Category: other

Despu�s de mucho buscar, por fin, un tipo encuentra trabajo como salvavidas en la playa. En su primer d�a estaba muy nervioso, cuando de pronto, una escultural belleza comienza a ahogarse.; el hombre se asusta y no sabe que hacer. Su jefe le grita:

“�Las tablas, las tablas! �Qu� no oyes? �Las tablas, pendejo!”

El tipo, todo asustado, se pone firmes y comienza:

“2×1=2, 2×2=4, 2×3=6…”

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.””Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?””It’s called the door!”

You know how Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died around about the same time? Well they both went up to heaven. St. Peter met them at the entrance to the pearly gates. He said “You both must show me something to prove your worth, going into heaven.”

Mother Theresa went first. She walked up to St. Peter and lifted her habit and flashed her breasts at him.

He said “okay. Princess Di?”

Princess Di smiled and walked over into the corner, did a squat and pissed. St. Peter gave it careful consideration.

Finally he decided. “Princess Di. You’re in. Sorry Mother Theresa, but a Royal Flush, beats two of a kind!!!!!”

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?” you
realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, and �I
waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn.” Your boss is
standing behind you. It’s his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential
information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as
vacation, not last week.
You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how were the
fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”
You gossip with another employee about the company, not knowing that the
entire time the owner is within an earshot.
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You’re in
jail. Last night was the company’s big party to celebrate its successful new
merger.

A Christmas tree is always erect. Even small ones give satisfaction. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. A Christmas tree always looks good – even with the lights on. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. A Christmas tree has cute balls. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ‘sell by’ date. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Q:why dont blind people go sky diving?A:because it will scare the shit out of their dog

Why dosent Osama Bin laden have sex with anyone anymore??

Because every time he opens a gurls legs all he sees is
bush.

Est�n dos viejitos en una fr�a noche de invierno en su cama.

De repente el viejito despierta a la viejita que estaba durmiendo agradable y placenteramente, y con aire p�caro le dice:

“�VIEJITA! �NOS ECHAMOS UNO?”

La viejita le dice: “Si, viejito, pero que sea rapid�n. y se tapan y ah� imag�nense: s�banas arriba y s�banas abajo, cama rechinando. Terminan el “rapid�n” y el viejito, un poco cansado, le dice:

“�VIEJITA! �NOS ECHAMOS OTRO?”

“Los que tu quieras mi vida.”

Se oyen otra vez sonidos guturales, rechinidos m�s duros, cristales rotos. Cuando termina el segundo, el viejito un poco m�s cansad�n le dice: “�VIEJITA! �NOS ECHAMOS OTRO?”

“Los que quieras te aguanto mi rey.”

Y es la misma historia. Y as� llegan al SEPTIMO, ya el viejito sacando la lengua y la viejita morada. El viejito le pregunta: “VIEJITA �NOS ECHAMOS UNO MAS? solamente para irnos a dormir.”

Y la viejjita le contesta:

“YA NO, VIEJITO, TU TE LOS ECHAS BIEN APESTOSOS.”

A Manolo le encantaba la pesca en hielo, por lo que un d�a decide hacerlo despu�s de mucho tiempo.

En cuanto lleg� al lugar, se instal� c�modamente y abri� un hoyo en el hielo; despu�s y procedi� a introducir el cordel del hilo de pesca. Tras uno cuantos minutos de espera, decidi� cambiarse de lugar. Al haber pasado cerca de media hora en espera de peces, se escucho una voz que dec�a:

“All� no hay peces”.

Ignorando esto, Manolo continu� pescando. Un rato despu�s, se escuch� nuevamente aquella voz:

“He dicho que all� no hay peces”.

Desconcertado, el tontiland�s suelta:

“�Acaso ser� Dios quien me habla?”

“�No, imb�cil, s�lo soy el encargado de esta pista de hielo!”, responde la voz.

Poor Jim is killed in a Boston automobile accident, but happily he goes to heaven where he gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.”Sure. Go right ahead,” says the Almighty.”OK,” Jim says, “Why did you make women so pretty?””So you would like them,” God replies.”All right then,” Jim nods, “but come you made them so nice and soft and curvey?””So you would LOVE them,” God replies.Jim ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such air heads?”God replies, “So THEY would love YOU!”

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis

Some actual product warning labels:

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink – AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer – TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense…except these instructions we’re IN THE BOX!)

In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles – OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer – DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I’d like to see! )

On a bag of Fritos – YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap – DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops…Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife – WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights – FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what…use in outer space?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts – INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I’m sure glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child’s superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)