The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the cops!””I don’t know what you’re talking about miss – that’s just my pay check in my pocket.””Oh really,” she spat.”Then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour!”
Category: other
Police in Los
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
your mom is so poor
your mom is so old whan you tried to suck her titie powder came out
Una t�a muy buena estaba
Una t�a muy buena estaba en un bar tomando una Heineken.
El camarero no paraba de mirarle las piernas, y pensaba, “Qu� buena est�. Me la tengo que tirar.” As� que le hecha una pastilla para dormir en la cerveza.
Cuando la chica se duerme se la lleva al almac�n y se la tira. Luego le llama un taxi, y la manda a casa.
El taxista no dejaba de mirar para atras y dec�a, “Joder, qu� buena est�. No creo que se entere si…” El taxista para en un descampado y se la tira. Luego la lleva a casa y cuando entra el el portal la ve el portero y le dice:
“�Qu� le ha pasado?”
“Ha bebido demasiado y la traigo a casa.”
“Tranquilo, ya la subo yo a su piso.”
El portero coge a la chica y piensa, “Joder, qu� buena est�. Seguro que no se entera si…”
y la mete en la porter�a y se la tira. Luego la sube a su piso y se encuentra con el vecino de la chica.
“�Qu� le ha pasado a Pilar?”
“Ha bebido demasiado y la han traido a casa.”
“Tranquilo. Ya me ocupo yo de acomodarla en su piso.”
El vecino ya llevaba tiempo detras de la chica y piensa, “Esta es la m�a. Seguro que no se entera si…” y la mete en su casa y se la tira.
Al d�a siguiente la chica vuelve al bar, y le dice al camarero, “Ponme algo de beber, anda.”
“�Una Heineken como siempre?”
“�No deja, que me da un dolor de co�o!”
Cure for Snoring
A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep.
She goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual.
Finally she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog’s testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.
She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles.
Amazingly it also works on him.
The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over.
He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog’s scrotum.
He looks at the dog and says, “Boy, I don’t remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place.”
Whetting his whistle
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a
friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the
middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle — Whooee da Whoee! —
but doesn’t know what it is. Predictably, he’s hit — but, only a glancing blow
— and is thrown, head-over-heels, to the side of the tracks, with some minor
internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a
party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle
whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter
and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing
the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert
man: “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”
En una fiesta, un catador
En una fiesta, un catador de bebidas lleva varias horas impresionando a su p�blico. De pronto, un aguafiestas, despu�s de haber regresado de la gasolinera con una botella, le dice al catador:
“�Puedes decirme qu� bebida es esta?”
El catador d�ndole un trago y haciendo un gesto de repugnancia, contesta:
“�Co�o, esto es gasolina!”
“Ya lo s�, �pero es con plomo o sin plomo?”
Cheap Nuts
Q: What�s cheaper Deer nuts or Peanuts?
A: Deer nuts cause they’re under a buck.
Un tipo iba por la
Un tipo iba por la carretera y ve un cartel que indicaba… m�xima a 80, y el tipo disminuye la velocidad a 80.
Despu�s mira otro cartel, m�xima a 60, y vuelve a disminuir la velocidad a 60, al rato otro que dec�a m�xima a 40, y disminuye a 40.
Va bajando la velocidad hasta que mira un cartel:
“Bienvenidos a M�xima.”
Blacks on bike, revisited
What do you call two black guys on a bike?
Organized crime.
Joking with the Pope
A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his wish was granted. When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, “Your Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you and I would like to tell you a joke before I start.”The Pope replied, “Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke.”The gentleman continued, “There were these two Pollacks and…”The Pope interrupted, “My son, do you realise that I am Polish?””I’m sorry, your Eminence, I’ll speak slower . . .”
Tres hombres viajan en un
Tres hombres viajan en un tren: un riojano, un valenciano y un turolense.
De pronto, va el riojano y tira 100 o 200 litros de vino.
El turolense le pregunta:
“�Por qu� tiras tanto vino por la ventanilla?”
“Porque en mi tierra hay as� (gesto de muchos)”.
Despu�s, el valenciano tira 100 o 200 kilos de naranjas.
El turolense le pregunta:
“�Por qu� tiras tantas naranjas por la ventanilla?”
“Porque en mi tierra hay as�”.
Entonces, va el turolense y tira al valenciano por la ventanilla.
Y le dice el riojano:
“�Por qu� lo has tirado?”
“Porque en mi tierra hay as�”.