Category: other

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from
Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before
the mountains justbecame too much and he could go no farther. He
stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn’t gotten a single
person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and
offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the
highway and tied it to his bumper.

He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he
was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he
would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.
Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone,
the Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A short
distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120
mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the
speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that
he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then
relayed, “…and you’re not going to believe this, there is a
guy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass….

How is a Mexican like a cue ball?

The harder you hit him the more English you get out of him.

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove
all your clothes when the light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder
yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty
the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by
this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft.
Please use side entrance)

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything – bicycles,
washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a
wonderful bargain.

7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point
will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER’S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their
garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and
doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the
field for free, but the bull charges.

13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will
tell you how to get lessons.

14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock
hard on the door – the bell doesn’t work)

15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of
order. Please use floor below.

Se van al infierno un mujeriego, un borracho y un fumador. Al llegar son recibidos por el diablo, quien les dice:

“No se preocupen, muchachos, aqu� en el infierno todo es felicidad. Miren, para que vean que es cierto a ti mujeriego te voy a dar un dormitorio lleno de hermosas mujeres; a ti, borracho, te doy un dormitorio lleno de cajas de cerveza, y a ti, fumador, te doy una tonelada de cajetillas de cigarrillos y yo regreso dentro de 10 a�os a ver como se encuentran.”

Se cumplieron los 10 a�os y el diablo regres� como hab�a prometido, entonces abre la puerta del dormitorio del mujeriego y lo encuentra feliz y el mujeriego le dice: “diablo dame m�s mujeres que �stas ya me han aburrido”, y el diablo le da mas mujeres.

Luego va a ver al borracho y lo encuentra con las 2000 cajas de cervezas vac�as, con una botella en mano. Entonces el borracho le dice: “Hip… hip… Diablo, m�ndame m�s cerveza que me han quedado cortas”, y el diablo le da m�s cerveza.

Por �ltimo va a ver al fumador y lo encuentra muy molesto y el diablo le pregunta: “�qu� pasa?, te veo molesto �por qu�, si te he dado una tonelada de cigarrillos?”

Y le responde el fumador:

“�S�, pero te olvidaste de darme los f�sforos!”

One day a preist was out on the lake fishing, when he saw a man not to
far away reeling in a fish. He then started his boat and drove over to
the man. The man reels this fish out of the water and exclaimes “now
would you take a look at that sombitch”.

The preist, quite shocked says “you can’t say that around me, I am a
man of the cloth. The fisherman says “no you don’t understand, that is
the name of the fish”. So the preist appologizes for his mistake, and
this man then tells him to take the fish home, no hard feelings.

This preist thinks this is a rather unusual fish, so he takes it to the
bishop, and tells him, take a look at this fish. The father is quite
impressed with the size of the fish, but then the preist adds “thats a
big sombitch father”. The bishop utterly in a panic tells the preist
not to say that in the house of god, or he will surely be struck down.
“No, no, you don’t understand, that is the name of the fish”. He then
appologizes likewise, and they both decide to take this to the pope.

So these two men take the fish to the pope, and the pope replies “That
is a very nice looking fish gentleman”. The bishop pipes up and says,
yes, a very nice looking sombitch isn’t it”. The priest then replies
with a similar remark. The pope in a raging fury tells the men that
they have both just been excommunicated for their blatend sinning in the
house of God. The two men proceed to tell the pope that “sombitch” is
the name of the fish. After appologizing, the pope agrees to take the
fish to the heavenly mother and have her cook it up for supper.

That evening at dinner, a new priest to the convent is sitting down to
dinner with these three men. First the elder preist says “this is a
good sombitch”, then the bishop says “yes, I wish I could go out and
catch me some more of these sombitches” and finally the pope says “would
you please pass me some more of that sombitch”. The new guy looks at
the three and laughs. He then extorts “By God, you mother-f**kers are
alright.”

Un se�or va a pedir un trabajo en las oficinas de recursos humanos. y cuando lo atienden, el entrevistador le dice: “Bueno, veo que tiene un curriculo bueno, �cuanto dec�a que le pagaban en su antiguo trabajo?

Y el desempleado le responde: “Creo que eran unos 9000 d�lares mensuales.”

El se�or de recursos humanos se detiene a pensar un poco y le dice: “Bueno, me acuerdo de este lugar en el cual daban un seguro de vida de 1000,000 de dolares, un excelente plan dental, una paga mensual de 10,000 d�lares, casa nueva en una de las mejores urbanizaciones de la ciudad, excelente puesto de estacionamiento, y un autom�vil nuevo, creo que era un Lambourgini Diablo sv.”

El desempleado le dice: “No lo puedo creer. Usted debe estar bromeando.”

Y el tipo de recursos humanos le responde: “S�, pero usted empez�.”

What did the elephant say to the naked man? ”It’s nice, but can it pick up peanuts?”

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the Federal Government. That leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from that the 14,800,000 who work for State and Local Governments and we are left with 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so we now have 12,000 to do the work.

Now there are 11,998 people in prisons so there are just two people left to do the work, you and me.

AND YOU ARE SITTING THERE MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR E-MAIL!

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in tide? Because it is too cold out tide…

How many Italians does it take to screw in the light bulb?

Three. One to screw it in, and two to shoot the witnesses.

An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte’s Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him.

“You gotta be in the wrong place,” she exclaimed. “What are you looking for?”

“Ain’t this where you always got forty five girls ready ‘n’ able?”

The receptionist looked perplexed. “Ready for what?”

“I want a girl,” the old man rasped. “I wanna get laid.”

“How old are you, Pop?” she asked.

“92” he replied.

“92? Pop, you’ve had it.”

“Oh.” said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. “How much do I owe you?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo