Category: other

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90’s

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on
anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then
leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children,
Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no
kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. “We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes
reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped
and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office
or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. “Well, first we gotta
figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.”

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave
a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to
pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime
example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get
it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice
President at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an
uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for
assistance.” See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the
appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II
computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the
Return key and the Power On key.

Why were shopping carts invented

To teach women how to walk on there hind legs

What a similarity between guns and a women

the more they’re around, the more you want to shoot them

How many women does it take to shovel the drive way

Who the hell cares, what are they doing out of the kitchen

A las 4:00 a.m., un borracho llega a un edificio enorme y ve la ingente cantidad de botones que tiene el intercomunicador. Titubeante, presiona uno de los botones y cuando una mujer responde, con tartajosa voz pregunta:

“Oye �t� eres casada?”

“S�, soy casada”, contesta enojada.

“�Y tu esposo esta ah�?”

“S� y es karateca. �Quieres que lo despierte?”

“�No, no, no, disculpe usted!”, farfulla asustado el temulento.

Oprime otro bot�n y cuando le contestan se apresura:

“Oye, mi amor, �t� eres casada?”

“�S�, soy casada!”, responde furiosa y con voz adormilada.

“�Y tu marido est� ah�?”

“S�, si est�. �l es boxeador. �Por qu�? �Quiere que lo despierte?

“�No, no, no, perd�n!”

Toca nuevamente el intercomunicador. Cuando alguien contesta el borrach�n insiste:

“Oye, mi vida, �t� eres casada?”

“S�, si soy casada”.

“�Y tu marido est� ah� contigo?”

“No, �l no est�”.

“Entonces, �puedes hacerme un favor?”

“�Cu�l?”, pregunta extra�ada.

“�Podr�as bajar a ver si soy yo?”

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.”Don’t be angry,” the mother says, “Your little sister doesn’t realise that pulling hair hurts.”A short while later, there’s more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, “She knows now.”

The Top 10 Other Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 199810 ”Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.”9 ”We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.”8 ”Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.”7 ”Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!”6 ”Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.”5 ”It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur ‘Genius Grant.”’4 ”Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.”3 ”Our article describing O.J. Simpson as ‘slashing out’ over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…”2 ”As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.”1 ”Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.”

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says “okay stop now you’ve been relieved”.

Jesus is taking a walk through the streets when he sees a group of people throwing stones at a cowering adulteress.

He stops and yells to the crowd, �Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.�

All of a sudden, a huge stone comes flying out of the crowd and pegs him in the head.

Jesus stops, taken aback, then looks up and says, �Mom!�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Birdy,Birdy in the sky,
Why’d you do that in my eye?
looks like ice cream,
Tastes like spit,
Oh my god, it’s birdy shit!

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire.

The youngest cowboy says, “Last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare hands.”

Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, “That’s nothing. Two days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught it in mid-strike and ripped off its head with my teeth.”

The oldest cowboy just sits there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and
try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes
in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of
the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when
I’m half naked.” With that she strips naked from the waist down,
and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of
pants!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of
the dealers.

“YES! I WIN! I WIN!” With that she picks up her money and
clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of
them asks, “What did she roll anyway?” The other answers, “I
don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, “Why so glum?”

The guy responded, “What do you think? I’m in hell!”

“Hell’s not so bad,” the demon said. “We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”

“Sure,” the man said, “I love to drink.”

“Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!”

The guy is astounded. “Damn, that sounds great.”

“You a smoker?” the demon asked.

“You better believe it!”

“You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You’re already dead, remember?”

“Wow, the guy said, “that’s awesome!”

The demon continued. “I bet you like to gamble.”

“Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.”

“Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you’re dead anyhow. You into drugs?”

The guy said, “Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don’t mean…”

“That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares!”

“Wow,” the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, “I never realized Hell was such a cool place!”

The demon said, “You gay?”

“No.”

“Ooooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays!”

What do you throw to a drowning [ethnic]?

His wife and kids.