Category: other

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
(of someone else who happens to be around).

Here are some useless facts that you may enjoy…

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
Building is an American flag.
Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened
Canada is an Indian word meaning “Big Village”.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
The word ‘byte’ is a contraction of ‘by eight.’

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?

Three nuns die and go to heaven. When they reach the gates of heaven ST. Peter tells them that they have to answer a question to enter. Then he asks them which one wants to go first. The oldest of the three say I will go fisrt and set an example for the other two. So St Peter asks her “Who was the first man on Earth?”. She says thats easy Adam was the first man on Earth. Lights flash, horns blow, bells ring, and the gates of heaven open wide and the nun enters. Well the second nun steps up and says I guess I will go next. St Peter asks her “Who was the first woman on Earth?” She answers thats easy Eve was the first woman on Earth. Lights flash, horns blow, bells ring and the gates of heaven open up and that nun enters. The last nun steps up and says I guess it is my turn now. St Peter then asks her “What were the first words Eve said to Adam?”. The nun thinks and thinks and she cant come up with what Evesaid to Adam first so she looks at St Peter and says “Thats hard”. Lights flash, horns blow bells ring and the gates of heaven open up.

Entra un tipo a la sala del doctor y dice: “Doctor, tengo sida �qu� puedo hacer?”

El doctor se queda pensativo y le dice: “C�mete un kilo de naranjas por la manana otro kilo de naranjas por la tarde y otro kilo de naranja por la noche.”

“Pero doctor, eso me va a mandar al ba�o todo el d�a.”

Y el doctor dice:

“�Eso es para que aprendas para qu� sirve el culo!”

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

President Clinton: No problem.

Pope: Well, I’m really excited about going to heaven.

President Clinton: Why’s that?

Pope: All my life I’ve wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

President Clinton: You’re a day late

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.” “I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”

Now, at long last some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her ageing gracefully.

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, and then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do”

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.

10. Single Mother Barbie. There’s not much time for primping anymore! Ken’s shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie’s across town with Babs and Ken, Jr, in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie’s selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

11. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

12. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Babs wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, “Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self.”

A man was talking to the Lord about women. “Lord why did you make women so
beautiful?”

The answer came, “So you would look at them.”

Again the man asked, “Lord why did you make women so lovely?”

The reply came down, “So you would love them.”

The man asked one more question. “Lord, why did you make women so dumb?”

The Lord said, “So they would love you.”

Dos ancianos a�oraban casarse, as� que se dirigieron al cura m�s cercano. Cuando llegaron el cura les pregunt�, “�en qu� les puedo ayudar?”

El anciano le responde: “�Deseamos casarnos!”

Comienzan una peque�a charla, ya que el cura no los quiere casar, debido a que por su avanzada edad si sosten�an relaciones continuamente uno de los dos pod�a morir. Al final llegan a un arreglo y deciden que �nicamente pueden hacer el amor cada quince d�as.

Durante un largo tiempo los ancianos cumplen con este requisito, cuando en una noche
la anciana se dirige muy cautelosamente hacia la habitaci�n del anciano. Cuando el anciano se da cuenta de la presencia de su esposa le dice:

“MIJA, acu�rdese del compromiso que hicimos con el cura de solamente hacer el amor cada quince d�as, y recuerde que apenas ayer fue el d�a.”

Y la venerable anciana le contesta:

“�MIJO, ES QUE YO VENGO A VER SI ME ADELANTA UNA QUINCENITA!”

Priests should really be allowed to marry.

Until then, they’ll never know what HELL is really like.

What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone? A golden receiver!