A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ”Up nuts!” And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ”Down nuts!” And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, ”Cheer nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, ”Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ”PEANUTS!”
Category: other
Other NY Times Retractions
The Top 10 Other Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 199810 ”Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.”9 ”We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.”8 ”Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.”7 ”Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!”6 ”Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.”5 ”It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur ‘Genius Grant.”’4 ”Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.”3 ”Our article describing O.J. Simpson as ‘slashing out’ over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…”2 ”As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.”1 ”Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.”
The Mage in Battle
Top 10 things you don’t want to hear your mage say in battle.10) “Is it virgin’s tears and dragon’s blood, or dragon’s tears and virgin’s blood? Maybe the dragon was a virgin..” 9) “Hmm…is this the recipe for a Potion of Healing, or for Chile Con Carne?” 8) “Oh, oh, oh, oh! That wand of cold balls -didn’t- do what I expected.” 7) “By any chance, have you seen a summoned 9th order fire elemental wandering around? No? Oh.. Tell me if you do.” 6) “It’s supposed to have five points?” 5) “My familiar will take care of that dragon! Sic ’em, Fifi!” 4) “What kind of cheap, wussyarse excuse for a djinn only gives one wish? Oh, he’s still here…” 3) “Eennie, meenie, miny, moe.. Which end points toward the foe?” 2) “Damn. I knew I should have used Energizers in this thing.”And, the number one thing you don’t want to hear from your mage..1) “Oops…”
Playing Doctor
Two children are in a doctor’s waiting room, and one of them is crying. “Why are you crying?” asked the other child.”I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger.” When he heard this, the other child started to cry.”Why are you crying?””I’m here for a urine test.”
Hot air
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. Spotting a man down below, he reduces height and shouts: ‘Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?’ The man below says: ‘Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.’ ‘You must work in engineering!’ says the balloonist. ‘I do,’ replies the man. ‘How did you know?”Because,’ says the balloonist, ‘everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”You, my friend,’ says the man below, ‘must work in management.”I do’ replies the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?”Because,’ says the man below, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it’s my fault.’
Lipstick
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Yo Mama’s So Fat… Klumps
Yo’ mama so fat, she makes the Klumps look like supermodels!
Yo Mama’s So Fat… High Heels #2
Yo mama’s so fat, she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops.
Un hombre se encuentra con
Un hombre se encuentra con un amigo y le dice, “oye chico, hace 3 d�as que tengo una ronquera y no se me quita con nada”.
Y el amigo le contesta; “muchacho, as� estaba yo la semana pasada, pero cog� a la mujer m�a y le di esa mamada, que se me quito todo”.
Y dice el hombre, “�pues que hacemos? Vamos para all� o t� me la traes para ac�.
Actual product instructions.
ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:
ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.
FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.
ON TESCO’S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY’S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Ugly
I saw someone that looked like you, but then the dog turned around.
Un t�o y una t�a
Un t�o y una t�a est�n follando. Al terminar, ella pregunta:
“�T� no tendr�s el SIDA, verdad?”
“�Claro que no!”
“�Qu� bien, porque me joder�a cogerlo dos veces en la misma semana!”