say the following “Scooby Dooby Dooby, I want bigger boobies”. She thinks that this is stupid idea, but decides to try it anyway.After one week of repeating the poem and rubbing her chest she notices a definite increase in her bustline. She is thrilled! On the bus one morning heading to work, she remembers that she didn’t do her morning ritual of rubbing and reciting. She looks around the bus and nobody seems to paying her any attention so she starts to rub her chest and recite the poem.”Scooby Dooby Dooby, I want bigger boobies”. A man starts chuckling from the seat behind her. She turns to ask “what’s so funny?”He says “Dr. Bob, hmm?” She says “how do you know?” He says “Hickory Dickory Dock……!”