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Estaban dos homosexuales, Marcelo y Camilo, al lado de una piscina. Entonces se ponen su traje de ba�o para meterse a la piscina y Marcelo le dice a Camilo:
“Cami, t�rate tu primero a la piscina y me dices como est� el agua.”
Camilo, haci�ndole caso a Marcelo, se tira a la piscina. Cuando sale del agua, Marcelo le pregunta:
“Cami, �c�mo est� el agua?”
“�Esta la verga!”
Y Marcelo, entusiasmado le grita:
“�Ay, entonces me tiro de culo!”
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, Jim, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as
well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord-Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness-Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination-Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Jim.
Unos abuelos se quedan unos d�as con sus dos nietos adolescentes y, como s�lo disponen de dos camas, deciden que la chica duerma con la abuela y el chico con el abuelo. De madrugada se oye al abuelo gritar muy contento:
“�Quiero una mujer! �Quiero una mujer!”
La abuela se levanta para ver que ocurre; al entrar en la habitaci�n, su nieto le solicita:
“�Por favor, abuela, dile que lo que tiene en la mano, no es de �l!”
A: Cuatro Sink-o
The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
[Another quarter inch doesn’t impress most women.]
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.
[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]
The condom – made originally of linen – was invented in the early 1500s.
[That same year men began asking, “Put that on my WHAT?”]
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.
[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]
Watch out for flying hockey pucks – they travel at up to 100 mph.
[Stand clear or you’ll get pucked.]
America’s first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
[3 very lonely men.]
98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]
When he’s feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female’s nose with his teeth.
[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]
In 1681, the last dodo bird died.
[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn’t give her coffee.
[It’s known as the Sanka clause.]
The Neanderthal’s brain was bigger than yours is.
[But he couldn’t surf the Internet.]
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]
Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
[And if you connect them, they spell ‘Dummy’.]
What color was Christopher Columbus’s hair? Blonde.
[He was lost and wouldn’t ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]
In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones – Bhutan.
[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]
The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.
[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]
Every person has a unique tongue print.
[But would you want someone to ink yours?]
Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
[Even if you don’t inhale.]
Women’s hearts beat faster than men’s.
[Even after death.]
When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]
Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]
Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant “plenty of excrement.”
[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaugh’s nickname. ]
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
[His parents never bought him a night light.]
Bubble gum contains rubber.
[But should not be used as a condom.]
You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]
In high school, Robin Williams was voted “Least Likely to Succeed.”
[And most likely to grab himself.]
Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
[74% think Madonna is.]
The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.
[I may never eat Jell-o again!]
The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.
[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]
Even if you cut off a cockroach’s head, it can live for several weeks.
[But it will hold a grudge much longer.]
Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
[Remember, when you’re sick, Mother knows best.]
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
[And we all know what the F represents.]
The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.
[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]
Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]
In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.
[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]
About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]
Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in ‘Some Like It Hot’.
[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]
Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
[Which explains why your teeth don’t freeze in winter.]
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]
Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.
[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]
Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
[What is the advantage of a bird that’s been dropped?]
There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
[Even though most fish don’t wear lipstick.]
Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
[Who volunteers to confirm this?]
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]
The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
[Well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.]
When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
[The same is true for people.]
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn’t gotten a single person to stop.
Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, “and your not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass”
“Doctor Doctor I ate a pack of cards!”
Doctor:”I’ll deal with you later.”
A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So
he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping for
an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the
party.
Since her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing
with every nice chick he could. His wife sidled up to him and being a
rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his
time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never
even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill
and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had
a real good time!”
Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window.”This house is yours for eternity, Bobby,” said God.”This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.”Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo.Bobby looked at God and said “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. Sowhy does Gene Keady get a better house than me?”God chuckled, and said “Bobby, that’s not Gene Keady’s house, it’s mine!”
You don’t know Jack Schitt!
When someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt”, well, now you’ll know the entire story.
Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.
Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they produced six children.
Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their last child was a son, Bull.
As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Deep Schitt’s twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hawse Schitt.
Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child, Baby Schitt.
So the next time someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” you can say “Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but the whole damn family as well!”
“�Qu� har�as si sorprendes a t� mujer con otro hombre en tu cama?”
“�Lo primero que har�a es tirar al perro por la ventana y meterle el bast�n al tipo por el culo!”
“Pero, �cu�l perro y cu�l bast�n?”
“Es que el que se quiera acostar con mi mujer… �Tiene que estar ciego!”
Yo Mama’so fat she was on Jerry Springer and Ricky Lake at the same time.