Category: other

En un pueblecito hay dos familias jud�as, y quieren casar a las hijas; pero como no hay chicos judios en el pueblo, deciden unirse para buscarlos por los pueblos de los alrededores. Finalmente encuentran dos excelentes partidos, y les invitan a que vayan a conocer el pueblo. Pero resulta que uno de los j�venes se arrepiente por el camino, y s�lo uno de ellos llega. Y es una joyita, as� que las dos familias lo quieren. Total, que las dos familias empiezan a discutir de quien es el novio, y como la cosa no se aclara, deciden hablar con el rabino m�s viejo de los alrededores.

“Lo que haremos es muy simple. Partiremos al chico por la mitad, y le daremos un trozo a cada familia para que no haya discusiones.”

Entonces la madre de una de las novias dice: “No, por favor, pobre muchacho, �c�mo le van a hacer eso?”

Pero la otra madre dice: “�Eso! �Eso! �Que lo partan! �Que lo descuarticen!”

Entonces el rabino mira a la segunda madre que gritaba con los ojos inyectados en sangre y le dice: “El chico se casa con su hija; usted es la verdadera suegra.”

1. Se nace cansado y se vive para descansar.
2. Ama a tu cama como a t� mismo.
3. Descansa de d�a para que puedas dormir de noche.
4. Si ves que alguien descansa, �Ay�dalo!
5. El trabajo es cansancio.
6. No hagas hoy lo que puedas hacer ma�ana.
7. Haz lo menos que puedas y deja que lo hagan otros.
8. De mucho descansar nadie se muri�.
9. Si quieres trabajar, si�ntate, y espera a que se te pase.
10. Si el trabajo es salud, �Viva la enfermedad!

two muffins were in the oven

one muffin says “wow its pretty hott in here”

the other muffin says “aahhhhhh talking muffin”

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.
What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse. Through the fog they could see a small boat making its way toward them, with a lonely occupant. Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed the man into the water. The two men on shore sprang into action. Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man. At last they got him aboard their boat.”It’s a good thing you rescued me,” the dripping man said gratefully.”I was coming out to see you about your income tax.”

You might be a child of the ’80s if…

You remember ‘Tiger, Tiger, Jellimeat for dinner.’

You remember the ‘Ma-na-ma-na’ song of the Muppets.

Twenty cents worth of mixed lollies could last you hours and 50 cents, well only older kids could afford that much.

You collected bottles to swap for lollies.

Popsicles were 20 cents.

You decided against rushing out and buying a CD player because you objected to the fact that you were being forced to change your collection.

Picture this… after your nightly bath, dressed in your poncho, ug boots or kung-fu shoes and leg warmers, you sit in a bean bag with your Milo, ready to watch Ready to Roll.

Summers were long and hot.

Mello Yello made you feel so good so fast.

Hey, hey, hey, it’s Fat Albert time.

You wondered how the Coke girls and boys got inside that big clear beach ball.

You remember the advent of AIDS and Ecstasy.

You remember spending the whole day at the beach with no sun block at all and what’s more, you didn’t get burnt – much.

You wore a leather band around your wrist and believed that any boy or girl that broke it, you had to sleep with.

Basketball was only played by Americans.

Sneakers in general were sneakers and not more advanced than your fridge.

Doctor Who scared you silly.

You remember the first space invaders. (Someone in your street had an Atari, right?)

You queued up to see The Village People Movie.

You felt a bit of a thing for Jeannie and Samantha… or better yet Tabitha, or for the girls in Maxwell Smart or Hogan (Hogan ‘s Heroes) who were adorable.

You saw Grease and ET at the movies.

The Mickey Mouse Club was soooooo cool -‘M I C etc.’

You hated missing an episode of M.A.S.H.

You had a $50 Walkman that had fat headphones and chewed tapes after the first three days.

Matchbox cars or Barbies were essential to your development.

You had cardboard dolls (or your sisters did) that came with books of paper clothes that you tore out and stuck on the doll.

The kid with the pool was your best friend… until someone got an in-ground pool.

The only place you could get a pizza was Pizza Hut and it was expensive.

You played dress-ups in your parents’ funky clothes that you would kill to get your hands on now.

Floppy disks were actually floppy.

You actually went through at least one pair of Jandals a year because you wore them so much.

You remember when the first people in your street got a video machine. It was top loading and there was no such thing as a remote control.

Beta vs VHS wars.

You remember a few years later they developed a remote control that was attached by a cord to the video. It was always too short to operate it from the lounge anyway.

Fags were called ‘fags’ and nobody batted an eyelid when eight-year-olds walked down the street with a lolly cigarette hanging out their mouth.

You knew Tommy Lee only for his musical abilities, not the ones shown in the video with Pammy Lee.

You weren’t old enough to go to Aliens.

‘Oh Mickey you’re so fine…’

‘I love rock ‘n’ roll, so put another dime in the jukebox baby…’

‘It’s the final countdown da na na na…’

Any or all of this rings a bell.

10. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple ofumbrellas?”9. “Hey, there are more than two flies in here!”8. “Wasn’t someone supposed to put two shovels on board?”7. “OK, who’s the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes onboard?”6. “Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!”5. “Don’t Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!”4. “No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!”3. “And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.”2. “Nice Doggie!”AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH’S ARK…..1. “Are We There Yet?”

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of
stopping. If anything, it’s getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing
that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its
branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a
song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500
back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw
deal.

A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation.The young man called out to him, “Hey, mister! Is that bull safe?!”To which the farmer shouted back, “Safe as anything! Can’t say the same about you, though!”

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.

The doctor says to the old man, “I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.”

The old man says, “What?”

So the doctor says it again.

Once again the old man says, “what?”

So the doctor yells it, “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, “He needs a pair of your underwear!”

Beny y Berny eran una pareja de maricas. Beny decide dar una sorpresa a Berny y para ello se tat�a dos bes en el trasero (B B), una en cada nalga.

Cuando llega Berny, �ste s�lo tiene ganas de liarse a Beny. Beny le dice que se espere, que tiene una sorpresa para �l. Pero Berny no espera y le da por detr�s.

Cuando termina, Berny melosamente le pregunta a Beny que cu�l era la sorpresa que le ten�a preparada. Beny agach�ndose con picard�a le dice: “mira mi trasero, �qu� te parece?”

Y Berny intrigado le interroga: “�Bob? �Qui�n es Bob?”