Category: other

A guy went to the middle of nowhere and picked up one of those
new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned
on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see
the plant manager, and told her, “When I buy a $50,000 car I
expect the damn radio to work.”

The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been
programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio
what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.

He got back into the car and said “Country music,” and old
Willie Nelson started singing.

“Rock and roll,” he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started
crooning.

“Easy listening,” he remarked, and at once it sounded like he
was in an elevator.

He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a female driver
cuts him off. He controls his temper but before he knows it
another female driver cuts him off.

“Stupid bitches!” he screamed.

The radio immediately blurted out, “So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want…”

One day, a Mayflower truck driver was driving down the road and
getting rather tired. With still 200 miles to go and the coffee
running out, he needed something to keep him awake. Seeing a
hitchhiker on the side of the road, he thought the conversation
would be a stimulant.

He picked up the hitchhiker, drove down the road for about 15
minutes when the hitchhiker pull out a gun and said “stop the
truck”. The truck driver got out with the hitchhiker and was
then informed that they were going for a walk. They walked about
1 mile into the woods when the hitchhiker ordered the truck
driver to take off all of his clothes. Once undressed, the truck
driver was hog-tied and the hitchhiker grabbed his clothes, ran
back to the truck and took off.

The poor truck driver was laying there, buck naked and hog-tied,
when he began to slither back out to the highway. After 4 hours
of crawling through cactus and fire ants, scraped and sore, the
truck driver finally made it to the highway. It was getting dark
outside, but a Red Ball truck driver saw the Mayflower driver on
the side of the road and pulled his truck over.

He got out and inquired, “WHAT happened to you”? The Mayflower
truck driver said “I’m a truck driver too, and I picked up a
hitchhiker who stole my truck, took my clothes, hog-tied me in
the woods and I just managed to get back out here to the
highway. At this point, the Red Ball truck driver started to
pull down his pants and said “Today is just not your day, is it?”

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute!” said the writer, “this is just as bad as hell.”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

I saw a news report about a lesbian protest march, and the reporter said, “Coming up next, a lesbian demonstration.”

My first thought was: “Cool!!! I always wondered how those things work.”

Sure, it seems easy beine a space alien. You’ve got your x-ray vision, your late model space ships and media coverage galore. But, as usual with most glamour jobs, there’s a lot of nitty gritty work the public doesn’t get to see. The job can become routine, and even a bit tedious, as we learned when we stumbled upon this intriguing page from…

S P A C E A L I E N ‘ S L O G B O O K

***********************************************

8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work.

9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town.

9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry. Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze.

10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating finger tips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship. Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery. Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid enigmatic good-bye. Leave.

1:00 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments of an unidentifiable element.

2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber’s house, pick up royalty check from best seller. Communion.

3:00 PM It’s Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to go next.

3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert.

3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift.

4:30 PM Pose for cover of “Weekly World News” with Pres. Clinton. Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, scandal evasion, future political endorsements.

6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.

9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter.

10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of skin. Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out.

Un viernes en la tarde llegan tres vampiros a un bar. Uno de ellos le pide al cantinero un shot de sangre bien caliente; se lo sirvieron y de inmediato se lo mand�.

El segundo pidi� un rancho de borracho con buena sangre para que le llegara bastante alcohol; se lo sirvieron y se lo tom� con calma.

El tercero pidi� un vaso con agua bien caliente. El cantinero, extra�ado, le pregunta que por qu� ped�a eso. Entonces, el vampiro saca una toalla sanitaria usada y le informa que es para prepararse un t�.

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig’s house and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down.”And he did!The straw pig went running over to the stick pig’s house and said “Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!”The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!”And he did!So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig’s house and said “Let us in! “The wolf just blew down our houses and we’re scared!”So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said “I’m gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down.”While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras.They went over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the shit out of him. Then they got back into their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf bleeding on the street.The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, “Who the hell were those guys?”And the brick pig said, “Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs.”

An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign
exchange
to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps and after a quick
calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with a typical “service”
smile and “Have a nice day!”

The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with another wad
of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000Rps and put his hand out for
his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.

He questiond bitterly Ooh! vy less !!??”

Whereupon the cashier replied “Fluctuations!”
He screamed back “FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO!”
I’m going back to Delhi!!!

HOW TO SING THE BLUES (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky) 1. Most blues begin: ‘Woke up this morning.’ 2. ‘I got a good woman’ is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman– with the meanest dog in town. 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds. 4. The blues are not about limitless choice. 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. 6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve 9. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the empty bed Bad places for the Blues a. Ashrams b. Gallery openings c. weekend in the Hamptons 11. No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man. 12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state–like Georgia b. you’re blind c. you shot a man in Memphis. d. you can’t be satisfied. No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see. b. you’re deaf c. you have a trust fund. 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand are capable of singing the blues. 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. wine b. Irish whiskey c. muddy water d. one bourbon, one scotch and one beer Blues beverages are NOT: a. Any mixed drink b. Any wine kosher for Passover c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment. 16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie 17. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 18. Other Blues Names (Mix and Match Starter Kit) a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

En una convenci�n de sacerdotes, y en un momento de relax, se encuentran un cura mexicano, uno argentino y un peruano, y empiezan a charlar sobre el problema de las limosnas.

El religioso argentino comenta:

“Che, yo he resuelto de la mejor forma ese problema. Mir�, yo en la sacrist�a he hecho un c�rculo, entonces al final de la misas dominicales cojo todas las limosnas de la semana y las aviento hacia el cielo, lo que cae dentro del c�rculo es para Cristo y lo que queda fuera es para m�”.

El cura mexicano declara:

“Pos yo tengo un m�todo parecido, s�lo que yo he hecho un cuadrado, lo que cae dentro es para m�, y lo que queda fuera es para el Se�or”.

El cl�rigo peruano se r�e a carcajadas, y les informa que �l tiene un mejor m�todo:

“Miren, hijos m�os, yo lo he resuelto de otra forma, muy similar a la de ustedes; yo no tengo c�rculos ni cuadrados ni nada por el estilo, cada seis meses me voy de vacaciones a Europa con todos los gastos pagados, tengo servicio dom�stico en la parroquia y me doy el lujo de tener un Mercedes Benz de mi propiedad y unas cuantas casitas”.

“Che �y como lo hac�s?”

“Muy f�cil, agarro toda la limosna de la semana y la tiro al cielo; lo que agarra el Salvador es para �l, y el resto es para mis humildes gastos”.

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, “If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?”

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. “Go get help.”, he pleads.

She replies, “I can’t, I’m naked.”

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says “Cover your crotch with that and go get help.” She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, “HELP! HELP! My boyfriend’s stuck!”

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, “I’m sorry Miss. He’s too far in.”

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood, and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win? Dan Quayle. He’s the only one who knows that harass is one word.