Category: other

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry
across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window.

The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel says to the man says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”

What do you call a black lady with braces?

– A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker

How many Irish blokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2: One to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink until the
room spins.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None ‘o yo’ freakin’ bitness!

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don’t last as long as light bulbs.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say “Fabulous.’

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Twelve. Ya got a problem with dat?”

You Know You’re From California When…

1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway

2. Your were born somewhere else

3. You know how to eat an artichoke

4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic

5. Your car has bulletproof windows

6. Left is right and right is wrong

7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income

8. Your mouse has only one ball

9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up

10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by

11. You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it

12. You drive to your neighborhood block party

13. Your family tree contains “significant others”

14. Your dog has it’s own psychiatrist

15. You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them!

16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance

17. More than clothes come out of the closets

18. “The Dead” are best live

19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach

20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse

21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers

22. Smoking in your office is not optional

23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach

24. When you can’t meet schedule because you must “do lunch”

25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks

26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news

27. You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman

28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day

29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery

30. When all highways into the state say: “No fruits”

31. All highways out of the state say: “Go back”

I’m not too sure about the accountant I hired to do my taxes.

After he finished filling out my tax return, he wiped his fingerprints off the pen.

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences:

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Mafalda creci�, y un d�a le lleg� la primera menstruaci�n, mientras estaba sola. Corri� a la casa de Susanita, y no estaba. Fue a la de Libertad, pero tampoco estaba. Entonces fue a ver a la mam� de Felipito, la cual tampoco estaba. Felipito, al verla tan turbada, le pide que le cuente y le dice:

“Mafalda, yo s� un mont�n de mujeres, he le�do mucho y todo…”

Mafalda lo piensa un instante y decide levantarse el vestido y mostrarle la bombachita con sanbre, a lo que Felipito exclam�:

“�Ay, Mafalda… te cortaron las bolas!”

El Banco Nacional de Tontilandia incorpor� como novedad a partir del 1/3/2001 un cajero autom�tico del tipo ‘Drive Thru’, para servirse desde el auto. Los clientes tienen ahora la posibilidad de extraer dinero sin dejar el auto.

Para poder aprovechar todas las ventajas de estas instalaciones, se ruega tener en cuenta las siguientes indicaciones:

CLIENTES NO NACIDOS EN TONTILANDIA

1 – Conduzca hasta el cajero autom�tico.
2 – Baje la ventanilla.
3 – Introduzca su tarjeta y n�mero de PIN.
4 – Seleccione el importe deseado.
5 – Retire el dinero.
6 – Retire su tarjeta y recibo.
7 – Cierre su ventanilla.
8 – Ret�rese.

CLIENTES TONTILANDESES

1 – Conduzca hasta el cajero autom�tico.
2 – Encienda el motor que se le apag�.
3 – Retroceda hasta el cajero autom�tico.
4 – Baje la ventanilla.
5 – Tome su chaqueta; vac�ela sobre el asiento del acompa�ante y busque su tarjeta.
6 – Intente introducir su tarjeta en el cajero autom�tico.
7- Abra la puerta del auto para alcanzar mejor el cajero autom�tico.
8 – Introduzca la tarjeta.
9 – Retire la tarjeta e introd�zcala nuevamente pero del otro lado.
10 – Tome su chaqueta y busque su agenda.
11 – Busque en la primera p�gina donde anota su n�mero de PIN.
12 – Introduzca su numero de PIN.
13 – Presione ‘Cancel’ e introduzca nuevamente su n�mero de PIN correcto.
14 – Seleccione el importe deseado.
15 – Retire el dinero y el recibo.
16 – Vac�e de nuevo su chaqueta; busque su billetera y guarde el dinero.
17 – Guarde el comprobante en alg�n lugar de la chaqueta.
18 – Conduzca dos metros hacia delante.
19 – Pare y retroceda hasta el cajero autom�tico.
20 – Retire su tarjeta.
21 – Vac�e nuevamente su chaqueta y coloque la tarjeta en el lugar correspondiente.
22 – Encienda el motor que se le apag�.
23 – Conduzca unos 3 � 4 Km.
24 – Pare y libere el freno de mano.
25 – Adem�s, apague las escobillas porque le est�n rayando el parabrisas.
26 – Puede seguir su viaje.

The old lady begins, “Your honor, I am 86 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor. So I don’t stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor. Why, Your Honor, I haven’t felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!” That’s when he Yelled, “April Fool” and that’s when I shot the Son of a Bitch!”

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.”Jesus is gonna get you.” The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.”Jesus is gonna get you.” The robber started to get a little worried.”What’s your name, birdie?” “Moses.” “What dumbass named you Moses?” “The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus.”