Category: other

What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want.2. They rarely listen to you.3. They’re totally unpredictable.4. They whine when they are not happy.5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.8. They’re moody.9. They leave hair everywhere.10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats. What is a Dog? 1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.3. They can look dumb and loveable all at the same time.4. They growl when they are not happy.5. When you want to play, they want to play.6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.7. They are great at begging.8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.9. They leave their toys everywhere.10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.

A woman walks into the local pharmacy and ask’s to see sanitary napkins.

The pharmacist replies, “We have mini-pads and maxi-pads, which do you prefer?”

The woman asks, “What’s the difference?”
Pharmacist replies, “It depends on what you flow is like!”
Woman replies, “My flo? My flo is linoleum!”

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, “Looks like a bad carburettor to me.”Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer.”Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?” he asked.The farmer replied, “The brown and white one? Yep, that’s old Bessie.”The man then said, “Well my car’s broken down, and she just said, ‘Looks like a bad carburettor to me.'”The farmer shook his head and said, “Don’t mind old Bessie, son. She don’t know a thing about cars.”

YOU SO UGLY…. UR MOMMA HAD TO TIE A PORK CHOP AROUND YOUR NECK JUST SO THE DOG WOULD PLAY WITH CHA!!!!

Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex?

So she can fantasize about shopping.

A cat dies and goes to heaven.

God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You have been a good cat all these years.
You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.’

Well,’ said the cat, ‘I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on
hardwood floors.’

‘Say no more,’ says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appear.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to
heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.

‘All our life,’ the mice say, ‘we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms
have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run any more.’

God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a
beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently
nudges him awake and asks, ‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’

‘Never been happier,’ says the cat, stretching and yawning. ‘And those meals
on wheels you’ve been sending over are great.’

Three Engineers and three Managers are going to a conference and had to travel by train to get there. At the station, the three Managers bought their three tickets and watched as the three Engineers bought only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked a Manager.

“Just watch and you’ll see,” answered an Engineer.

They all board the train and the Managers took their seats and watched as all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. The train departed and shortly afterward, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please.”

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Managers saw all this and agreed it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Managers decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (expense reports).

When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the Engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a single ticket?” asked one Manager.

“Just watch and you’ll see,” answered an Engineer. They board the train. The three Managers cram into a restroom compartment and the three Engineers cram into an another one nearby. The train departed.

Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers left his restroom, walked over to the Managers stall, knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”

A pig walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “Do you serve root beer?”

The bartender replied, “Yes, I do.”

“I’d like one, please,” the pig said.

After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room.

After the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers.

This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had.

Two more pigs came in.

One ordered three root beers and the other ordered four.

They too used the rest room.

When a fifth pig came in, the bartender thought he’d get cute. “Let me guess, you want five root beers.”

The pig was shocked. “Why, yes. Yes, I would.”

When he was done, he started to walk out.

The bartender was confused.

“Don’t you want to use the rest room like the other four pigs did?”

“No, I’m the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all the way home.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A nun walks out of a church and sees two little boys kneeling down with their penises stuck in the snow. She runs over to them and asks “Billy, Jimmy what are you doing?”Billy replies “Oh, Father O’Sullivan likes a couple cold ones after the service”

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, “And what are those?”

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan’s bragging replies with an incredulous look,
“What, don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

How come black people always have nightmares?
Because the last one who had a dream got shot.

A man is buying a pair of jeans. When he put them up on the counter the clerk asks, “Are you buying these?”

The man says, “No, I’m stealing them, I just wanted you to see them before they were gone!”

Submitted by Curtis