Yours Fun Portal !
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
3) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
4) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
5) If you can remain calm while all others around you are losing their heads, maybe you just don’t understand the problem.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?”
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart!”
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.
All his professionallism goes right out the window…
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off.
The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting herpies – thats why I am here!”
Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city. One night, one said to a another, �I’m so hungry. I’m going to go get something.� �No don’t! We have to wait for the others!� �I don’t care.� And off he went.About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood. The other vampire bat asked, �WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?� �You really want to see?� asked the bloody one. �Follow me.�So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, �Do you see that building?� �Yes,� came the reply. To that the first says, �Well, I didn’t.�
Dung On Mai Shu————I stepped in excrement
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu———Let’s sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne————–I bumped into the coffee table
Fat Ho———————-An unattractive woman
Ar U Wun Tu—————–A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat—————–You need a face lift
Chow Mai Dong————-Blow me
Dum Gai———————A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai—————-Is that a banana in your pocket?
Won Hung Low————–Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai
Gun Pao Der—————–An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung—————Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding————–We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun—————A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia———————Approach me
Lao Ze Sho——————Gilligan’s Island
Lao Zi———————-Not very good
Lin Ching——————-An illegal execution
Ne Ahn———————-A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai——————– A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be————A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne————–A small horse
Ten Ding Ba—————-Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung————-A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan————–Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah—————Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim——————Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting———-There is no reason to raise your voice
Tres amigos estaban holgazaneando en una esquina, por lo que uno propone una competencia para ver quien puede escribir con la orina la palabra Ecuador en el suelo.
El primero lo intenta y s�lo alcanza a escribir Ecu. El segundo logra escribir Ecua, y el tercero escribe Ecuado. En eso estaban, cuando se acerca un negro esmeralde�o como de tres metros de alto que les pregunta:
“Y Uds. �qu� es lo est�n haciendo aqu�?”
“Nosotros estamos haciendo una apuesta, para ver quien escribe Ecuador con los orines en el suelo”.
“Eso no es nada, yo puedo escribir Ecuador: pa�s amaz�nico, ayer, hoy y siempre. Viva la patria”.
“A ver, escribe”, le dicen incr�dulos.
“Ya, pero t� me la manejas porque yo soy analfabeto”.
Man goes to the doctor, “Doctor, my penis is orange. What can I do about it?”
Doctor scratches his head, says “I’ve never seen anything like it. Take these pills and come back in a week and see if there are any changes.”
The guy comes back in a week, his dick is still orange.
Doctor says, “Let’s see if we can figure out what is causing this. Tell me about your life-style.”
Guy says “I’m single, live alone, just a normal type.”
Doctor: “How do you spend your evenings?”
“I like to watch porno videos and eat Cheetos. Why?”
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can’t hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, “I”, then at his knee, meaning, “need”, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, “handsaw”.
The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.
The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ”What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!”
The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ”I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.”
An aggie and two construction workers were working on a sky
scraper, discussing their lunch.
The first construction worker said, “Ham, ham, ham! All I ever
get is a ham sandwich! I’m so sick of ham sandwiches. If I get
another ham sandwich tommorrow, I’m gonna jump off this building
and kill myself.”
The second construction worker said, “Turkey, turkey, turkey!!
All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I’m so sick of them! If I
get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I’m gonna kill myself, too!”
The aggie said, “Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter!
All I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter sandwich. I’m
getting so sick of them! If I get another peanut butter
sandwich, I’m going to join you guys and jump off this sky
scraper.”
The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich.
So he jumped off the building and killed himself. The second
construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped
off the building and killed himself. And the aggie got a peanut
butter sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed
himself, too.
At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the
first construction worker said, “If only he had told me! I
wouldn’t have made another ham sandwich.”
The wife of the second construction worker said, “If only he had
told me! I wouldn’t have made another turkey sandwich.”
The wife of the aggie said, “I don’t know why he jumped. He
always made his own sandwiches!”
Un hombre que est� en la recepci�n de un hotel quiere preguntarle algo al conserje; as� que se da la vuelta para acercarse al mostrador y, accidentalmente, le da un codazo en la teta a una chica que est� a su lado. Los dos se quedan cortados y el tipo atina a decir:
“Se�orita, si tiene usted el coraz�n tan tierno y blando como su pecho, s� que podr� perdonarme”.
“Si la tienes tan dura como tu codo, te espero en la habitaci�n 1221”, responde la joven.
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the cops!””I don’t know what you’re talking about miss – that’s just my pay check in my pocket.””Oh really,” she spat.”Then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour!”