Category: other

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded,” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some
Polish sausage.” The clerk looks at him and asks, “Are you
Polish?” The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But
let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you
ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage,
would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco,
would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya?” The clerk says,
“Well, no.”

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, “All right
then, why the HELL did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I
ask for Polish sausage?” The clerk says, “Because this is a
hardware store.”

One day 2 newfies were in thier car looking for a river that
they could canoe in. After they while the passenger says” Hey
man were lost, those corn fields look like the water back home”
“Ya we are, and ya your right those fields do look like the
water back home” says the other guy. So the passenger says “
Since were lost lets put our canoe out in the field and pretend
thats water” so the driver agree’s and they pull over bring
thier canoe out and start to pretend they are in the water.Then
another Newfie drives by and sees them, so he stops and yells at
them “Hey you fucking assholes!!! You are the dumb idiots that
give us Newfie’s a bad name!!! If i knew how to swim I’d come
oout thier and kick your ass!!

A glimpse into our future…
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“Gray Hair”

A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, “Don’t worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify.” The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.

Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, “Too bad you didn’t drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!”

how do you fit 100 cubans in a shoe-box?

tell them it floats

Once there was an madman who was committed to an asylum.

The asylum had a rule that if any ‘resident’ could pass a special 5 question test, he could go free.

No resident had passed in the 20 year history of the asylum.

It was the madman’s turn to take the test.

After a grueling 4 hours of testing, the examining officer said, “Well, you’ve passed four of the five tests. I’m very impressed.

However, the last test is the hardest of all.”

The examiner led the man to a dark room, switched on a
flashlight, and pointed it at a light bulb hanging from the
ceiling. “For your fifth test, you must walk on the beam of light and change the bulb.”

The madman looked at him with an outraged expression and exclaimed, “Are you nuts?”

He continued, “Yeah right, when I reach half way you’ll turn it off and let me fall!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Patient: Doctor, I accidentally swallowed my glass eye while I was cleaning it.Doctor: OK. Spread your legs and lean over.Patient: (Spreads his legs and leans over).Doctor: My God! In all my years of practice, this is the first time I’ve ever seen an asshole looking back at me!

La maestra da clases sobre nutrici�n y pregunta al grupo:

“Ni�os, �cu�l es la mejor leche para el consumo humano?”

Juanito levanta la mano y contesta:

“La leche Alpura, maestra, porque est� pasteurizada.

“Muy bien, Juanito, �qui�n m�s tiene otra respuesta?”

Rosita asegura:

“Yo digo que es la leche Lala porque est� pasteurizada y homogeneizada”.

Pepito levanta la mano y brinca desde su asiento. Ante tanta insistencia la maestra accede:

“Est� bien, Pepito, dinos �cu�l es la mejor leche?”

“Bueno, maestra, yo creo que es la materna”.

“�Muy bien, Pepito! Ahora dinos por qu�”.

“Ay, maestra, no ser� pasteurizada, ni homogeneizada… �Pero qu� presentaci�n tiene!”

‘Resumania’ is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting’s
parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job
candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here are some
examples:

‘I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness,
efficacy, and expertise.’ (And an eye on the ‘e’ section of the dictionary,
evidently.)

‘Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down
some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.'(No
problem …)

‘Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
inseparable. ‘(Glad to hear it.)

‘I am very detail-oriented. ‘(With the possible exception of spelling)

‘I can play well with others.’ (We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)

‘Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.’ (A new twist on work-family
balance.)

‘Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.’ (Have you considered
law school?)

‘My salary requirement is $34 per year.’ (They say money isn’t everything.)

‘Served as assistant sore manager.’ (Ouch.)

‘Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.’ (So
you’re willing to travel?)

‘I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.’ (And they say
loyalty is hard to come by.)

‘Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend
could steal my job.’ (We’re glad you’re not bitter.)

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, “You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.”

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you’d be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?”

The Pakistani man replied, “Just try them on.”

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years— raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy’s pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, “YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!”.

El hombre le pregunta a Dios:

“�Por qu� hiciste a la mujer tan bella?”

“Para que te enamores de ella.”

“�Y por qu� la hiciste tan tonta?”

“Para que ella se enamore de ti.”

International Travellers Bloopers

1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.

2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).

9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.

10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

11. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

12. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.

13. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop you trousers here for best results.

14. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

15. A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

16. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

17. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

18. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

19. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

20. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here (mmm…).

21. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

22. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

23. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

24. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

25. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

26. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcom to it.

27. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

28. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

29. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finder; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.