Category: other

Era la primera cita de Pepito con su novia, y �ste no sab�a que hacer. Por eso, su hermano mayor y �l estaban hablando a trav�s de unos walkie-talkie.

Se hizo de noche y Pepito va a dejar a su novia a su departamento. Como Pepito quer�a tener sexo con ella, comienza a comunicarse con su hermano.

“Oye, quiero acostarme con mi chava, �qu� es lo primero que debo hacer?”

“Primero, ll�vala a su cama y dale un beso”, le instruye el hermano.

“Ya lo hice, ahora qu�”.

“Qu�tale la ropa”.

“S� ya, qu� sigue”.

“Ahora qu�tale la ropa interior”.

“Listo, qu� m�s”.

“Bueno, desv�stete t�”.

“Qu� sigue”.

“Por �ltimo, m�tele lo que s�lo t� y yo tenemos”.

Pasan 5 minutos y el hermano intrigado le pregunta: “�Pepito, qu� haces?”

“Lo que me dijiste, le met� lo que s�lo t� y yo tenemos”.

“��Y que le metiste?!”

“El walkie-talkie”.

El padre Juan est� jugando al golf con una monjita que hace las veces de c�dit (ayudante). Al llegar al primer hoyo, el cura falla el golpe, y grita enojado:

“�Carajo! Fall�. �Me cago en Dios!”

La monjita, asombrada, le dice:

“�Padre, por Dios! El Cielo lo va a castigar por decir malas palabras.”

Llegan al segundo hoyo y el padre vuelve a fallar.

“�Mierda! Fall�. �Me cago en Dios!”

“Padre, por Dios, no vuelva a repetir eso.”

Llegan al tercer hoyo y el padre �falla de nuevo!

“�Re-mierda! �Volv� a fallar! �Me cago en Dios!”

“Padre, �Dios lo va a castigar!”

En ese momento comienza a formarse una nube negra sobre sus cabezas. Se oyen truenos y cae un rayo que fulmina a la monjita. Entonces se oye una voz:

“�LA PUT�SIMA MADRE QUE ME PARIO! �FALL�! �ME CAGO EN M�!”

An Aggie a Red Raider and a Longhorn were going to a college survival camp. The leader told them that they had to hunt for their own food. So the Longhorn goes out and comes back with a big buck. The Raider and the Aggie ask him how he got it,the Longhorn said “found tracks follow tracks BOOM kill deer. So the Raider goes out and brings back a doe. The Aggie asked how he got it, the Raider said “found tracks follow tracks BOOM kill deer. So the Aggie goes out and comes back with all these cuts and bruises and limping. The Longhorn and the Raider ask him what happened. The Aggie replies “found tracks follow tracks BOOM got hit by train!

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both
cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is
hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s
collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our
cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign
from God.”

The rabbi continues, �And looks at this. Here’s another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine
didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to
the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on,
and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”

What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make
this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as
clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some
really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and
were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery
when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight
towards them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled
and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and
addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous
outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and
again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time,
came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because
their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning,
Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady.
Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did
YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise,
he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection. Perplexed, he called on
his personal physician.
“Doctor, this should not be possible,” he said, “I’m the Pope, and I’m
celibate! I haven’t had one of these for 30 years!”

The doctor’s reply was, “Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all
men, and it will happen even to you from time to time”.

The Pope exclaimed “But you must do something about this! I have mass in an
hour, and this thing isn’t going away!”

The doctor replied “You have two options … either I can administer an
injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make
you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve
yourself.”

Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknown to him, a
paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope
reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping
away. The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the
photographer, and begin to beat him up.

The paparazzo shouts out, “Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization!
What has happened to your forgiveness?”

Upon refection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying
“Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot
return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the
film to be seen in the outside world.”

Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, “But this is how
I make my living! If you take my camera, I’ll lose the money I could have sold
the photographs for!”

The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. “Very well, we will compensate you. How
about $100,000?”

Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope meanwhile attends
confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore
ordered to walk three times around St. Peter’s, with the offending camera around
his neck. Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:

“Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope,” says the man,
“how much you pay for it?”

“Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie,” he replies, “I must confess that I paid
$100,000 for it.”

“Ah,” says the Japanese gentleman, “look like someone saw you coming!”

Despu�s de veinte a�os de servicio en la compa��a, el se�or P�rez se anim� a solicitar un aumento de sueldo. Por consejo de su compadre, que era sindicalista, escribe la solicitud en los siguientes t�rminos:

“Me es imposible continuar trabajando con ustedes con este salario…”

Dos d�as despu�s lo llaman a la oficina del gerente general y �ste, en persona, le informa:

“Se�or P�rez, tengo muy buenas noticias para usted”.

“S�, se�or”, alcanza a balbucir P�rez emocionado.

“Despu�s de presentar su carta al consejo directivo y de enfatizar que le ‘es imposible continuar trabajando con nosotros con su sueldo actual’, los miembros del consejo mostraron su acuerdo un�nime en vista de sus veinte a�os de servicio leal a la compa��a y de que todo esto va m�s all� de lo que es tan s�lo puro dinero y, a pesar de los problemas por los que atravesamos en el momento actual derivados de la recesi�n de la econom�a estadounidense, creemos que unos cuantos pesos no nos hundir�n el barco y…”

Se calla el gerente para tomar un sorbo de agua. Y P�rez pregunta:

“Entonces, �acordaron incrementarme el sueldo?”

“No, se�or, acordamos darle una gran fiesta de despedida en el hotel Camino Real, con stripper, mariachis y toda la cosa”.

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear”, she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted!”

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.”He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone.” Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head. “Ouch, Dad! I hate when you do that!”

Polaroid has a new camera they call a hemaroid , takes shitty pictures and anyone can operate it.

Una pareja de casados ten�a problemas con la inseguridad en su colonia. La afligida se�ora un d�a va acomprar un perro “bravo”.

Al llegar al local pide le vendan un perro, el m�s bravo que tuviesen… el due�o del local le dice:

“Bueno, se�ora, tenemos �ste(refiri�ndose a un perro grande y con cara de maldito), pero le advierto que es muy bravo.”

“S�, s�, ese me llevo… �y est� amaestrado?”

“Pero claro, este perro ataca con s�lo decirle ‘Sat�n, ataca, o Satan, muerde’ o cualquier orden. Hasta le pordr�a decir ‘Sat�n, el mandado’ y �l obedeceria sin chistar, siempre y cuando se le hable por su nombre.”

“�Qu� bien!,” dice la se�ora e inmediatamente se lleva el perro.

Ya en la noche, como era costumbre, el marido llega borracho, y al ver al perro dice gritando:

“�Qu� hace aqu� este perro?”

A lo que la se�ora responde:

“Amor, es el perro que compre para que cuide la casa, se llama Sat�n.”

Y el hombre dice carcaje�ndose:

“�Jajaja… Sat�n… ja… Sat�n… mis bolas!”