The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
[Another quarter inch doesn’t impress most women.]
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.
[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]
The condom – made originally of linen – was invented in the early 1500s.
[That same year men began asking, “Put that on my WHAT?”]
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.
[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]
Watch out for flying hockey pucks – they travel at up to 100 mph.
[Stand clear or you’ll get pucked.]
America’s first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
[3 very lonely men.]
98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]
When he’s feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female’s nose with his teeth.
[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]
In 1681, the last dodo bird died.
[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn’t give her coffee.
[It’s known as the Sanka clause.]
The Neanderthal’s brain was bigger than yours is.
[But he couldn’t surf the Internet.]
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]
Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
[And if you connect them, they spell ‘Dummy’.]
What color was Christopher Columbus’s hair? Blonde.
[He was lost and wouldn’t ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]
In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones – Bhutan.
[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]
The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.
[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]
Every person has a unique tongue print.
[But would you want someone to ink yours?]
Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
[Even if you don’t inhale.]
Women’s hearts beat faster than men’s.
[Even after death.]
When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]
Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]
Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant “plenty of excrement.”
[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaugh’s nickname. ]
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
[His parents never bought him a night light.]
Bubble gum contains rubber.
[But should not be used as a condom.]
You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]
In high school, Robin Williams was voted “Least Likely to Succeed.”
[And most likely to grab himself.]
Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
[74% think Madonna is.]
The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.
[I may never eat Jell-o again!]
The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.
[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]
Even if you cut off a cockroach’s head, it can live for several weeks.
[But it will hold a grudge much longer.]
Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
[Remember, when you’re sick, Mother knows best.]
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
[And we all know what the F represents.]
The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.
[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]
Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]
In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.
[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]
About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]
Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in ‘Some Like It Hot’.
[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]
Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
[Which explains why your teeth don’t freeze in winter.]
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]
Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.
[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]
Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
[What is the advantage of a bird that’s been dropped?]
There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
[Even though most fish don’t wear lipstick.]
Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
[Who volunteers to confirm this?]
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]
The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
[Well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.]
When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
[The same is true for people.]