Category: other

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, “And what are those?”

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan’s bragging replies with an incredulous look,
“What, don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

How come black people always have nightmares?
Because the last one who had a dream got shot.

A man is buying a pair of jeans. When he put them up on the counter the clerk asks, “Are you buying these?”

The man says, “No, I’m stealing them, I just wanted you to see them before they were gone!”

Submitted by Curtis

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer’s report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of theaccident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila says, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”

Sister Catherine’s eyes grow wide and she barked, “What did you say?!” “A prostitute!” Sheila repeated.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and saying, “Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant”

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s coffee and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly paid his bill and left the diner.

One of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

An 85 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up. After examining him, the doctor proclaims him in excellent health for his age.

The man says, “Hey Doc, I need to ask you a question. When I was 25, I would wake up with a hard on like a steel pipe – I couldn’t turn that thing with both hands!”

“Yes”, said the doctor, “That is normal for that age.”

“And,” said the old guy, “When I was 50, I could turn it with one hand.”

“Yes, that happens.” said the doctor.

“Now”, said the old guy, “I can bend it with one finger!”

“That’s normal for your age.” replied the doc.

“But Doc”, said the old fellow, “When am I going to stop getting stronger?”

Redneck Haikus

Beauty

Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mud flaps

Remorse

A painful sadness
Cain’t fit big screen TV through
Double-wide’s front door

Mother and Child

Crusted in boogers
Stained with Kool-Aid, baby has face
Only Mama loves

Exuberance

Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

Alone

Seeking solitude
Carl’s ex-wife Tammy files fer
Restraining order

Desire

Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost fergit
That you’re my cousin

Impounded

Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

Offerings

Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton

Drama

Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazard Marathon
Starts at 9 O’Clock

Deprived

In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants rasslin’ doll
Mama whups his ass

No Signal

White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; the satellite dish
Needs new descrambler

Pride

Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans that
Fill his pick-up bed

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, �Want to play Magic?�

She says, �What�s that?�

He says, �We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear.�

Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo

Jewish foreplay is three hours of begging.

Italian foreplay is “Maria, I’m home.”

And…..

American foreplay is “Honey, your car is washed, the kids are clean, the dishes are done and here is that diamond ring you have always wanted.”

1.- Es un incentivo para ir a trabajar

2.- Lleva a una comunicaci�n m�s honesta

3.- Reduce las quejas de salarios bajos

4.- Los empleados les dicen a sus jefes lo que realmente piensan

5.- Reduce la contaminaci�n ya que todos van a la oficina en el carro del conductor designado

6.- Aumenta la satisfacci�n del trabajo porque aunque el trabajo sea malo, al empleado no le importa

7.- El personal ya no pide vacaciones porque prefiere estar en la oficina

8.- Hace que las compa�eras de trabajo se vean m�s guapas

9.- Hace que la comida del comedor sepa mejor

10.- Es mas probable que los jefes den aumentos de sueldo cuando se encuentran borrachos

11.- Los empleados se quedan m�s tiempo en la oficina porque ya no hay necesidad de irse a alg�n lado a echarse unas cheves.

12.- Hace que las personas sean m�s abiertas a nuevas ideas.

13.- Elimina el problema de estar buscando quienes son los empleados que llegan con aliento alcoh�lico despu�s de la comida.

14.- Ya no se requiere que los empleados est�n pidiendo tacos y/o cafe para curarse la cruda. S�lo siguen tomando cerveza y contin�a la borrachera.

The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They had spent the day discussing the progress the country had made with the Russians before kicking them out.”They built us a power plant, an airport, and taught us how to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.”The ambassador looked pained and said, “Russian roulette is a dangerous game.” “Right, that’s why we invented African roulette; would you like to play?””I’m not sure, how does it work?” The African clapped his hands and six gorgeous black women, all nude, came wiggling in. “Choose the one you want to give you oral sex.””That’s a lot better and less risky than Russian roulette…””Not when one of them is a cannibal.”