A Scottish lad and lass

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the
Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, “A penny
for your thoughts.” The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, “Well,
I was thinkin’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss.”
So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long
enough for the lass to ask him, “What arre ye thinkin’ now?” To which the
lad replied:

“Well, I was hopin’ ye hadn’t forgot the penny!”

The engineer’s terms

Top 25 Engineer’s Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)

A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at
this point.)

Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired
three punk kids out of school.)

Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule,
that the customer will take anything.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when
we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the
thing quit.)

It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is
completely hopeless.)

We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

Please note and initial. (Let’s spread the responsibility for this.)

Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We’ll listen to what you have to say as
long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have already done or with what we are
going to do.)

Give us your interpretation. (We can’t wait to hear your bull.)

See me or let’s discuss. (Come to my office, I’ve messed up again.)

All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

Rugged. (Don’t plan to lift it without major equipment.)

Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

Years of development. (One finally worked)

Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

Fax me the data. (I’m too lazy to write it down.)

We are following the standard! (That’s the way we have always done it!)

I didn’t get your e-mail. (I haven’t checked my e-mail for days.)

yakimoto

There was a profesional golfer, that went on a bussiness trip to
Japan. While there he meets this really hot girl and he gets
all horny. Eventually they go out for dinner and after the
dinner they have wild passionate sex. While having sex the
woman yells out Yakimoto!!!!!. So the man thinks that must mean
really good.

So awhen golfing on hole number 3 of the golf course he gets
distracted and hits the ball on th hole number 2. Suddenly all
of the Japanese people yell out. Yakimoto!!!!!!!. So the man
turns to the Japanese translator who was his caddy and says that
wasn’t really good why are they yelling Yakimoto? And so the
caddy answers Yakimoto doesn’t mean really good it means wrong
hole.

Three Nuns and a Par

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colours.One day, they heard “yellow, blue, black.” One of the nuns noticed that those colours perfectly matched the colours of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “black, black, black.” Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house.They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke: “Straight, Straight, Curly!”

New Capan

Once there was a boy who went to work for a captain. The Captain had a wooden
leg, a hook on his hand, and a patch on his eye. Just like any old pirate. So
the kid asks “How did you get your wooden leg”? The Captain replied” I got
thrown over board and a SHARK ATE IT”! Then he asks ” how did you get your
hook”? The Captain replied”A hungry PAROTE ATE IT”! Then he asks” How did you
get your patch”? The Captain replied”A bird poopped on my eye”Then he asks ” How
would that take your eye out”? The Captain replied”It was the FIRST DAY WITH ME
HOOK”!

Un d�a se encontraba un

Un d�a se encontraba un ancianita pescando del lado derecho de un muelle, saque y saque peces. En ese momento, llega un joven y se sienta del otro lado del muelle sin tener suerte.

Al d�a siguiente, el chico llega m�s temprano que la se�ora para ganarle el lugar, sin tener suerte. La vieja al llegar se sienta a pescar ahora del lado izquierdo del muelle, saque y saque pescados. En eso, intrigado el joven le pregunta a la dama:

“Oiga, abuelita, �c�mo le hace para saber en que lado va a estar buena la pesca?”

“Muy f�chil, hijito, todash lash ma�anash cuando me levanto, me fijo hacia que lado tiene el pene mi esposho. Si lo tiene hacia la deresha, pesco del lado deresho del muelle, y si lo tiene hachia la izquierda, pesco del lado izquierdo del muelle”.

El mozalbete, queriendo fregar a la ancianita, le pregunta:

“�Y cu�ndo tiene el pene parado, hacia que lado pesca?”

Sonriendo, la anciana le responde:

“Si tiene el pene parado, hijito… �De pendeja me vengo a peshcar!”

Un individuo llega a un

Un individuo llega a un prost�bulo y grita:

“�Quiero una vieja que lo haga como yo lo quiera hacer!”

Ninguna de las mujeres se atrev�a, as� que vuelve a gritar:

“�Quiero una vieja que lo haga como yo lo quiera hacer!”

Por fin sale una de ellas y dice:

“Yo mero.”

“�Como yo quiera?”}

“S�, como t� lo quieras…”

Suben al cuarto y prau, prau, prau hacen el amor. La muchacha extra�ada le dice: “Qu� tuvo de especial.”

“�Te acuerdas que te dije que era como yo quisiera?”

“S�”, reponde la muchacha.

“Pues lo quiero fiadito, fiadito, fiadito…”

Car’s Sound System

A guy went to the middle of nowhere and picked up one of those
new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned
on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see
the plant manager, and told her, “When I buy a $50,000 car I
expect the damn radio to work.”

The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been
programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio
what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.

He got back into the car and said “Country music,” and old
Willie Nelson started singing.

“Rock and roll,” he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started
crooning.

“Easy listening,” he remarked, and at once it sounded like he
was in an elevator.

He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a female driver
cuts him off. He controls his temper but before he knows it
another female driver cuts him off.

“Stupid bitches!” he screamed.

The radio immediately blurted out, “So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want…”

Truck Driver

One day, a Mayflower truck driver was driving down the road and
getting rather tired. With still 200 miles to go and the coffee
running out, he needed something to keep him awake. Seeing a
hitchhiker on the side of the road, he thought the conversation
would be a stimulant.

He picked up the hitchhiker, drove down the road for about 15
minutes when the hitchhiker pull out a gun and said “stop the
truck”. The truck driver got out with the hitchhiker and was
then informed that they were going for a walk. They walked about
1 mile into the woods when the hitchhiker ordered the truck
driver to take off all of his clothes. Once undressed, the truck
driver was hog-tied and the hitchhiker grabbed his clothes, ran
back to the truck and took off.

The poor truck driver was laying there, buck naked and hog-tied,
when he began to slither back out to the highway. After 4 hours
of crawling through cactus and fire ants, scraped and sore, the
truck driver finally made it to the highway. It was getting dark
outside, but a Red Ball truck driver saw the Mayflower driver on
the side of the road and pulled his truck over.

He got out and inquired, “WHAT happened to you”? The Mayflower
truck driver said “I’m a truck driver too, and I picked up a
hitchhiker who stole my truck, took my clothes, hog-tied me in
the woods and I just managed to get back out here to the
highway. At this point, the Red Ball truck driver started to
pull down his pants and said “Today is just not your day, is it?”

Expression

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute!” said the writer, “this is just as bad as hell.”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”