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A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor, “Doc, Doc, my penis has been burning lately.”
And the doctor says reassuringly, “Don’t worry son, that just means someone is talking about it.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
You walk into the bathroom american and come out of the bathroom american what are you in the bathroom???
European!!
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!
U
Llega un tipo a su casa y decide sorprender a su mujer, entra a la casa y ve que en la sala est� la ropa de su mujer tirada en el piso,
sube al cuarto y en el pasillo ve m�s ropa tirada, entonces saca su arma creyendo que su mujer esta con el amante, entra y ve que dos personas est�n haciendo el amor entre las s�banas, no las distingue bien pero �bum! les dispara.
Entonces baja a la cocina a tomar un poco de agua y ve a su mujer tomando agua ah�, entonces el hombre dice:
“Amor, �no estabas en el cuarto?”
Y la mujer le responde:
“No, me olvid� de decirte que tus padres vinieron de sorpresa y est�n en nuestro cuarto.”
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and
says, ”Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?” Then the lady answered,
”Excuse me, I think this is a goose.” And the bartender says, ”Excuse me, I
was talking to the goose.”
An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband. ‘Paddy! Paddy!’ she yelled.
Paddy came running in. ‘Paddy I’ve suctioned myself to the floor,’ she said.
‘Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. ‘You’re just too heavy, love. I’ll go across the road and get Shamus.’
Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.
‘Nope, I can’t do it,’ Shamus said, ‘Let’s try plan C.’
‘Plan C?’ exclaimed Paddy. ‘What’s that?’
‘I’ll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.’
‘Oh okay,’ Paddy said. ‘While you’re doing that I’ll stay here and play with her tits.’
‘Play with her tits?’ Shamus said. ‘Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.’
Paddy replied, ‘Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren’t so expensive to replace.’
Pepito estaba corriendo en bicicleta y la bicicleta chirriaba. El pap� le grit�:
“�Pepito, �chale Tres en Uno!” (aceite).
Pepito le ech� Tres en Uno y la bicicleta dej� de chirriar.
Por la noche el pap� estaba haciendo el amor con la mam� de Pepito, y la cama chirriaba. Pepito desde su cuarto le grit� al pap�:
“�Pap�, �chale Tres en Uno!”
A lo que el pap� le contest�:
“�C�mo le voy a echar tres, si uno casi no puedo?”
Four potatoes were standing on the corner. Which one was the prostitute?The one that said I do hoe!
Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw
A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get ‘those feelings’ again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…
‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The
place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As
the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked, “May I
please use the restroom?”
The bartender replied, “I really don’t think you should.” “Why not?” the
pastor asked. “I really need to use a restroom!” “Well, I don’t think you
should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she’s only covered
by a fig leaf!” “Nonsense,” said the pastor. “I’ll look the other way!”
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs
and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out
and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to
the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. When I came in here, the
place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely
quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again.”
“Well, now you’re one of us!” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink
too?”
“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled pastor.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf is lifted on
the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?”
A boy hears the ice cream truck comming down the road and runs into his house to ask his mom for a dollar.
She agrees and gives him the dollar and with that he takes off running out the door… just in time to stop the truck.
The ice cream man says, “Alright son, what can I get you?”
The boy says, “What do you have?”
Ice cream man says, “Well, I have anything you see here…chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.”
The little boy thinks for a second and finally replies, “I will have chocolate!”
The ice cream man opens up his chocolate bin and says, “Sorry son, all out of chocolate.”
The boy says, “You said that I could have anything that I see here and I see chocolate, I want chocolate!”
The ice cream man looks at the boy and says, “But son, we are out of chocolate, wouldn’t you like some strawberry instead?”
The boy screams, “NO! You said I could have chocolate and that is what I want!”
The ice cream man thinks for a second and finally says, “Listen here…do you see the ‘van’ in vanilla?”
The boy says, “Yes…”
Ice cream man says, “Do you see the ‘straw’ in strawberry?”
Little boy says, “Yes….”
Ice cream man says, “Do you see the ‘fuck’ in chocolate?”
Little boy says, “UMM, NO!”
Ice cream man says, “That’s cuz, THERE AIN’T NO FUCKIN’ CHOCOLATE!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Se re�nen todos los animales en rededor del le�n, reclam�ndole que como rey de la selva, tome medidas disciplinarias contra un mono calent�n que se ‘com�a’ a todas sus hembras… y a ellos mismos si se descuidaban.
Entonces, el le�n llama al mono, el cual que estaba en la copa de un �rbol, dici�ndole:
“Ven, baja que hablaremos un poco”.
“No lo har�, si no te haces atar a un �rbol y te quedas solo”.
El le�n cumple la petici�n y ordena retirarse a todos. Baja el simio y se acerca lentamente y tembloroso.
“Ac�rcate, no tengas miedo. No podr� hacerte da�o estando maniatado”.
“No es que tenga miedo: es la emoci�n de ‘comer’ por primera vez a un le�n”, responde el mono calent�n.