Category: other

What kind of car did the 3 wise men drive?

A Honda, They all came in one accord.

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise,
he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection. Perplexed, he called on
his personal physician.
“Doctor, this should not be possible,” he said, “I’m the Pope, and I’m
celibate! I haven’t had one of these for 30 years!”

The doctor’s reply was, “Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all
men, and it will happen even to you from time to time”.

The Pope exclaimed “But you must do something about this! I have mass in an
hour, and this thing isn’t going away!”

The doctor replied “You have two options … either I can administer an
injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make
you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve
yourself.”

Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknown to him, a
paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope
reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping
away. The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the
photographer, and begin to beat him up.

The paparazzo shouts out, “Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization!
What has happened to your forgiveness?”

Upon refection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying
“Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot
return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the
film to be seen in the outside world.”

Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, “But this is how
I make my living! If you take my camera, I’ll lose the money I could have sold
the photographs for!”

The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. “Very well, we will compensate you. How
about $100,000?”

Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope meanwhile attends
confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore
ordered to walk three times around St. Peter’s, with the offending camera around
his neck. Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:

“Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope,” says the man,
“how much you pay for it?”

“Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie,” he replies, “I must confess that I paid
$100,000 for it.”

“Ah,” says the Japanese gentleman, “look like someone saw you coming!”

Un m�dico, quitado de la pena, revisa unos libros de medicina, cuando entra a su consultorio un tipo alto y delgado.

“�En qu� le puedo servir, buen hombre?”, pregunta el galeno.

El hombre se quita el sombrero y, por la cabeza, le aparece una rana.

“Pero, amigo, �c�mo es posible eso?”, pregunta, sorprendido, el doctor.

La rana contesta:

“Pues, no s�, doctor, pero empez� con un barrito en la nalga”.

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home hes stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don�t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?”

“About 35”, was the reply. “I�m actually 47”, the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “I�d guess you�re 29 ?”

“Nope, I am actually 47”. He�s starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question, She replies “I am 85 years old and my eyesignt is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady saus, “OK, it�s done. You are 47.”

Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant ! How did you do that ?”

The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonalds.”

MEGA MORON AWARDS Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give
your friend a tenner. She goes up and says “Hi, my friend over there is great in
bed, how about it?”.
– That’s Advertising.

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The one guy says “I’m a YUPPIE… you know, Young Urban Professional.”

The second guy says “I’m a DINK… you know, Double Income, No Kids.”

They asked the woman, “What are you?” She replied: “I’m a WIFE…you know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman, Tantilazing and Curtis

Estando una mujer embarazada en el banco, entraron unos atracadores entraron y se produjo un tiroteo en el que la mujer recibi� tres balazos en el est�mago, que sorprendentemente no le provocaron el aborto.

Pasados unos meses la mujer dio a luz unos trillizos muy guapos.

Cuatro a�os despues llega uno de ellos asustado a la cocina y dice:

“�Mam�, he cagado una bala!”

La mujer, sorprendida, le dijo a su hijo que no se preocuppara.

Al d�a siguiente llega otro de sus hijos y le dice:

“�Mam�, he cagado una bala!”

A lo que la mujer contesta:

“No te preocupes, hijo, no pasa nada.”

Al dia siguiente llega el tercer hijo y dialogaron madre e hijo de este modo:

“�Mam�, ha ocurrido algo raro!”

“Lo se, hijo, �a que has cagado una bala?”

“�Que va, mucho peor! �Me he tirado un pedo y me he cargado al abuelo!”

Three seniors were discussing the problems of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second senior chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem—knock on wood. “She rapped her knuckles on the table, pause for few seconds and then said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it.”

Bible scholars have long wondered how old Isaac was when his father
Abraham took him up to the mountain top to offer him as a sacrifice.
Through careful study of the story as related in the Old Testament,
based on the following facts:

1. Issac was old enough to understand the ritual of sacrifice,
2. Issac was old enough to carry wood for the fire to the top of the
   mountain,
3. Issac was old enough to notice that they were not bringing an animal
   for the sacrifice.

Therefore Issac’s age, at this time, was greater than 8 years old.
Scholars also conclude that he was younger than 12 years old as
supported by the following fact:

If Issac had been older than twelve, he would have been a
teenager and it would not have been a sacrifice.

Juan P�rez, mi programador asistente, siempre puede ser encontrado
trabajando duro en su cub�culo. Juan labora sin descanso, sin andar
gastando el tiempo hablando con sus colegas. Juan nunca
lo piensa dos veces para ayudar a sus compa�eros, y siempre
termina sus tareas a tiempo. Frecuentemente, Juan toma extremas
medidas para completar su trabajo, a veces salt�ndose las
pausas en el trabajo. Juan es un individuo que no tiene nada de
vanidad a pesar de sus altos logros y profundos
conocimientos en su campo. Creo firmemente que Juan puede ser
clasificado como de gran calibre, del tipo que no puede ser
expulsado. Por todo ello, recomiendo que Juan sea
promovido a un puesto ejecutivo, y para tal efecto un ascenso ser�
ejecutado tan pronto como sea posible.

Atentamente
El L�der de Proyecto

SIGUE LEYENDO…

Poco tiempo despu�s, el departamento de Recursos Humanos recibi� el siguiento memo del L�der de Proyecto:

Lo siento, pero ese idiota estaba leyendo sobre mis hombros cuando escrib� el reporte que le mand� hoy por la ma�ana. Por favor lea s�lo las l�neas nones para conocer mi verdadera opini�n.

Atentamente,
El L�der de Proyecto.

One Polish surgeon asks another: “How did that appendectomy go?”

“Appendectomy?” shrieks the other. “I though it was an autopsy!”