Category: other

Existen 13 pruebas de que Jes�s podr�a haber sido mexicano:

1.- Fue condenado mientras que el verdadero ladr�n fue perdonado
2.- Cuando lo encontraron muerto estaba en pa�os menores
3.- Sus familiares fueron a visitar su tumba y ya no estaba
4.- Estaba rodeado de pobres y cada d�a eran m�s
5.- No pagaba impuestos
6.- Era bueno con las prostitutas
7.- En la �ltima cena con sus amigos no pag� la cuenta
8.- Hizo aparecer m�s alcohol en una reuni�n donde s�lo hab�a agua
9.- Siempre ten�a una explicaci�n para todo
10.- Nunca ten�a un peso en el bolsillo
11.- Fue secuestrado por la polic�a
12.- Fue incomunicado y torturado para que se confesara culpable
13.- Un miembro de su banda lo delat� y otro neg� conocerlo

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in.

“Follow me.” he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter’s keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn’t resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Peter was furious.

“If you do that again, you’ll go straight to hell! Follow me, we’re almost there.”

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance. Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of
blankets freezing his ass off.

“Why is it so cold down here?” Peter asks.

“Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!” Satan replied.

Un tipo hambriento entra a un restaurante; se sienta en una mesa sucia y ordena:

“Ea, mesero, venga aqu� por favor.”

Pero nadie le hace caso.

Insiste:

“Oiga, mesero, venga por favor”

Nuevamente, nadie le hace caso.

Mientras espera, mira hacia la mesa y ve a 15 hormigas ‘punk’ en motos, armadas con bates, cadenas, navajas y l�tigos persiguiendo a una sola. La hormiga solitaria vest�a chamarra negra, pantal�n de cuero, botas negras y conduc�a una motocicleta plateada.

El hombre, asombrado, observa como el grupo de 15 hormigas intenta atrapa a la hormiga solitaria, cuando, de pronto, la hormiga solitaria da un giro de 180 grados en su veh�culo, saca un l�tigo y de un s�lo golpe tumba a 6 hormigas; se da la vuelta y sigue su camino.

“Las cosas se est�n poniendo buen�simas”, pens� el tipo. Hasta el apetito se le hab�a quitado.

La persecuci�n continuaba, y todas iban a la m�xima velocidad esquivando vasos y platos, de improviso, la solitaria saca del bolsillo una bomba de humo; enciende la mecha y la arroja hacia la pandilla. El humo se expandi� r�pidamente haciendo que las perseguidoras tuvieran poca visibilidad y dos hormigas m�s cayeron al suelo. Ahora �nicamente quedaban 7.

Varias hormigas le arrojaban navajas tratando de agujerear las llantas. Pero la hormiga era sorprendente y se mov�a de lado a lado. Col�rica, la hormiga jefe, una enorme roja, bien fortachona, saca una cadena larga y le pega un latigazo en el brazo a la solitaria. �sta perdi� el equilibrio y se estrell� contra un grano de arroz; r�pidamente la hormiga se levant� y se subi� a la moto, pero cuando levant� la mirada estaba rodeada. Las 7 hormigas punk, irritadas, sacaron sus armas; empiezan a acelerar sin avanzar, la otra hace lo mismo. Entonces las punk aceleran a toda velocidad con las armas al frente, la solitaria saca una cadena y de pronto…

Llega el mesero y limpiando la mesa dice:

“�Qu� le sirvo, se�or?”

(Attention: this must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I
tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. she brings me only one piss. I tella
her I want two piss. she says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna
two piss onna my plate. she says you better not piss on plate you sonna ma
bitch. later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. the waitress brings me a spoon
and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. she tells me everyone does. I
tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. she say better not fock
on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she call me a sonna
ma bitch. so I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the
manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. he tella me go to the toilet. I say you
no understand, I wanna s*** on my bed. he says you better not piss on bed you
sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go
to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ”peace unto you” I say ”piss
unto you too Ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy”

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn’t want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, “What shall I do?”A voice came back from the heavens saying, “Repaint, and thin no more!”

Un hombre llega corriendo a su casa, azota la puerta y grita:

“�Amor, empaca tus cosas! �Gan� la loter�a!”

“�Guau! �Fant�stico! �Debo empacar para ir a la playa o para ir a las monta�as?”

“�No me importa a donde, con tal que te vayas de aqu�!”, responde el hombre.

El fumar mata, y si te mueres has perdido una parte muy importante de tu vida.

(Brooke Shields, entrevista para una campa�a federal antitabaco, 1998)

Pregunta: Si usted pudiera vivir para siempre, �lo har�a, y por qu�?
Respuesta: Yo no vivir�a para siempre porque no deber�amos vivir para siempre, porque si se supusiera que debi�ramos vivir para siempre, entonces vivir�amos para siempre, pero no podemos vivir para siempre, que es por lo cual yo no vivir�a para siempre.

(Miss Alabama en el concurso Miss Estados Unidos 1994)

Yo nunca he fumado marihuana porque eso da celulitis.

(Natalia Paris, top model colombiana, marzo 1999)

Siempre que veo la tele y veo esos pobres ni�os hambrientos en todo el mundo, no puedo evitar llorar. Quiero decir, me encantar�a ser as� de flaquita, pero no con todas esas moscas y muerte y esas cosas…

(Mariah Carey, cantante pop, 1999)

Esa rastrera sinverg�enza merece ser matada a patadas por un asno… �Y yo soy justo la indicada para hacerlo!

(Claudia Shiffer sobre Naomi Campbell, 1998)

No he cometido ning�n delito, lo que hice fue no cumplir con la ley.

(Jennifer L�pez al ser detenida junto con Puff Daddy, 2000)

No es la contaminaci�n la que esta da�ando el ambiente, son las impurezas en nuestro aire y en nuestra agua las que lo est�n haciendo.

(Pamela Anderson Lee, febrero 2000)

Pregunta: �A qu� personaje le gustar�a conocer?
Respuesta: Definitivamente me gustar�a conocer a Lady Di… Afortunadamente ya se muri�.

(Miss Cauca en el concurso Miss Colombia 2000)

Un periodista a Carolina Z��iga, candidata a Miss Chile 2000.
Pregunta: Si hubiese un holocausto nuclear, �qu� pareja elegir�a Ud. en todo el mundo (hombre y mujer) para preservar y multiplicar la especie humana?
Respuesta: Al Papa y a la Madre Teresa de Calcuta.

Mother Superior: “Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you’re accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?”

Sister Maria: “I would lift my habit, Mother Superior.”

Mother Superior (shocked): “And what would you do next?”

Sister Maria: “I would tell him to drop his pants.”

Mother Superior: (even more shocked) “And what then?”

Sister Maria: “I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he can with his pants down!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin?
Well the bandit hit the yoyo with club, tied him with a blue ribbon and got away in a taxi…

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before.

“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Mike, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry.” Joe says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned.

If you don’t, just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl’s door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.

He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”

Hard to live with a nurse!

1) When you forget to flush the toilet, you get a complete analysis with a plan on how to correct any noted problems.

2) Thanksgiving dinner comes in pre-cut small pieces because she doesn’t want to have to perform the Heimlich maneuver and be reminded of work on the only holiday she’s had off in years.

3) You’ve been awakened from a dead sleep in the middle of the night to find her shaking you because your breathing patterns were a little too close to a Cheyne-Stokes rhythm.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Things that bother me a little…

When people say, “Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it
too.” Whatthafuck good is a goddam cake you can’t eat? What,
should I just let my fuckin cake sit there, and look and look
and look, and try to find someone else who has cake, and eat
their fucking cake instead? Fuck off.

When people say, “It’s always in the last place you look”. What
the fuck??? Of course it fucking is. Whythefuck would you keep
looking after you’ve already fucking found it? Whothafuck are
these people?

When people interupt you while you’re watching a movie, and say:
“Did you see that???!!!” No, dickhead, I pay $8fuckin50 to come
to the fuckin theatre to stare at the back of the fucker’s head
in front of me. Whatthafuck do YOU come here for?

People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give
me fuckin choice there, did ya, ya sorry fuck. Hey, do you mind
if I shoot you in the fuckin head? Ooops, sorry…

People who POINT at their wrist and ask, “Do you know the time?”
Hey, I KNOW where I wear MY fuckin watch buddy, where the fuck
do you wear yours? Up your fuckin ass, maybe? Should I point at
my fuckin crotch when I ask you where the bathroom is? Or maybe
I should just pull out my fuckin dick, and piss on your fuckin
leg, you mother fucker.