Category: other

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in tide? Because it is too cold out tide…

What’s the capital of Afghanistan?

KABOOM!!

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and
what you’re going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than
you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen
to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool
about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss
asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed
to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good,
you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of
pens that person is carrying.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything
that goes wrong.

A man walked into a pub. He walked up to the bar and asked
“Can I have a beer before the troble starts?” So the bar tender
gives him a drink. Th man asked again
“Can I have another beer before the trouble starts?” So the bar
tender gives him another beer. The man finished his beer and
asked
“Can I have another beer before the trouble starts?” So the bar
tender gives him another beer. The man starts to drink his beer
when the bar tender said
” Are you going to pay for that?”
Then the man goes
“Now the trouble is starting!”

Q. What kind of bees make the best milk? A. Boo-bees!

these three girls got ran over and go to heven.when they got there they saw ducks every where.
there was this sign that said”DO NOT STEP ON A DUCK OR FACE THE CONCEQUENCES!!!”one of them thought no one will find out so she stepped on one and this angel came.je said now you will be hooked onto this ugly guy for your whole life. so he puts this chain on her and this ugly guy.
the second one tried to get something to eat but she stepped on a duck.she got hooked on another ugly guy.
the third one thought if you sit there you could get a prize for not stepping on a duck. she sat there and the angel came to her. she thought she got a prize with the hottie guy coming over there.
she was happy but the angel said no your the ugly one.

There was a middle aged couple, who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged blonde daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.After months of trying the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.”Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. then he gave her a stern look and asked,”Have you been fooling around on me?” The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.

There was a man from Leek.
Who instead of a nose had a beak.
It grew quite absurd, till he looked like a bird.
He migrates at the end of next week.

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest,meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.”He looks like he’d be a pretty good attack dog,” said the buyer.”Well, he’s not bad,” replied the owner, “but I have something better in mind for you.”They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger,meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.”Ah,” said the buyer.”This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.””Well, no.” said the owner.”I have something better in mind for you.”The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.”This is the dog I had in mind for you,” said the owner.The buyer was flabbergasted.”You’re joking!” he exclaimed.”This dog seems quite tame; he doesn’t act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he’s just lying there, licking his butt!””I know, I know,” said the owner.”But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.”

A man gets on train and sits next to a young woman reading a book called ‘Sex Statistics’

“Any good?” he asks.

“Fascinating,” she replies “Apparently, American Indians have the widest dicks, and Polish men the longest.

By the way I am Jane.”

“Hi,” he says, “I’m Tonto Palawlaski.”

Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo

What’s the leading cause of death among lesbians? Hair balls.